


A Third Chance: Inquisitor Lavellan

by labrujanana91



Series: Transformed: The Inquisitor Lavellan Saga [1]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II, Dragon Age: Inquisition, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Angst, Canon Divergent, DEEP SHIT, Dragon Age Headcanons, Eventual Hawke, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Headcanon, Multi, Nerdiness, Original Character(s), Post-Dragon Age: Inquisition, Slow Build, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-03
Updated: 2020-01-23
Packaged: 2020-02-09 11:34:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 23
Words: 84,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18637309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/labrujanana91/pseuds/labrujanana91
Summary: Banreas Lavellan has had a hard life and thought she had a second chance at it when she joined the Circle; but it was not meant to be. Her life is turned upside down after the events of the Conclave. She is thrust into a new world of chaos and she is burdened with the role of Inquisitor.Banreas learns to trust, make new friends, finds love, and explores new possibilities. She begins to hope that she has been given yet another chance at life.And yet... she has a dark past and she holds many secrets that she is terrified will be revealed. Not all secrets can stay hidden and the past is not so easily forgotten.This story will be told mostly from the Inquisitor's point of view, but will also include the POV of some of her companions (Solas, Varric, Cullen, Hawke etc.,). Much of Banreas' story and her past experiences will be revealed and explained through her dreams, and conscious encounters in the Fade.Canon Divergent: This series will diverge quite a bit (especially when it comes to the typical Lavellan history) and from the game and will be graphic and violent at some points.





	1. Awakening

**Author's Note:**

> All Elven phrases are credited to [FenxShiral](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3553883/chapters/7825850)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Mages and Templars have come together at the Temple of Sacred Ashes in one last attempt to find peace. Peace would not be found that day as there was a massive explosion that killed almost everyone in attendance.  
> Banreas awakens after the explosion and finds herself a prisoner. She is bewildered and terrified; everyone seems to think she is the one that set off the explosion.  
> She has no choice but to comply and prove her innocence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm FINALLY posting the first chapters of Quizzy's story. If you've read my first series, you know this has been a long time coming :)  
> This story will feature some in-game dialogue but a lot of this story and conversations will be canon-divergent. This first chapter will be long; very long. Not all chapters will be like this. We all know how the game goes but I feel like the beginning is always really important so I go into detail here.
> 
> Elvhen phrases: Telharthan = I Don't know/I don't understand. Credits to FenxShiral

_"Get up. GET UP!"_

The voice sounded so familiar. She opened her eyes to a world of chaos. She was in the mountains, it looked like the Temple of Sacred Ashes, the place she had just been except nothing was right. Objects floated in the sky and she swore that somethings were actually  _upside down._  Her staff was gone and she knew she was in danger. She got up slowly, her whole body ached badly. She looked behind her and could see... giant spiders. 

" _Run, you must save them!"_ again, that familiar voice. She looked ahead of her toward the mountainside. It had been upside down, and now it had turned right side up. The sky was the wrong color, it was green. There was a shimmering, terrifying tear in the sky. Underneath it stood a woman. The woman beckoned to her. She ran towards the woman, up the mountainside. She felt as if the world was closing in on her, those creatures were so close now. Her body was really beginning to hurt, especially her left hand. She was so close to the woman now...  _Just reach her,_ she thought. She was climbing as fast as she could; she was getting so tired, so sleepy... She got to the top and stretched her hand out to the woman. 

The moment she touched the woman she felt a strange pull. She was spinning and she was losing consciousness; again. 

And then, nothing. 

* * *

She felt herself waking up. She recognized the feeling of iron manacles on her wrists; she was all too familiar with their weight and their icy hold. She was kneeling on stone and her legs felt stiff. Her left hand was beginning to burn and it felt like it was tearing. 

She opened her eyes to look at what was wrong with her hand. She flipped her hand to look at her palm. Indeed, a big tear had opened up her palm and as she stared at it, it pulsed and crackled. A green glow radiated from it and it shot pain up her arm, the likes of which she had never felt before. She screamed in pain and she heard swords being unsheathed from their holsters. She then noticed that three soldiers were in the room with her. Just then, a large door opened to her cell and two women marched in. One was tall, clearly a warrior. She had short black hair, a braided crown adorned her head. The other woman was hooded, her red hair barely visible. She had a stare that pierced her soul. 

"Tell me why we shouldn't kill you now?! The Conclave; gone. Everyone who attended is dead; except you, elf," said the woman with short hair. 

"Wait, what are you talking about?" the elf said in disbelief. She truly did not know what this woman was talking about. 

"Explain this!" The short-haired woman roared as she grabbed the elf's left hand and held it up. It hurt her so bad...

"I cant!" the elf yelled back. 

"What do you mean you can't?!" The short-haired woman looked like she was ready to harm her. 

"Stop, Cassandra," said the hooded woman. She turned to the elf and said "What is your name, elf?" The elf paused before answering.. she tried to answer but she felt like the air was sucked out of her lungs. She was so bewildered and frightened that she forgot herself; she forgot that the truth could not be said. So, she gave the only answer she could give...

"Banreas. I am Banreas Lavellan," she said. 

"I am Leliana. Please, what do you remember?" Banreas relayed what she knew, which was close to nothing. She spoke of the woman she saw and how she felt like the woman had saved her... the woman named Cassandra ordered Leliana to leave and mentioned something of a rift. Leliana left and Cassandra knelt down before Banreas and helped her to her feet. Cassandra guided her by the elbow and led her outside. 

What Banreas saw outside was hideous. A massive tear in the sky glowed a sickly green. The tear in the sky stood in stark contrast to the snow that pelted the mountainside. It was churning and turning; she couldn't take her eyes off it. 

"It's called the Breach... a rift into a world of demons, and it has only gotten larger," Cassandra said as she looked up into the sky. She continued: "There are more, though not as big. All emerged after the explosion at the Conclave. We must act before it grows and it consumes the world," The Breach pulsed and at the same time, so did Banreas' hand. She yelled in pain; it brought her to her knees. 

"As the Breach expands, so does your mark... it is killing you," Cassandra said softly. "We must stop this," she said as she looked Banreas in the eyes. Banreas looked at Cassandra and her hard expression. Banreas was at a disadvantage, she really had no choice. 

"I will do what I can," Banreas said. Cassandra's face softened and she helped Banreas get to her feet. Cassandra removed the iron shackles on Banreas' wrists. Cassandra promised her a trial, not that she would escape with her life. Banreas and Cassandra passed by soldiers whose expressions varied from shocked, lost, to furious. 

"In their eyes, your guilt has already been decided. The most Holy is dead, they need someone to blame," said Cassandra. Banreas said nothing. She was used to sneers and sideways glances; after all she was an elf.  _But this, this is pure hate,_ she thought. Banreas began to feel cold, and not just because of the snow. She felt alone. All her friends... her saviors... dead. She took a deep breath and tried to focus on moving her feet through the snow. They eventually reached a gate that opened on Cassandra's order. Outside the gate was more chaos. The wind seemed stronger and the snow was unrelenting. They walked past the gate and Banreas flinched at the amount of injured soldiers that past them. 

"The Conclave; it was the Divine's last attempt at bringing peace between the mages and templars. Now, that peace is lost to us," Cassandra said. It appeared that she was mourning for many things. 

"I wish it had not come to this..." Banreas said as her voice faltered. Her lips turned down as she fought the tears that threatened to spill over. 

"You... wanted to see the Circles restored?" Cassandra sounded shocked. 

"The Circle was my home," Banreas said through clenched teeth. She gestured to Cassandra to lead the way. Cassandra raised her eyebrows but continued on. Banreas didn't want to think about all that she had lost. They walked in silence until Banreas couldn't take it any longer. She asked Cassandra what they were going to do. 

"Your mark. We must test it on something smaller than the Breach," Cassandra barked. Banreas nodded, she hand no idea where she stood with the woman so she kept silent. Banreas looked towards the Temple of Sacred Ashes, it was still a long ways off. Banreas could see many buildings that had burnt down or were still burning.  _How large had that explosion been?_ she wondered. They came upon a bridge and many dead lay strewn across the stone. Banreas noticed a very young mage that lay on his back, his eyes were still open. She could still see the fear in the young man's eyes; it was a look that she had seen far too often in her short life. She stopped to close the man's eyes. She picked up his staff; she would need it. Cassandra glanced back at her and her eyes filled with rage. Before she could say anything to Banreas, the Breach pulsed and debris came hurling toward the bridge. The debris struck the bridge and tore it asunder. They fell. 

Cassandra and Banreas landed on the frozen river below. Banreas looked around her and found the staff she had just acquired. A black bubble formed on the frozen river and it suddenly began to pop and fizzle. A demon's head began to emerge... Banreas rolled to her feet, as did Cassandra. The woman's eyes flitted back and forth between Banreas and the demon, Banreas simply nodded at her. The demon emerged and it was followed by three more. They were hooded and their skin seemed to be melting off their bone. Cassandra let out a fierce war cry and charged. 

Magic had manifested in Banreas at an early age, but she did not learn to use a staff until she had joined the Circle just a few years ago. Still, she had learned quickly. Banreas swung her staff and summoned forth a blast of fire. It knocked the demon back and Cassandra charged and beheaded it. Another demon appeared on the left and Banreas twirled her staff, smacked the demon, and then stabbed it with her staff blade. It fell on it's back and she walked over, summoning fire in her hand. She shot it out at the demon to finish it. Cassandra finished the last demon then turned to Banreas. Banreas smiled at her triumphantly but her smile soon faltered. Cassandra came at her with her sword still drawn. Banreas stepped back and placed her arms up in surrender. 

"Why should I trust you?" Cassandra seethed. It was a pity to see the woman look so angry; she was quite beautiful. 

"Cassandra... if I was going to kill you, there were many different ways I could have done it without a staff. I won't harm you, I swear it," Banreas said softly, trying to pacify the woman. Cassandra dropped her frown and she nodded. 

"You have shown courage. I will try and remember that you have come willingly," and with that she sheathed her sword and began to walk away. "Come, we must get to the forward camp." 

They encountered more demons as they made their way forward. Banreas was able to pick up two daggers when Cassandra wasn't looking. She placed them in her boots under the straps. If she were to lose her staff, she would need to be able to protect herself.  _Old habits die hard,_ she thought. She was much more comfortable with a blade than a staff. They trudged up the mountainside. So many buildings lay in ruin. As they made their way, she could hear shouting in the distance. 

"More soldiers? Why were there so many at the Conclave?" Banreas asked while picking up the pace. 

"The Divine was not naive, she was prepared for anything. Hurry, we must help them!" Cassandra was running now. As they reached yet another bridge Banreas saw a small rift, one of the many that Cassandra had mentioned. There were many demons spewing forth and a few soldiers that were clearly struggling. Among the soldiers was a tall, slender, bald elf who was casting spell after spell trying to freeze the demons in place. A dwarf with a generous amount of chest hair shot exploding bolts from an impressive crossbow. Cassandra nodded at Banreas and they charged into battle. Together, they changed the tide of the fight but the rift made Banreas feel dizzy; she was struggling to focus. 

The last demon fell and the bald elf appeared at Banreas' side and seized her left hand. 

"We must close it before more come through!" he yelled as he yanked her arm up toward the rift. Banreas felt like her entire body was going to be sucked in. She felt her magic buzzing in her veins; it was out of control. With a tremendous amount of effort, she was able to channel the energy into her left hand and she pulled; it was like moving through mud. With a loud snap, it closed. Banreas yanked her hand away from the elf; she did not like being touched. 

"What happened? What did you do?" she asked him as she rubbed her left hand. 

"It was not I, it was you. The magic that created the Breach is the same magic that created the Mark on your hand. I surmised that the Mark could close the rift; I was not disappointed," the bald elf said with a smug smile. Cassandra sheathed her sword and approached the two of them. 

"Can the Mark close the Breach?" she asked. 

"Possibly," the elf answered. 

"Oh good! We won't be ass deep in demons then. I'm Varric Tethras: Rogue, storyteller, and an amazing tag-along. Don't even think about it Seeker... You need me," said the dwarf. At the end of his sentence he turned to narrow his eyes at Cassandra who had opened her mouth to protest. Having faced the woman's wrath earlier, Banreas placed herself in front of Varric to shield him from Cassandra's glare. 

"Why are you here?" she asked the dwarf. 

"I'm technically Cassandra's prisoner, just like you!" he turned to Cassandra and continued, "The valley is overrun. Your soldiers aren't prepared, you need all the help you can get," Varric winked looking back at Banreas. The dwarf had a weathered, pleasant face. He lacked the beard that she thought every male dwarf was supposed to have. She instantly decided she liked him; she winked back. 

"Ugh!" Cassandra said in disgust as she turned to walk away. The bald elf smiled at Banreas, he had a sweet and serene face. 

"My name is Solas. I am happy you still live. I apologize for grabbing you. Our situation was... urgent," he said. 

"It's okay. There is a big hole in the sky, I guess we can forgo manners. I am Banreas," she said with a small smile and bow. "Do you know more about this magic? It is not familiar to me," Banreas began to follow Cassandra and the others followed. 

"Solas is an apostate, like you," Cassandra said without looking back. 

"Apostate or not, during my travels I have learned much more than any Circle mage. I know much of the Fade, more than most. I have seen my fair share of demons and spirits. I am here to help in any way I can. Cassandra, please know that this magic is like nothing I have ever seen. I don't know any mage that would be capable of this," Solas called out to Cassandra at the end. Cassandra looked back at him and nodded. 

"What exactly do you know? How do you know so much?" Banreas asked. Her interest was peaked, they definitely didn't teach  _that_ in the Circle. 

"Oh, don't get Chuckles started," Varric teased.  _Chuckles?_ Banreas looked at Solas; he stared at Varric as if he was about to chastise him. 

"Perhaps another time," Solas whispered to her; a smirk spread across his face. Banreas unsuccessfully tried to hide a smile, it only made him smile wider. 

"Quickly, we need to get to the forward camp!" Cassandra shouted back at them. 

"Bianca is  _very_ excited," Varric said. 

"Who is Bianca?" Banreas asked as she looked around her.  _Did I miss someone?_

"My crossbow of course!" Varric patted his weapon fondly. 

"It's best you don't get him started," Solas said as he shook his head. Banreas laughed; the dwarf and the elf had said the same thing about one another. They all picked up the pace as Cassandra had grown tired of the their talk and began to run.

* * *

The party made its way to the camp Cassandra mentioned. What remained of Cassandra's troops were gathered there. They approached what appeared to be the command station. The woman named Leliana was there; she was glaring at a Chantry cleric who was hovering over a table. The cleric looked up at them as they got closer and sneered at Banreas. 

"Oh, here they are," nothing but malice colored his voice. Leliana came to stand in between the cleric and Banreas. 

"Chancellor Roderick, this is -" Leliana had begun to speak but the Chancellor cut her off. 

"This is a prisoner," he said with disdain. He looked at Cassandra and said, "You should have this woman in chains. I order you to take her to Val Royeaux where she will await execution," he waved them off as if his work was done. Banreas knew this man by name: the Grand Chancellor. She had not known the man was so cruel. 

" _Order me?!_ How dare you? The Divine is dead and you're nothing but a glorified cleric," Cassandra sneered back. It was a battle of wills, Banreas was sure Cassandra would win. She let them argue as she knew she had no say in these matters. As Leliana and Cassandra continued their dispute with the Chancellor, Banreas' head began to spin. Now that she had stopped moving, she realized she was in an enormous amount of pain. The Mark on her hand pulsed and as it pulsed it sent shock waves of pain that rattled her bones. Banreas pinched the bridge of her nose and shook her head. 

"Excuse me, but I don't think I'm going to survive this for much longer. Isn't the Breach all that matters right now?" Banreas interjected. Solas touched her elbow and nodded. He used light healing magic to ease some of her pain. 

"She is right. What would you have us do? We could march through the valley or go up the mountain path. Many soldiers were lost that way," Cassandra asked her and Leliana nodded. Both women waited for her to answer. 

"Why do you want my opinion? I'm a prisoner, no?" Banreas was shocked they were asking for her opinion now. 

"You have the mark, you must live," Solas said. Just then the Breach surged and released a thunderous sound; the mark on her hand pulsed simultaneously and she was brought to her knees once again. Solas and Varric helped her to her feet. At this point, she didn't care about anyone's opinions or feelings. 

"Let's just charge through. I'll be dead within the hour at this rate," she said with a shaky voice. Cassandra nodded at her; her face showing concern. Cassandra nodded at Leliana and asked that she meet them at the Temple of Sacred Ashes. 

"Seeker, this is on your head..." The Chancellor said to Cassandra. The woman marched on not bothering to look back. As they walked away from Leliana and the Chancellor, they passed by a man barking orders at the soldiers. He was tall and blonde. The snow gathered in his wavy curls. He looked like a templar except he did not wear the armor. Brown-reddish furs adorned his shoulders and he held a lion helm under his right arm. He was intimidating but seeing him made Banreas feel relieved. The man turned to look at their party and she could see that the man had light stubble growing on his face and there was a curious scar that hovered above the right side of his lip. The man nodded at Cassandra. 

"Maker be with you, Seeker," the man said. He had a light but commanding voice. His eyes flitted to Banreas' face. He stared at her hard before nodding at her. She gave a small smile and bowed slightly. 

"And with you, Commander. Guide your soldiers well," Cassandra replied. And with that they moved on. 

* * *

The valley was indeed over-run by demons and darkspawn. There were many dead men and women that lie in the snow, their blood turned the ground a bright red. Although Banreas was no stranger to battle, she felt extremely weak. Solas seemed to sense her weakened state, he stuck close to her casting a strong barrier over her when they engaged an enemy. Despite this, she was beginning to feel sick to her stomach. She frequently took out the necklace she hid underneath her coat. She squeezed it tight, praying to whoever would listen. 

"Telharthan..." she murmured to herself. This did not escape Solas' notice; he eyed her as she clutched her necklace. 

"Just a little further," he said reassuringly. As they got closer to the temple, he began to guide her by the elbow. The closer they got to the temple, the more bodies they encountered. Charred, smoking bodies; everywhere. The smell of burnt flesh permeated the air and made Banreas choke. She had no time to mourn. She knew many good mages and templars that had surely died here. Even her First Enchanter had been present. Her heart clenched at the thought.  _The woman saved my life,_ she was overcome with melancholy. Banreas remembered coming to the Conclave with her but she couldn't understand why she remembered nothing else.  _What is wrong with me,_ she asked herself. As they entered the temple, Banreas willed herself to remember but nothing came to her. 

Fire still lingered in the temple, it lay in ruins. The party came upon Leliana and the man that Cassandra called Commander. 

"You made it, thank the Maker," Leliana said with relief. 

"About time. We lost a lot of good soldiers on the way here," the Commander said resentfully. Banreas winced at his words. Solas, who was still holding her by the elbow, pulled her closer to him. 

"It's alright, you made the right choice," he whispered to her. He had a baritone voice that lulled her into a sense of peace. Cassandra urged everyone to proceed with caution as they all walked into the temple. Banreas saw red crystals jutting out from the walls and being close to them made her dizzy. She was puzzled by it. Hesitantly, she reached out to one of the crystals and was about to touch one of them. 

"Ah, ah, ah! Watch yourself there! You don't want to go anywhere near that stuff..." Varric warned as he grabbed her hand and pulled it down. Banreas was overcome with embarrassment. 

"I'm sorry, Varric. What is this stuff?"

"Red lyrium. It's nothing like the regular lyrium we all know and love. My brother and I accidentally  _discovered_ it. It will drive you insane. Seeker, what is this stuff doing here?" Varric was truly bewildered. His brow was furrowed in thought. 

"You tell me,  _prisoner,"_ Cassandra retorted. Varric did not answer her but muttered something under his breath about Seekers, sticks and asses. 

As they walked further into the temple, Banreas became unsettled. They neared the center of the explosion and there was what looked to be a rift. This one was different. It was larger than any of the other ones she had seen but it looked more like a swirl. It's tendrils reached all the way up into the sky, drawing her eyes to the Breach. Just then, Banreas heard a deep, booming voice that rattled her head. 

"The hour of our betrayal is upon us. Bring forth the sacrifice," The voice echoed off the stone. The Commander, whose name Banreas still did not know, unsheathed a massive sword and put his hand out in front of her and stood before her protectively. His eyes darted around the ruins searching for the source. 

"What are we hearing?" he asked through clenched teeth. Banreas could see he was grinding his teeth. 

"My guess? Echoes of what happened here. We need to get her closer Cullen," Solas answered the man as he pushed Banreas forward. The man named Cullen looked back, nodded, then gestured her forward. He stood close by her as they got closer to the rift. Banreas felt like her legs had gotten heavier. She did not want to be anywhere near this thing...

Suddenly, Banreas' left hand sparked and a loud snap reverberated across the stone and wisps appeared before them. They began to take shape, and soon the shapes became recognizable figures. One of them was the Divine. She was held up above the ground, her arms stretched out wide; she was in agony. Another figure formed and it was enormous and disfigured. It had red eyes and bony arms. 

"Someone, help me!" the Divine called out. In this image a door formed and just as soon as the door formed it burst open, and Banreas watched herself charge through. 

"NO!" She heard herself roar. She saw herself grab her staff. 

"No! You must run! You must warn them!" the Divine yelled. 

"An intruder. Kill the elf," the dark figure bellowed. The figures soon began to fade and Banreas could feel her hand shake and spark; the images disappeared with a snap. There was an eerie silence that hovered over everyone. Cassandra walked up to her and placed her hands on Banreas' shoulders. 

"The most Holy... She called out to you, asking for help. Please, who was that? What did we just see? Is the Divine gone?" Cassandra implored. She gripped Banreas tightly. Banreas placed her hands over Cassandra's. 

"I truly don't know," 

"It was another echo of what happened here. The Fade has bled into this place from this rift. It is closed but not sealed. Banreas, if you use that mark on your hand to open it you will then be able to seal it properly. Demons will be attracted to this area," Solas answered them. His jaw clenched as he readied his staff. Cassandra told the troops to get ready. Then, all eyes were on Banreas. 

Banreas had no idea what she was supposed to do. She lifted her left hand up and she instantly felt a pull. Tendrils from the rift connected to her hand, forming a tether. Banreas pulled her hand back just a little and she felt a tremendous amount of resistance.  _Because its closed,_ she thought to herself. She pushed her hand back up and willed the tether up and back towards the rift. Her hand began to shake. She channeled her magic up and willed the damn thing to open. Banreas began to pant from the effort, she yelled and then she heard a crack. The rift opened and crystals jutted forth, it began to swirl and reshape. A demon leaped out of the rift. It was massive, at least 15 feet tall. It was covered in scales and horns, electricity buzzed around its body. Banreas had read of such a creature, a Pride demon. Banreas was greatly weakened. This would be the fight of her life.  _I have nothing else to lose,_ she said as she mustered what mana she had left in her body. 

Banreas twirled her staff and channeled her magic into it. She stomped it into the ground and a fire rune formed under her feet. The rune beneath her feet swirled as it unlocked. There was a flurry of movement, arrows were flying around her. Solas had cast a barrier over her as she tried to focus. The rune unlocked and it energized her staff. The tip of her staff glowed molten red as she raised it up, twirled it toward the demon and let out a powerful and deadly blast. The battle raged on for what seemed like forever. Banreas had tunnel vision. She poured all of her focus on the Pride demon although she was well aware that other demons had poured through. She let loose a battle cry as she charged on. The demon tossed her back and she fell and hit her head. Cassandra roared and charged at it with her sword and shield. Cullen came to pull her back to her feet.  _This ends now,_ she seethed. 

Banreas saw red and she realized it was because she was bleeding. She gathered her staff and once again let forth a fiery blast. Her right hand glowed blue and she shot forth icicles that pierced through it's skull. The demon fell to the ground and shook the earth beneath them. Banreas didn't check to see if the other demons had been defeated; she couldn't really see anyway. She tossed her staff and shot her left hand up to form the tether. She had no idea how she was still standing but she channeled what was left of her mana and pulled back, willing the rift to close. She began to scream, it was so much harder to close than the others. Her legs were giving out; someone had appeared at her side, grabbed her by the waist and held her up. Banreas jerked her hand back and a loud, thunderous sound echoed in her ears. 

She couldn't see any more. She could no longer hear. She could no longer feel her legs; she was falling.  _I am so tired...._

Banreas lost consciousness. Her last thought was praying she would wake up again. 

 


	2. A Prisoner No More

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Banreas awakens after closing the rift at the Temple of Sacred Ashes and discovers she is no longer a prisoner. She learns that although she is no longer a prisoner, she isn't exactly able to leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Elvhen phrases: Savhalla = Salutations/hello  
> Ahn mar melin? = What is your name?

Banreas was beginning to regain consciousness. She clenched her eyes tightly as she was not quiet ready to open them. She flexed her fingers and moved her legs a bit. She lay in the most comfortable bed she had ever been in and she rolled over to nuzzle her head into the pillow. 

"Agh!" she moaned as she clutched at her head. She remembered that she had hit her head before closing the rift. She sighed.  _That was terrible,_ she thought. Banreas moved to pull the blanket over her head and then realized she was completely naked. _Why am I naked_ _?_ she quickly sat up which caused her head to spin.  _Who undressed me?_ She felt herself blush. She loathed the thought that someone had seen her without clothes on. She pulled the blanket over her breasts as she looked around the room. The cabin she was in was quite big, as was the bed. To the left of her there was a large table that was placed underneath a window and beside it was a large ornate chest. The light from the window made the cabin look homely and peaceful. To her right was an old bath tub that she eyed longingly. Banreas tossed her blanket aside and got out of the bed. She wobbled a bit and steadied herself on the bedpost.  _I just want a bath..._

"Wait, where am I?" she asked out loud.  _How did I get here?_  Her mind was bouncing from thought to thought, making no coherent connections. "Think..." she said. Banreas looked down at her left hand; it was very sore. She saw the grotesque mark on her hand and sighed. Instinctively, she reached up to touch her neck, looking to grab her necklace. The necklace wasn't there. Banreas broke into a cold sweat as panic set in. Her breath hitched in her throat as she turned back to the bed and fluffed out the blankets. It wasn't there. She lifted up the pillows and didn't see it there either. 

"Oh no, please..." she was in a frenzy now. She needed that necklace. She began to cry as she darted around the room searching for it.  _If I lose that necklace, all is lost. I will be lost._ Banreas was almost in hysterics. She opened the chest by the table and searched through the contents. "Fuck!" she wailed. She moved to the table and almost missed it in her frazzled state: her necklace. She let out a huge sigh of relief and took deep breaths to try and steady herself. 

To anyone else, it might have looked like a simple Chantry rosary with Andraste's image on the end but to her... it was so much more. The beads were made of onyx and the image of Andraste was carved of dawnstone. Many elves had looked at her in disdain... an  _elf_ carrying an image of Andraste? Banreas did not care, her First Enchanter had given it to her and it meant everything to her. She placed it over her head and around her neck and sighed in contentment. 

Just then the door to her cabin swung open and a young female elf entered. She was carrying clothes and towels and stared down at them fixedly, as if she was trying to make sure she didn't drop them. Banreas gasped as she tried to figure out how to hide herself. She placed her arm over her breasts and a hand at her groin,  _Oh dear._ The young elf looked up at Banreas and promptly dropped everything she had in her hands. Instinctively, Banreas moved her hands and made to bend down to help the poor woman collect the garments. 

"Oh! My lady! You're... naked! And - I'm... Sorry? Yes, I am sorry!" the young elf apologized hastily. She had the short pixie hair that many city elves favored and she had very wide blue eyes. She seemed to remember herself and quickly picked up the items she dropped. "These are for you so you can... clothe yourself. You are very large..." she said in awe. Banreas sighed. She got that a lot, she knew she was much taller and  _bigger_ than elves were accustomed to. 

"I apologize for frightening you. Shall we try again? Savhalla, ahn mar melin?" Banreas asked as she took the clothes the woman handed to her. The elf shook her head and looked abashed. 

"I don't speak the language my lady..."

"Oh! We aren't off to a good start. I am so sorry! I asked what your name is. I am Banreas," the poor girl looked so flustered, she was shuffling on her feet. 

"I am Rosala. It is good you're awake - oh no!" Rosala squeaked and palmed her forehead. "Right away, the Seeker said right away!" 

"Right away what?" 

"I must tell her!" Rosala bowed slightly and stormed out. Banreas stood in the middle of the room with the clothes and towels she had been given and she was extremely confused. 

"Oh, bother!" she grumbled to herself as she placed the clothes on the bed and walked over to the tub. Inside the tub was a new bar of soap, Banreas picked it up to smell it. It smelt of honey and almonds and it seemed to be infused with flower petals. She breathed a short incantation, cast her hand over the tub and a glyph formed on the inside. Water began to fill the tub and Banreas didn't wait for it to finish filling up. She sat down inside the tub and used her other hand to channel heat to warm the water. She said another incantation to erase the glyph and stopped the water flow and bathed with the sweet smelling soap. She sighed happily. 

When she was finished she got out and dispelled of the water. She went over to the bed to look over the clothes she had been given. She had been given a beige tunic and it definitely wasn't made for an elf, it was made for a human.  _At least it will fit._ When she finished dressing she walked over to the tub again as she discovered that a mirror hung by it. She looked at herself for the first time in what must have been days. Banreas had brown skin; " _It's like caramel,"_ her dear friend Marel had once said. Banreas bore the vallaslin of Elgar'nan, the God of Vengence. She despised her vallaslin and hated everything it stood for. She had short pointed ears that peaked at a high angle, close to her head. _Just like father's,_ she thought. She missed him dearly... Her eyes were the shape of almonds and they were a dark brown. Her lips were turned down in a frown. 

Banreas reached up to touch one of her eyes. She leaned in close to the mirror and opened her eye wide. She scrutinized her pupil to make sure it was the right size...  _It's okay, you're fine,_ she thought with relief. She did this daily and it was a bad habit she could not shake. She stepped back and began to braid her hair. She had long black curls and she hated having them down. She finished her braid then spun it into a bun. She held her bun in place as she wandered over to the table looking for something to keep it in place; she found a leather band and tied it over her bun.

A knock sounded on the cabin door as Banreas sat on the bed to put on her boots. "Come in!" she called out. She assumed it would be Rosala. The man named Cullen walked in and closed the door behind him.  _Oh,_ she thought as she was overcome with dread.  _He's come to take me back to Cassandra._ Cullen seemed much different than when she had last seen him. He was much more relaxed and one of his hands rested on the hilt of his sword. His right hand nervously scratched the back of his head and he shifted his weight on his feet. 

"Maker... My lady, it's good to see you are well. I - uh, wanted to check on you and escort you to..." Cullen had a sweet sounding voice. As he spoke, Banreas had gotten up and walked over to him and held out her hands. 

"I'm ready," she said calmly. She nodded at Cullen who stared at her horrified. He shook his head and grabbed her hands to bring them down. 

"Maker's breath! You aren't a prisoner! I know I speak for everyone when I say that I am sorry for before. I hope you can forgive..." his eyes bored into hers and she knew he was sincere. She stared at him in awe and could only manage a nod. He gave her a beautiful lopsided smile that flustered her. "Thank you. Seeker Pentaghast wants to see you. I will guide you if that is okay?" Cullen asked. Banreas nodded again, she couldn't quite speak yet. "I want to warn you. There are ... a lot of people eager to see you. I want to make sure you're not overwhelmed," he warned. 

Banreas' eyes widened at him.  _People want to see me? Why?_ she wondered. "Okay... Knight-Captain is it?" She asked. He certainly looked like a Templar. Cullen blushed and looked down. 

"I am not a Templar any more my lady. You can just call me Cullen," 

"I am sorry. Thank you for coming to escort me. I am ready when you are," she smiled at him. He smiled back and proffered up his arm for her to grab. Banreas was not ready for that. She crossed her arms behind her back and said "I'm okay, thank you," Cullen looked a little disappointed but nodded as he led the way out of the cabin.

* * *

 

Banreas and Cullen walked out and a rather large crowd of people were gathered outside the cabin. It seemed the snow had stopped falling but it was still very cold outside.  _Why are they just standing here?_ She wondered. She felt very uneasy as the two of them began to walk past the crowd. People were smiling at her and nodding... 

"I'll take your arm if that's still an option," she whispered to Cullen. 

"Of course," she clung to his arm when he offered it to her and stood close. They marched on and people kept calling her _herald_. 

"Why are they saying that?" she looked up to Cullen. He looked down at her and smirked. 

"They are calling you the Herald of Andraste. Many believe that there was a woman who stood behind you when you came out of the rift. They believe it was Andraste," he explained. Banreas was shocked. How had she gone from being a prisoner to some herald? 

"This doesn't make sense. How long was I asleep?" This all seemed like it happened too fast.  _It's only been a day, right?_

"Three days my lady. You were exhausted. You almost passed out while sealing the rift, I had to hold you up. We decided to just let you sleep, Solas said that happens sometimes when someone's been through something traumatic. You stabilized the Breach and stopped it from growing, the people believe Andraste guides you," the way Cullen said it made it sound like he also believed it. Banreas shook her head, she couldn't believe how things had changed. Some people actually thanked her as she walked by. 

"Are you alright?" Cullen asked. 

"No, not really," Cullen nodded at her and they picked up the pace. He led her through the town he called Haven and up to a large Chantry building. Once they were inside, Banreas breathed a sigh of relief. It was much quieter inside and during her last three years at the Circle she had grown to find comfort inside the Chantry. The building was lit by numerous candles and several clerics walked the halls. There were many doors in this building and Banreas wondered what lie behind them but Cullen guided her to the back of the building to double pane doors.

They entered the room and Banreas noted it must have been a conference room at some point but it now served as a command station. She slowed down a bit when she noticed the Grand Chancellor was in the room, he sneered at her. Cassandra and Leliana were there, and there was another woman Banreas did not recognize. Judging by her looks, she had to be Antivan. She at least was smiling at her. Cassandra approached her and for once she wasn't scowling. Banreas dropped her hands from Cullen's arm as Cassandra placed her hands on Banreas' shoulders. Banreas took a moment to really look at the woman. She had a large scar on her left cheek that drew attention to her prominent jawline. She had stunning eyes and right now those eyes were full of concern. Cassandra opened her mouth and made to speak when the Chancellor intervened. 

"Guards!" he bellowed. Two heavily armed soldiers marched in and the Chancellor pointed at Banreas. "Chain her. I want her ready to be moved to Val Royeaux for trial," the guards did not move, instead they looked at Cassandra and Cullen. 

"Disregard that. Leave us," Cassandra ordered. She dropped her hands at Banreas' shoulders and turned to glare at the Chancellor. 

"How dare you Seeker?" the Chancellor asked menacingly. 

"The Breach is stable but it is still a very real threat. We will not ignore it. She fought valiantly and almost lost her life fighting by our side," Cassandra pointed back at Banreas. "We heard the voices at the Temple, the Divine called out to her for help," 

"She is not responsible. Someone else organized the attack; someone no one would expect. I do not think they died in the explosion..." Leliana interjected as she closed in on the Chancellor; she was accusing him. 

Banreas decided it was best she did not interfere. Cassandra declared that Banreas had been sent by the Maker himself and that they all would be foolish to not follow his will. Cassandra had turned back to one of the tables and grabbed a large and heavy book and pressed it into the Chancellor's chest. 

"This is from the Divine. It grants us the authority to act. I hereby declare the Inquisition reborn. We will close the Breach and restore order with or without your help," Cassandra appeared to tower over the Chancellor. He seethed at her before shaking his head and leaving the room, slamming the door behind him. 

"Cassandra, we have no leader and the Chantry has denounced us," Cullen finally spoke up. 

"We are to restore the Inquisition of old and find those who would stand and fight. We have no support and we aren't ready," Leliana's lilting voice sounded sad. Cassandra shook her head at Leliana and turned to Banreas. 

"We must act now, with you at our side," she said with reverence. Banreas stared at the woman with her mouth agape. The woman had at one point probably debated whether she would kill her... and now she believed Banreas was sent by the Maker to help them all. Banreas sighed as she closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. She still had the hideous mark on her hand and the Breach was still in the sky... Who else would help? She already knew she could effect the Breach with the mark on her hand; they needed her. Banreas steeled herself, opened her eyes and stood up straight, arms crossed behind her back. She nodded at Cassandra. 

"If you truly want to restore order, I will help in anyway I can," Banreas said as her heart began to beat faster.  _I have no home, no where to go, there is no one looking for me... I have no choice._ Cassandra grinned at her as she extended her hand. Banreas took her hand and shook it firmly.  _Creators, give me strength._ No one had ever trusted her with anything more than following the rules of the Circle... how was she supposed to help the Inquisition? 

Banreas was allowed to look at the book Cassandra had brought forth. The book bore what must have been the Inquisition insignia: a giant eye that was surrounded by sun rays. Cassandra read out the writ that the Divine had written and then there was a flurry of movement. Banreas was introduced to the Antivan woman, her name was Josephine, she was an old friend of Leliana's. Josephine advised them all on who they should contact for help. Leliana disappeared to send out messages to the people Josephine had mentioned. Cullen left to speak to the troops; he was now the Commander of _all_ of the Inquisition forces. Cassandra looked at Banreas and smiled. 

"You must still be a little confused after waking up. Let us figure out what we will do next, try and relax. I... apologize for my actions before. I lashed out. I was the Divine's Right hand... Her death is a blow to us all. Can you forgive me?" Cassandra looked ashamed. The woman had been quick to judge but Banreas could see she had a good heart. She respected that. 

"What is there to forgive?" Banreas smiled at her kindly. Cassandra smiled back and left her to do as she pleased. 

Banreas was no longer a prisoner but she had been  _persuaded_ to stay and help the Inquisition. And now for the first time, she had no instruction and she had no directives. 

Banreas couldn't help but smile to herself as she set off to explore what Haven had to offer. 


	3. In Mourning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Banreas is now being called the Herald of Andraste and she does not like the title. She is afraid that she will not live up to everyone's expectations as she struggles to live up to her own. Lacking a direction and a sense of purpose, she begins to mourn those that were lost at the Conclave.

Being idle was not something Banreas was good at.  _Try and relax? How am I supposed to relax?_ Banreas pondered as she walked out of the Chantry. There were people crowded around the Chantry looking at a notice on the wall. Banreas walked over to analyze it, it was a declaration that the Inquisition had been reborn. A few people clapped her on the back and thanked her as they walked away from the Chantry. Banreas could hear murmurs in the crowd that made her feel very uncomfortable. 

"That's the Herald! Wasn't she supposed to close the Breach?" 

"No one knows what that thing is yet, it's not her fault,"

"The Seeker had her in chains! I thought they were supposed to know everything," Banreas was done listening to the poorly veiled whispers. Arms crossed behind her back, she walked away from the crowd and the Chantry but soon stopped once she realized she didn't know where she was going. She took a moment to look down at the town. Haven was settled in the mountains and the area was heavily wooded. Snow had settled on the trees and the rooftops; it was beautiful. Banreas remembered being excited travelling to the Conclave, she had never been in the snow. 

Numerous tents had been erected in the town to accommodate the influx of people after the explosion. There was a flurry of activity, she assumed people were spreading the news about the Inquisition.  _And gossiping about the Herald,_ she winced internally. Banreas felt anxious, she scanned the town to see if she could find the cabin she had been in or anyone that she recognized. She wasn't used to being alone; at the Circle the mages stuck close together and when they traveled outside the Circle a Templar always accompanied them. 

She wished her thoughts hadn't wandered there... Her lips turned down as she breathed in deeply and remembered how many people were at the Conclave. Her First Enchanter Elaine had been in attendance and a few of the Templars: Carlisle, Florian and Giles. She was sure they were all gone. First Enchanter Elaine asked Banreas to come with her, she wanted a chance to prove that the Circles can work. Although the First Enchanter didn't intend on speaking of Banreas' past, Banreas knew she was her proof that the Circles were safe and could save people.  _It saved someone like me._

Banreas willed herself not to cry, at least until she found the cabin she woke up in. She marched off with her head down low; she didn't want to open herself up to conversation. Banreas had gone from happy to distraught in a short amount of time. Her feet guided her where she needed to go, her subconscious knew she needed to be alone. She found herself at the cabin, opened the door, shut it, then tossed herself on the bed. She wailed into the pillow, muffling her sobs. She couldn't leave, she really had nothing to go back to, and the people she had grown to trust were dead. 

She turned over on her back and took out her necklace. She ran her fingers over the image of Andraste and tears streamed down her face. When the First Enchanter first put the necklace on her, she looked at her with warmth in her eyes and said "You are no monster, child. There is nothing but goodness in you," The Circle was supposed to be her second chance; an opportunity to start over. But now...

"I don't want to be a monster," she said out loud as she tried to calm down. She felt lost without the First Enchanter's direction and she feared she would somehow lose the person she had become. She thought of the people she had met over the last few days... the people of Haven didn't know her to be a monster.  _I can do what they ask of me._ She sat up and hid her necklace in her tunic, inhaled deeply and said "I am no monster," 

* * *

 As Banreas sat and tried to collect herself a knock sounded at the door. She truly wasn't ready to speak to anyone but she also felt that sitting in the cabin all day wasn't a good idea. She used her sleeve to wipe the tears from her face and squared her shoulders. 

"Come in," she called out, she tried to sound as normal as possible. Varric walked through the door with an enormous grin on his face and his arms stretched out wide. 

"Well would you look at us, kid! Prisoners no more! We're officially conscripted. You'll probably have to sign some paper to make it official, I just did. Heh," Varric scratched the back of his head and laughed humorlessly. "So, Herald of Andraste eh?" that enormous grin was back. 

"Herald. Ugh!" Banreas said in disgust as she shook her head. 

"Ha, ha! Better get used to it kid, it has a nice ring to it and it's catching. Well, we can call you something else. Let's see... Firecracker! Yeah, that suits you," Varric snapped his fingers and then clapped his hands together. He looked rather pleased with himself. 

"I've always thought my name worked just fine," Banreas narrowed her eyes at the man but she was fighting a smile. He looked so carefree and it appeared he was taking everything in stride. 

"Nah, it's too late. Can't change my mind," he said as he held his hands up and shook his head. "Anyway, I came to check up on you. I saw you walk back here and you seemed upset," He dropped the smile and furrowed his brow. Banreas sighed. 

"I am fine, it's just a lot to take in," she willed him to believe her lie.

"Yeah, well the Conclave went tits up, The Seeker starts the Inquisition, and oh yes, there's a big hole in the sky. It's a lot to take in. That's why I'm here! Why don't we get you some food, you gotta be hungry. You slept for three damn days," Varric crossed his arms and smiled. Now that he mentioned it, Banreas was  _starving._

"The food better be good dwarf," she said as she got up. She winked at him and headed for the door. 

"Don't look at me, I'm definitely no cook!" 

The two set off and Banreas couldn't help but think that Varric was certainly a colorful character who used interesting language.  _What does "tits up" mean?_

Varric seemed to be well acquainted with Haven already and set a brisk pace. They followed a path back up towards the Chantry and stopped outside of a tavern called the Singing Maiden. Once inside, Banreas let Varric lead them to an empty table. There was a bar full of patrons; the innkeeper was bustling to and fro with tankards of ale in her hands. Banreas looked towards the kitchen counter and could see a few people placing orders for food. One man walked past their table with a plate of food that made her salivate. Banreas pushed her chair back, the chair legs scraping across the stone, and headed to the kitchen's counter. Suddenly, she realized she had no money and it made her stomach feel hollow. Banreas turned heel and made to sit back down. 

"Oh no! You need food, where are you going?" Varric asked as he began to push her back. 

" _Varric,_ I have no coin!" she whispered through clenched teeth; people were watching them. 

"You're the Herald of Andraste, I'm sure the food is free!" Somehow, he had managed to push her all the way to the counter. She turned around and tried to smile at the cook, unfortunately it came out as a grimace. The cook was a red headed dwarf with a hefty mustache that was braided on the ends. His eyes grew wide and his mouth fell open. 

"You are the Herald, are you not? Are you hungry, what can I get you?" his deep voice raised an octave in excitement. 

"It's okay, I can't pay -" Banreas began to reply but Varric stood in front of her. 

"She's starving," he interjected. 

"Ah, yes. Just a moment!" the cook said as he held up a finger. He disappeared into the back and came back with two bowls of a delicious smelling barley stew and a chunk of bread on the side. Banreas grinned from ear to ear as she looked at the cook. 

"I am in your debt! I will repay you, I promise!" she and Varric headed back to their table and sat down. Banreas took her bread and dunked it in the stew. She moaned with content when she bit into it. Varric stared at Banreas incredulously as she shoveled food into her mouth. She looked up at him, raised a brow, and then gave an apologetic grin. Varric only shook his head and laughed. 

"I guess that's what happens when you sleep for three days," he said as he ate his food at a normal pace. Banreas was too engrossed with her food to notice that someone had walked up to their table. 

"Ah, there you are. I heard you were awake," that baritone voice; it was Solas. Banreas looked up with her cheeks full of food and swallowed hard. His brow was furrowed in concern as he reached down but stopped before touching her face. "May I?" he asked. Banreas nodded and he placed the back of his hand on her forehead. Heat flooded her body as she was only able to tolerate the touch for a few seconds before pulling back. 

"You had a fever for two days. I wanted to be sure you are well," his frown was gone and it was replaced with a look of relief. 

"C'mon, Chuckles. Give her a chance to eat before you start hovering again," Varric chastised. Solas stared down at Varric with an unfathomable expression before turning to look at Banreas and sitting down at the table. Banreas tried to eat slower now that she had an extra set of eyes on her.  _Intense, blue eyes._ He sat with his elbows on the table, hands clasped in front of his mouth. He watched her every move. When she was finished with her stew, Banreas brought the bowl to her mouth to drink the remaining broth. When she placed the bowl back down on the table, she grabbed her spoon with her left hand and placed it inside the bowl. She shook her left hand out as the movement had caused her to wince. Solas of course took notice. 

"Is your dominant hand the left?" he asked gravely. She nodded as she analyzed her left hand. "Is the mark causing you discomfort?" Banreas never liked to show weakness and she hated that he had taken notice of her pain

"It is tolerable. I will be fine," she said coldly. Solas shook his head. 

"I heard from the Seeker that she would like us all to depart tomorrow, although I do not know where she intends us to go. If you are to travel, it is best we address this now. The apothecary may be able to help," he implored. Banreas considered him for a moment. _Perhaps he is right._ She turned to look at Varric who simply raised his eyebrows at her as he blew on his stew to cool it down. Banreas puffed up her cheeks and let out a huff of air. 

"You are right. Will you tell me where I can find the apothecary?" 

"Yes, I can show you actually," Solas said with small smile. He got up and waited for her to rise. Banreas turned to Varric and smiled appreciatively and he grinned back. 

"See ya, Firecracker. I'll come around later," Varric said. Banreas bridled at the nickname he had given her and shook her head incredulously. She rose from the table with her bowl and brought it over to the kitchen. Banreas was hesitant as she moved to follow Solas, his presence made her uneasy. He was a hard read and Banreas thought that she usually had a good handle with that sort of thing. With a sigh, she followed him outside the tavern. 

* * *

Solas walked at a leisurely pace with his hands clasped behind his back. Banreas tilted her head at his stance as she took notice of her own; arms crossed behind her back. They were both reserved. He did not appear to be a city elf, nor did he strike her as one that belonged to a clan. He wore green leathers and a beige tunic over it and for the first time Banreas noticed that he was wearing a necklace.  _Is that... a jaw bone?_ she stared intently as she judged it's size and the teeth.  _It belonged to a wolf, how strange._

He sensed her stare and looked over at her with a small smile. They were about the same height and she was instantly drawn to his face. He had a long angular face with a small dimple in his chin. He had longer ears than she did, it made him look regal. He had freckles that peppered his nose and his cheeks; they made his piercing blue eyes that much more intense. He did not have a vallaslin, which she found odd. Dalish or not, it was out of the ordinary to not mark oneself with the vallaslin of an elven God. If given a choice, Banreas would not have chosen the vallaslin on her face; that choice had been taken from her a long time ago. He was unlike any elf she had seen.

"Have you also been conscripted?" she asked him jokingly, although she wouldn't put it past Cassandra to force his hand. Solas chuckled as he looked up at the clouds. 

"No, I have not been conscripted. I could just walk away, get as far away as I can. But the effects of the Breach will continue to spread and the problem would find me anyway. I must see that this is finished," 

"Well, it would appear that Varric and I had no choice in the matter. Thank you for choosing to stay," she said. Solas had now stopped and turned to face her. 

"I have journeyed deep into the Fade and into ancient ruins and battlefields to see the dreams of lost civilizations. I watched as spirits reenacted the bloody past of ancient wars, both famous and forgotten. Each war has it's hero. I am curious to see what kind of hero you will be," he said as he searched her face, waiting for an answer. 

 _Hero? I am no hero. Quite the opposite,_ she thought as she stared morosely at the snow that covered the ground. She chose not to answer him. She looked up at him and tilted her head in the direction they were walking. Solas took the hint and continued to lead her toward the apothecary.  _That was rude of me,_ she thought with a sigh. She searched for a way to correct it. 

"Why do you do it?" she asked. 

"This world has a rich, colorful, and dark history. Spirits are attracted to different areas for various reasons and they weaken the barrier between our world and the Fade. When I dream in such places I can find memories that were once thought lost," he happened to look over at Banreas and caught her bewildered expression. 

"I did not know that one could enter the Fade intentionally. That is not something the Circle teaches. How do you do that?" Banreas was genuinely curious. They had now stopped outside of a building that certainly smelled medicinal. Solas' hand paused on the door handle as he smiled. 

"As I mentioned before, I know much that many mages do not. I could teach you if you wish. You are more than capable," he answered. He didn't let her respond as he opened the door and held it open for her. Banreas very much wished to learn, she wondered how he would teach her such a thing. 

As they entered a tired, moody man grunted at them. His name was Adan and for some reason he seemed irritated that it took Banreas so long to recover. He barely looked over at them as he paced the room, working on several things at once. He gave her a salve for her hand that was meant to numb the area and he mentioned he would need more elfroot to make her more. Banreas promised to look out for the herb and they left the man to brood. As they left the apothecary, Banreas crossed her arms behind her back and rolled her eyes at Solas. 

"Ha, ha! Oh, don't mind him. He is acting as a healer and he is  _no_ healer. The poor man is overworked. I had to excuse the man from watching over you. I thought a blood vessel would pop in his head," he said. They continued to walk in silence, Banreas found that it was not unpleasant. She realized that he was once again leading and she did not mind, she needed something or  _someone_ follow. He led her away from the town center and out to what appeared to be where the troops were gathered. 

There was a stable area and by the stables Banreas noticed a post that many Chantry sisters and soldiers gathered around. Curious, Banreas wandered over and Solas followed. As she got closer she noticed there were several pieces of parchment stacked beneath each other forming a long list. At the top of the list it read "The Missing". Banreas' heart stopped as she pushed her way through the crowd. She already knew the truth but she needed to see it for herself. The names were listed in order. Her fingers trailed the parchment as she found the names she was searching for:  _Carlisle... First Enchanter Elaine... Florian... Giles._ Her breath caught in her throat as she balled her fists and marched off. She fought her tears as she once again realized she had no idea where she was going. She found a tree and plopped down. She pulled her knees up to her chest and hid her face. 

She had forgotten Solas had been with her. She heard the snow crunch beneath his feet as he came and sat beside her. She looked up at him and her eyes betrayed her; she began to cry. Solas' eyes were full of sympathy. 

"The Templars, the First Enchanter; you cared for them deeply?" he inquired softly. Banreas suddenly grew angry. 

"Yes, they were good people. Why wouldn't I?!" she snarled. If he took offense to her words he did not show it. He continued to look at her and said nothing. She instantly regretted her words. "I am sorry. I am -"

"You are in mourning. There is nothing to apologize for. I am truly sorry for your loss. If you wish, I can leave you in peace," he murmured. She lifted her head and took in his expression; he was open and he seemed so sincere. 

"No, please stay," she almost begged. 

Solas put his hand on her back and rubbed soothing circles. Banreas couldn't control the wave of emotion, she leaned on his shoulder and wept. 

He didn't move and he didn't say anything; he simply let her mourn. 


	4. Old Habits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Banreas prepares to depart for the Hinterlands and she desperately tries not to fall into old habits. Without her First Enchanter's guidance, she is relying on her new companions to lead the way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Elvhen Phrases:  
> Ma serannas = my thanks/my gratitude  
> De da'rahn = You're welcome/it was a little thing.  
> Credits to FenxShiral

Banreas took no notice of how much time she and Solas spent underneath the tree. It felt as if she had cried herself out. She moved her legs that were pulled up to her chest and sat cross-legged. Solas moved his hand and placed it on his lap. She once again used her sleeve to wipe her tears and reached up to smooth her hair. She looked over at Solas who eyed her with sadness. 

"Ma serannas," she mumbled as humans walked by them. 

"De da'rahn," whispered Solas. Banreas' eyes scanned the field as she resolved that she couldn't let her emotions show in this way again. If she was going to help the Inquisition, she would need to pull herself together. She closed her eyes:  _Inhale,_  she chanted asher chest expanded.  _Exhale,_ she blew the breath out of her mouth. She opened her eyes slowly and looked at the snow at her feet. 

"So, you mentioned that Cassandra would like us to depart tomorrow?" she asked Solas. Solas looked taken aback; perhaps he wasn't expecting her to act as if nothing had just happened. He gave her a curt nod. 

"We should prepare for tomorrow then. I will go find her, I think I know my way back to the Chantry," Banreas smiled in his direction but averted her eyes. She got up and noticed that Solas did not move. She finally looked at him and she caught herself wondering how old he was. There was a depth to his gaze that took her off guard and made her wonder what things he had seen. He returned her stare with a somber expression. Fearing that she would once again start to cry, Banreas bowed slightly at him and headed toward the Chantry. 

Banreas tried her best to avoid people and she focused on simply putting one foot in front of the other. She made her way to the Chantry and let herself in. The dimly lit building and it's silence gave her some semblance of peace. She walked toward the back of the building and the double pane doors. To the left, a door opened and Josephine emerged and a waft of floral perfume followed her. This woman had to be a noble; she wore blues and golds and she was definitely  _puffy._ In combination with her tan skin and dark hair, it made her look exotic. The woman smiled at her widely. 

"Lady Lavellan! Just the woman I was looking for. A moment of your time?" her Antivan accent was quite enduring. She sashayed over to her with a writing board in her hand. Banreas stared at her in shock. 

 _Lady Lavellan? No one has ever called me that,_ she thought. She liked the way Josephine said it; she hardly ever heard her clan name said out loud. Banreas recovered from her shock and stood up straight. 

"Yes, of course. What can I do for you Lady Montilyet?" Banreas asked politely. Josephine turned her writing board around to display it to Banreas. 

"Since you are officially a member of the Inquisition, we must take down your signature. Just a formality, of course! Should anything happen to you, which I am sure it won't, we will want to notify your next of kin," she smiled at her while handing over a feathered quill to her right hand. 

 _Next of kin? My kin are dead._ Banreas hesitated for a moment and Josephine issued a polite cough. Banreas said nothing as she grabbed the quill with her left hand and made to sign the document. She realized that whenever she gripped something, it left her hand aching even with the numbing salve. With a sigh, she signed the document and when she was finished she handed the quill back to Josephine. 

"Splendid! It is good you've come, we can fill you in on the details of your departure tomorrow. I trust you had some time to relax?" Josephine asked as she sashayed toward the larger room she had been in earlier. 

"I did, thank you," Banreas said as they entered the conference room. Cassandra, Leliana and Cullen were already in the room. They had a large map spread out across two tables and Cullen was placing markers on the map. 

Leliana informed her that it was imperative that they reach out to the Chantry for support and that they wanted Banreas to depart the next morning to find a woman named Mother Giselle in the Ferelden Hinterlands. As they spoke, Banreas noticed that Cullen was leaning on the table and he was carving a marker for the map. When he was finished, he brought it up to his lips to blow off the wood shavings. He placed it on the map where the Hinterlands were and looked up at Banreas. He gave her a small lopsided grin that she found stunning. 

"My lady Herald, you will need armor and a staff as the one you had broke at the Temple," Cullen said as he stood up straight. "I'll introduce you to our blacksmith once we are done here," 

Banreas tried to keep her expression neutral as she nodded her assent. When their meeting adjourned, Banreas and Cullen left to find the blacksmith. 

* * *

Cullen walked with purpose and his eyes were ever vigilant. His eyes settled on a group of clerics huddled right outside the Chantry. Cullen's stare turned into a glare as his nostrils flared and he placed himself in front of Banreas. Banreas peeped over him and she saw why he behaved in such a way; Chancellor Roderick was sneering in their direction. Banreas picked up her pace so that she walked side by side with Cullen; she gave the Chancellor a stoic expression. 

"I won't let him intimidate me Cullen. I am sure there are more like him," she said as she held the Chancellor's gaze until  _he_ looked away. 

"You make him question his faith. Even so, I won't stand for his posturing. This is hardly the time to spread distrust among the people," Cullen said as he shook his head. Banreas had not been expecting this from Cullen. 

"You did not trust me either," she hadn't meant to say it but it came out anyway. She remembered his resentful glare back at the Temple; he could have easily chosen to behave the same way the Chancellor did. Cullen stopped dead in his tracks and turned to face her. 

"It was wrong of me to behave the way I did. I didn't know what to think when they first brought you into Haven after the explosion. I got lost in my anger but you have shown me that I was wrong. I am sorry," his amber eyes bored into hers and she nodded. He continued to walk. 

"The man won't acknowledge the facts before him. He is -, he's being..." Cullen's anger began to show and he began to stutter. 

"He's being an ass," she finished his sentence as she suppressed a giggle. Cullen's light laugh carried in the wind. 

"An unbearable ass, yes," he said as they passed the stable area. They stopped by a bustling smithy and the smell and sounds brought back many memories. Banreas stiffened as they approached the blacksmith. The blacksmith's name was Harritt and although he was rough around the edges, he was very polite. Cullen ushered her through the smithy as Harritt went to grab the staff he had put up for her. Banreas tapped Cullen on the shoulder and she motioned for him to lean down. 

"Cullen, I can't pay this man. This happened earlier with the cook and Varric somehow persuaded the man to not ask for payment. What am I going to do?" she whispered.

"Although it might take some time, you will be given a stipend. All members of the Inquisition will. Harritt knows what he signed up for, he will be taken care of. Trust me," Cullen said reassuringly. Just then, Harritt summoned Cullen over to him and Banreas was left to wander around the smithy. 

Different types of weapons were separated by type and placed on their respective tables. Banreas passed by a table that displayed various daggers and small blades and her stomach dropped. Instinctively, she reached for a dagger and grabbed the hilt. She picked it up and felt it's weight in her hands; it was perfectly balanced. She placed the blade back on the table with disgust. 

Until the Conclave, Banreas hadn't had to fight in over three years.  _Three peaceful years,_ she reminisced. Although she had learned to used a staff when she joined the Circle, she wasn't accustomed to fighting with one. It felt awkward and she felt slow. Without thinking, she had picked up another dagger. 

 _This... This is what I know. Hiding, waiting in the shadows. Disarming your opponent; blades sliding through flesh._ Banreas felt sick with the memory. This is what she had feared; losing the person she had become during the past three years. Falling into old habits...  _I don't need this, I've come such a long way. I'll be okay._ Banreas got hot under the collar and her palms began to sweat.  _I'm too slow with a staff, I'll be a liability._ She felt like she was going to hyperventilate. Her eyes zeroed in on the edges of the blade and she followed it's curvature. 

"Are you skilled with a blade too?" Banreas was startled out of her inner turmoil; Cullen had appeared at her side with a staff. 

"Th -" the air was sucked out of her lungs and she was unable to say what she wanted to say.  _This is how I know to fight,_ is what she meant to say. She  _physically_ couldn't tell him the truth. Banreas clenched her teeth as Cullen waited for her to respond. She opened her mouth to speak again and her breathing was once again cut off. Her blood began to boil and she reached up to touch her necklace.  _Breathe._

"Did you want to take a set of daggers with you? I'd rather you be well armed," Cullen prompted.  _Yes, there's nothing wrong with being well armed. Right?_ she asked of herself. She made up her mind. 

"Yes, I'll take them," a wave of guilt, shame, and disappointment washed over her as she picked up a set of daggers. 

_This doesn't have to make me a monster._

* * *

 Banreas was given a beautiful staff that had an opal orb at the top and a vicious looking blade at the other end. She asked Harritt for scout armor and an enchanted coat which seemed to further confuse Cullen. Banreas knew the Mage-Templar war still raged across Thedas and she was not going to walk around in Circle robes. Cullen helped her carry her things back to the cabin. Suddenly, she had a thought. 

"Cullen, whose cabin is this?" she asked. 

"It is where Rosala stayed, she is a servant of the Chantry," Cullen replied. 

"Will you please tell her that I won't be using this cabin? It was nice that she let me stay here but I will not abuse her hospitality," Banreas gathered her things up once more and headed for the door. 

"Maker! Wait, where will you go?" Cullen was obviously flustered and he still had her newly acquired armor in his hands.  _That's a good question._ Banreas looked around the town and spotted Varric near a fire pit surrounded by large tents. She marched her way over to Varric who smiled at their approach. 

"Commander Curly, good to see you! I've already signed my life away; Penta- _gasp_  saw to that. What can I do for you?" Varric grinned wickedly. Banreas almost choked trying to stifle a laugh and Cullen simply blanched.

"Actually, I decided I won't be staying in that cabin. I came to ask you where you have been staying?" she asked Varric, making him turn to look at her. Banreas' voice was a little shaky as she was still fighting back laughter. Varric balked at her. 

"Uh, well. There's always room for another tent," he answered sarcastically as he gestured behind him. 

"Perfect, I'll do that then. Thank you Varric," Banreas chirped. She placed her weapons by the fire pit and turned to Cullen to get her armor. He shook his head at her. 

"My lady Herald, I don't like this," he whispered to her. 

"It's fine. Really," she whispered back as she took the armor from him. Resigned, he nodded and turned to address Varric.

" _Commander,_ works just fine Varric," Cullen suddenly looked deadly. 

"Goodbye,  _Curly,"_ Varric said as he waved at Cullen.  _If looks could kill,_ she thought as Cullen stormed off. 

"I think he means to kill you, Varric," Banreas warned. Varric had already turned around and began looking for a tent pole and Banreas followed him to help.

"Who? Commander Noodle Hair? Nah, we go way back! He's only mildly irritated," Varric waved the whole thing off. She couldn't take it anymore; Banreas' trilling laughter caused him to turn around and made him chuckle. 

"Well, okay but," Banreas paused as she looked around her and whispered conspiratorially to him. "Penta- _gasp?!_ Cassandra _definitely_ wants to kill you," 

"The Seeker? Yeah, maybe. Or maybe she's in love with me. Its hard to tell with that one," Varric mused. Banreas had never been in love but she was fairly certain that the looks Cassandra had given Varric could not be mistaken as loving. They finished erecting her tent and Varric found her an extra bedroll and a blanket. As night fell, the two of them sat by the fire and Varric told her a little of his past adventures and _misadventures_. She officially declared him the funniest dwarf she had ever met. 

"Aw, see? I knew we would get along Firecracker! We're going to have fun," Varric sounded so sure of himself that Banreas couldn't help but believe him. 

Sitting with him and laughing together helped ease some of Banreas' shame and guilt. She laid down that night believing that she would be okay; that she could be normal. 

 _I'm not a monster,_ she told herself as she drifted off to sleep. 


	5. The Hinterlands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Banreas and her party set off for the Hinterlands and for the first time in over three years she goes into battle against other living and breathing beings. She does exactly what she didn't want to do; fall into old habits.  
> As she struggles with the reality of what the Inquisition will need from her, she finally lets someone in to comfort her and that person happens to be Varric Tethras. During their conversation, Varric unwittingly reveals some interesting information. 
> 
> *** This chapter is kinda long; I had too much fun with some of the dialogue, especially at the end. Enjoy!***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nehna = Joy  
> Ara lethal'lan = my friend  
> All Elvhen names credited to: [FenxShiral](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4401050/chapters/9994241)

Banreas always had trouble sleeping. She awoke in her tent and she could tell that the sun had not risen. She laid on her bedroll staring up at the tent and desperately wished she could go back to sleep. Without fail, nightmares plagued her dreams and she always woke herself up before they got worse. 

With a groan, Banreas tossed aside her blanket and decided to just get up. She stood up and stepped outside her tent and the cold winter air sent chills that reached her bones. She looked at the horizon and could see the sun just waiting to make it's appearance. She decided it would be best to get a head start and prepare to leave for the Hinterlands. She went back into her tent to gather a fresh pair of clothes and her armor. She set off for the Chantry to find a washroom. 

Haven was dreamy and peaceful in the early morning hours and the Chantry was no different. The building was quiet and Banreas instantly relaxed her shoulders; she did not know why she always felt so tense. She ran into Rosala who seemed to already be flustered with work. The sweet elf directed her to a large washroom and Banreas was grateful that no one else was present. She walked over to one of the many tubs and saw the same kind of soap that had been in the cabin; the soap that smelt of honey and almonds. Banreas lost herself in the soothing scents and the warm water; it helped drive the nightmares from her head. 

Once she was done with her bath, she put on her clothes and her scout armor. The armor looked Dalish; the green tunic and the brown leathers... it reminded her of what the hunters of her clan had worn. Like many things, Banreas pushed the memory down and refused to dwell on it. She had accepted the fate of her clan a long time ago. She threw on the enchanted coat; it was black and white wool lined the inside, she loved the way it felt. She walked over to the mirror to look at herself. Her hair was still down and fell over her shoulders. She never knew what to think of herself when she looked in a mirror, over the years she had grown indifferent. Her expression bordered on a scowl and she tried to relax her face. She leaned in closer to the mirror and traced her fingers over her green vallaslin that marked her forehead. Her fingers found their way to her eye and she pulled her eyelids wide to inspect her pupil. 

It was normal.  _Of course it's normal, why do I still do this?_   She closed her eyes and massaged her temples.  _I'm me, I'm in control now._ She opened her eyes and looked back in the mirror; her scowl was back. She gave up on relaxing and quickly braided her hair and tied it into a bun. She had grown tired of looking at herself. 

Banreas left the washroom and meant to head back out into the town. As she walked the corridors of the Chantry she found an open door; she could hear low murmurs and whispering. Curious, she peaked inside; it was a prayer room. A few Sisters and clerics were kneeling in the pews in front of a statue of Andraste. Her feet seemed to have a mind of their own as they led her to one of the pews closest to the door. Banreas took out her necklace and lovingly ran her fingers over it. She knelt down with her necklace in her hands and decided to pray to whoever would listen.

She soon felt a whoosh of air and a presence kneel beside her. Banreas opened her eyes and looked to her right; it was Cassandra. Banreas felt oddly vulnerable and tried not to show how unsettled she felt. Cassandra nodded and gave her a small smile. 

"I suppose I should not be surprised to see you here. You  _do_ believe in the Maker then?" Cassandra asked in hushed tones; she had leaned in close so that Banreas could hear her. 

"I do not know what I believe in. Either way, prayer can't hurt, right?" Banreas' voice was barely audible. Banreas was glad that this was one truth that she could actually express. Cassandra tilted her head and eyed the rosary Banreas had clenched in her hands. She shook her head as she looked up at the statue of Andraste in the front of the room. 

"Say what you will, this is another sign that the Maker sent you to us. Since you are here, will you pray with me?" Cassandra asked as she looked back at Banreas. Banreas nodded at her and Cassandra grinned. If this small thing would bring the woman comfort, she would not deny it to her. 

Together they bowed their heads and prayed. 

* * *

Banreas departed for the Hinterlands that morning with Cassandra, Varric and Solas. They had been given one horse that carried all of their camping gear and food. Banreas stayed at the rear and guided the beast that she had silently renamed  _Nehna._ Cassandra led the way as she seemed well acquainted with the area and knew where the Inquisition scout camp would be. 

The first few hours were relatively quiet, not even Varric spoke much. Banreas didn't mind, she liked the silence. They set a good pace and they soon left the mountainside. As they walked, Banreas began to hum to the horse; she was a light beige with white spots near her backside and Banreas found her majestic. Solas slowed his pace and fell in step with her. Banreas ceased her humming. 

"No, please continue. It's very sweet," Solas urged. He beamed at her when she complied. She liked the way his nose crinkled ever so slightly when he smiled. Banreas looked up and noticed that both Cassandra and Varric had turned to look at her. She flushed and looked away but continued her humming. A few more moments passed by when Cassandra broke the silence. 

"Herald. You mentioned you lived in the Circle for some time. Which Circle did you reside in?" she asked without looking back. 

"I lived at the Orzammar Circle," Banreas called out. 

"Well I'll be damned, Firecracker. That explains  _everything._ Is it true that place is full of the _'come one, call all'_ types?" Varric chimed in. Banreas could almost hear Solas roll his eyes at Varric and she chuckled. 

"I recognize now that my experience was very out of the ordinary. The Circle operated outside of the Chantry and we were given many liberties and freedoms. The Templars were there because they wanted to be, they weren't there to keep us in. They protected us from what was  _outside_ ," she replied. 

"Oh, that is... good to know," Cassandra said as she glanced back at Banreas. 

"Banreas, how old are you?" Solas asked abruptly. Banreas turned and raised her brow at him in surprise.  _What an odd question,_ she thought. 

"I am twenty-one," she replied. 

"Ha, ha, HA! Pay up Seeker! What did I tell you?" Varric's boisterous laugh echoed in the forest. 

"Ugh! Shut up dwarf," Cassandra said with disdain. She did however, reach into her side pouch and handed Varric some coin. Banreas' mouth fell open as she turned back to Solas who gave her a dubious expression. 

"The way you speak, you seem much older than your looks suggest. Still, that was not the answer I expected," Solas said. Spurred on by Varric's laughter, Banreas squared her shoulders. 

"Well, then. How old are  _you_ , Solas?" she challenged. Solas' sudden deep chuckle made her fingers tingle and heat spread across her face. He gave her a mischievous grin. 

"I am old enough to see that you are wise beyond your years. You know more than than you let on. I find it intriguing," he said. 

"What he means is: ' _I watched you while you slept and couldn't figure you out,'_ now that she's awake I'm sure you'll get more answers, Chuckles," Varric added. Banreas was beginning to wonder if she was the only person in all of Thedas that didn't want to kill Varric. Solas ignored Varric entirely and continued on. 

"As I mentioned before, Adan is no healer. While you were recovering after closing that rift, I excused the man so that I could take over. You had a fever for two days and it took some time before it finally died down. It gave me time to analyze the mark on your hand. I have not found a way to safely remove it without killing you. That's what I couldn't  _figure out,"_ Solas clarified. 

"He was hovering," Varric said. 

"He did what I  _ordered_  him to. Now please, can we focus on moving quickly?" Cassandra had an accent that intensified when she was irritated. Banreas smirked at the woman's irritation and her companions let the conversation drop. Banreas lifted her left hand to inspect it; even with her gloves on she could see it's bright green glow. She flexed her hand and cringed at the sensation. Solas touched her right elbow to draw her attention. 

"Try not to worry, we can work on a solution together," Solas nodded at her reassuringly. Banreas looked down at his hand at her elbow and he pulled away. His touch didn't unsettle her like it used to and she found herself wishing he'd put his hand back where it was. 

* * *

The journey to the Hinterlands took two days. They approached the Inquisition camp that was high up on a hill and a female dwarf walked toward them. She walked past Cassandra and stopped in front of Banreas; the dwarf's eyes were filled with wonder. 

"Wow, the Herald of Andraste... I'm Chief Scout Lace Harding, pleased to meet you!" the scout said as she extended her hand. Banreas froze and her eyes flitted across her companions before she shook her hand. For a moment she wondered how the woman knew who she was but then she looked down at her left hand.  _Oh, yes. This hideous glowing thing._

"Please, just call me Banreas," she said. 

"Uh, sure. I mean, I'll try!" Harding had a cute face full of freckles and it made Banreas feel less embarrassed about her enthusiastic greeting.

Harding then filled them in about the state of the Hinterlands. She informed them that there were  _eleven_ rifts that had been reported across the Hinterlands and Banreas' stomach knotted up. On top of the demons roaming the land, the mages and Templars were still actively fighting each other. Banreas took out a small notebook that Josephine had give her and jotted down notes as she spoke. Banreas was already feeling overwhelmed by the amount of information Harding was giving them. The woman they had been tasked with finding, Mother Giselle, was at a refugee camp at a location called the Crossroads. To get there, they would have to get past the mages and Templars. 

Harding warned them that both parties had been unresponsive to the Inquisition scouts and Banreas knew what that meant; it meant they would have to fight. Banreas silently took stock of where all her weapons were: she had her daggers holstered at her sides, she had a knife hidden under the strap of her boot, and she had her staff. Banreas handed their horse over to one of the soldiers, the battlefield was no place for Nehna. When Cassandra announced their departure from camp, Banreas clenched her teeth and her body tensed. She resisted the urge to grab her daggers and instead readied her staff. The party left the camp for the Crossroads. 

* * *

The party made their way quickly down the hill toward the Crossroads and the sounds of battle could already be heard echoing in the forest. As the sounds of screaming and shouting got closer, Banreas' body began to act on instinct. She cast a barrier over her party and picked up her pace. She stood next to Cassandra who had readied her shield and unsheathed her sword. She could hear Varric loading bolts into his crossbow. 

They made their way down to level ground and cleared the forest; that's when they saw them. A group of maybe thirty men and women casting spells and blades making contact with soft bodies. Banreas could smell the blood. Cassandra made to continue her advance and quick as lightning, Banreas held her staff up to block her from moving further. 

"We  _cannot_ fight all of them. What is your intent?" Banreas demanded through clenched teeth. Cassandra looked at her in shock and then looked at the battle in front of them. 

"Well, let us see if they will listen to reason," Cassandra sounded unsure of herself. 

"Cassandra, they are beyond reason," Solas warned but Cassandra moved around Banreas' staff and marched forward. 

"Stand down! There is -," whatever Cassandra had wanted to say was cut short when Banreas grabbed her by the waist and pulled her away from an oncoming fire blast. Varric immediately responded by firing his crossbow at the mage that cast it. Cassandra's face contorted and she let out a fierce war cry that made several mages and Templars look her way and then she charged.

"DAMN IT!" Banreas roared. She tasted blood in her mouth and realized that she had bitten down on her tongue. She hadn't had to take another person's life in a very long time. The last time she had been in battle she had spilled  _a lot_ of blood. Feeling sick to her stomach, Banreas charged after Cassandra. 

Banreas quickly realized she couldn't just charge into battle and she knew she had to keep her distance. She decided to focus on dispersing the crowd. She stabbed her staff in the ground and gathered her energy into it and once it was charged she picked up her staff. She spun it and unleashed an arc of lightning that she aimed at the center of the fray. The lightening bounced off of several people and threw them back, creating an opening for Cassandra to charge into. 

She was able to keep her distance like this for some time. Solas was several feet away doing the same; casting barriers and walls of ice to protect them. Banreas was breathing hard trying to keep calm. She kept her eyes on Cassandra and she was becoming increasingly nervous that something was going to happen to her. She kept a barrier over the woman but Cassandra was getting too far ahead. Banreas watched Cassandra clash with a Templar that was twice her size but the woman was fearless and hacked away at the man. Two more Templars began to flank around Cassandra and Banreas moved into action. 

Banreas ran after Cassandra, she could hear Solas yell after her but she ignored it. She cast a bolt of lightening at a mage that was in her way and she jumped over his body when he fell to the ground. She rolled to the side as a blade came swinging down on her and she used her staff to smack the offending Templar in the head and she continued to run.

As she neared Cassandra, she flipped her staff around and coated the staff blade with fire. She eyed the Templar to the left of Cassandra and found a weak spot; under the armpit. She shot a bolt of lightening at the Templar's feet to distract him and force him to step back. The Templar noticed her and snarled, raising his blade up at her and that's when she struck. She drove her staff blade under his armpit, his clothes caught fire and he howled in agony. He staggered back and he dropped to his knees and Banreas used her staff blade to stab him in the neck. He made a strange gurgling sound and then fell back. 

"YOU BITCH!" a woman roared and Banreas felt a shield bash into her side. It knocked the wind out of her and she felt a strange dizzying sensation; the Templar was repressing her magic and it almost brought her to her knees. Banreas held nothing back as she unleashed a barrage of lightning from her staff that electrocuted the woman on the spot. Banreas let out a thunderous roar as she dropped her staff, grabbed her daggers and charged at the Templar Cassandra was still fighting. She approached from behind and drove one of her blades under the Templar's armor on the side. He was brought to his knees and Cassandra took off his head in one fell swoop. 

The battle around them had died down. Many of the mages and Templars had chosen to flee; their surprise attack threw everyone off. Banreas stood next to Cassandra and she could hear her heartbeat drumming in her ears. She looked down at her hands and saw her daggers covered in blood; her hands began to shake. She quickly sheathed her daggers and picked up her staff. She leaned on it trying to steady herself as Varric and Solas gathered around them. 

"Wow, Sparky. Didn't know they taught that at the Circle," Varric said cautiously. Banreas stared at him, eyes wild, as she tried not to think about what she had just done. She felt like they were all bearing down on her and she wanted to flee.

"We shouldn't stay here. Let's move," Banreas said as she finally steadied herself. She led the way and her companions followed in silence. 

 _You are a monster, aren't you?_ she thought to herself as they trudged forward. 

* * *

 Banreas was so overcome with shame and guilt that she refused to look back at her companions. When they reached the Crossroads, she could see a slew of downtrodden refugees. Banreas slowed her pace and stopped a woman passing by. 

"Excuse me, but have you seen a Mother Giselle?" Banreas asked softly. The woman looked exhausted but realization spread across her face when the woman looked down at Banreas' hand. 

"Are you the Herald of Andraste? Have you come to close the rifts? Oh, thank the Maker!" she said as she grasped Banreas' hand. "Yes, I have seen her. Just up the road, you can't miss her,"

"Thank you," Banreas said. The woman ran off toward a group of people near a merchant stand and gestured wildly back at Banreas and her party. Still unwilling to look anyone in the eye, Banreas continued down the path that the woman had directed her to. They found the woman called Mother Giselle, she was elderly and had a sweet Orlesian accent. She advised them to go to Val Royeaux and appeal to the remaining Chantry clerics.

Banreas asked her to help the Inquisition and Mother Giselle agreed but asked that the Inquisition send more soldiers to protect the people. Without consulting Cassandra, Banreas agreed and Mother Giselle asked her to speak to a Corporal Vale about what matters needed to be addressed first. Banreas went and spoke to Corporal Vale and made a list in her notebook of what needed to be done:  _Talk to the horse master Dennet, gather food and clothing for the refugees, clear the area to the East of bandits... Rifts._ Banreas circled the word  _rifts_ several times and she cringed internally. 

After speaking with Corporal Vale, she turned around and was about to set off again when Cassandra stopped her. 

"Herald, can we please stop to talk? Remember, you are not alone here," Cassandra asked sternly. Banreas opened her mouth to speak but thought better of it when she saw the exhaustion on everyone's faces. She stood tall and crossed her arms behind her back and waited for Cassandra to continue. 

"Let us first speak to scout Harding so that she may send soldiers to guard the path to the Crossroads. Perhaps then we can send word to Commander Cullen about sending more troops?" Cassandra suggested. Banreas nodded and allowed Cassandra to take the lead.

They left the Crossroads to go back to the Inquisition camp. Banreas put some distance between herself and her companions as they trekked back. She kept silent until they reached the camp. Wishing to be alone, she looked for Nehna. She found the horse tied up by a water trough and she placed her hands on the horse's neck. 

"Ara lethal'lan," she murmured as she stroked it's mane. Banreas sat down beside the horse and took off her left glove, her hand stung and she realized her fingers had gone numb. She searched one of her pouches for the numbing salve she had been given and rubbed it on her palm. She sighed in relief and looked up at the sound of footsteps. It was Varric.

"You alright there, Sparky?" Varric asked as he sat on the ground beside her. 

"Sparky? I thought I was Firecracker?" Banreas tried to keep her tone light; Varric was the only person that she felt she could trust and she didn't want to ruin that. 

"After that display earlier? No way, you're Sparky for today. Or, I could call you Broody but I really don't think that suites you," Varric chuckled. Banreas tried to smile but it turned into a grimace. 

"Ouch, that was painful. You can stop that. Seriously though, you can't shut down like that. It's like you forgot we were with you. We're all in this together, right?" Varric didn't bother with masking his concern. 

"I'm... I'm sorry Varric. I suppose I'm not used to... all of that," she said as she stared into his eyes. 

"These are tough times. We're out to save lives, that's what we were conscripted for! I know none of this is pretty, but try and remember the big picture, okay?" he said as he patted her on the back. She finally managed a smile and nodded at him.

Just then Cassandra approached and informed them that she had sent a messenger bird out to Cullen. Scout Harding gathered a small contingent of soldiers to trek back to the Crossroads with their party. This time, Banreas took Nehna with them; the horse brought her comfort. They once again set off for the Crossroads and Banreas was feeling extremely tired. She hummed quietly to Nehna as the troops around them chatted among themselves. Banreas' ears twitched as she picked up Cassandra's irritated voice. She looked over at Cassandra who was glaring down at Varric. 

"I  _know_ you know where he is Varric. We need his help," Cassandra all but spat at him. 

"C'mon, Seeker! I already told you; I don't know where he is! I haven't spoken to him in ages," Varric said defensively. 

"If I find out you're lying..." Cassandra's hands balled into fists as her sentence trailed.

"You're a Seeker of Truth, you already know all there is to know," Varric responded sarcastically. Cassandra muttered something under her breath and walked away from him. Banreas whistled at Varric to grab his attention and motioned for him to walk with her. Varric came to walk by her and raised his eyebrows. 

"What was that about?" Banreas asked in a low voice.

"What, with the Seeker? Ack! She's mad because she wants to know where Chuckles is," Varric raised his hands up and waved it off. Banreas looked around her and spotted Solas just a few feet ahead of them. Puzzled, she looked back down at Varric. 

"Chuckles? You mean Solas? But he's right there," Banreas asked in confusion. 

"Him? No, not that Chuckles! The other Chuckles; Hawke. Garrett Hawke," Varric took in Banreas' blank expression and his mouth dropped. "You can't be serious... Garrett Hawke? The Champion of Kirkwall?" 

"Oh, I see. I didn't realize you knew the Champion of Kirkwall," Banreas had heard that name in the Circle but she knew little else beside what had happened before the man left Kirkwall. Varric blanched at her. 

"Okay Sparky, did you live under a rock?! Of course I know the Champion of Kirkwall! I was  _there_ with him when all that madness happened and Blondie blew up the Chantry! Andraste's tits, I wrote it all in the book..." 

"What book?" Banreas asked in exasperation; she was getting lost in all the nicknames he used and the information he was throwing at her. 

"Okay, you're officially scaring me," 

"UGH! Whatever. Well,  _do_ you know where he is?" she knew there was much she didn't know; before she lived in the Circle she might as well have lived under a rock. 

"Chuckles? Yeah, he's over there," Varric said as he pointed at Solas. 

" _Varric!"_ Banreas was truly irritated now and Varric laughed at her expression. 

"Nah, I don't know where Hawke is," Varric said as he shook his head. Banreas let the conversation end as she analyzed Varric's demeanor; his mouth twitched and his hands clenched and un-clenched. 

Banreas knew Varric was lying. He knew exactly where the Champion of Kirkwall was. 


	6. Get to Know Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Banreas has a disturbing nightmare; but then again all of her nightmares are disturbing.  
> She and Solas finally sit and talk and he confronts her about her behavior. She still hasn't decided what she thinks of him but she decides to let him help her.  
> This chapter is long and after this the series will skim over a lot of events. This ends with Solas' POV! Hope you enjoy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Elvhen words/phrases:  
> asha'lan = daughter  
> babae = father  
> lethal'lan = friend  
> All Elvhen names and phrases credited to: [FenxShiral](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4401050/chapters/9994241)

By the time Banreas and her party arrived back at the Crossroads, it was well past dinner time. Banreas didn't know how she was still on her feet, she felt as if she was floating. She was tired and hungry, but at the moment both sensations had become indistinguishable. When the soldiers began erecting tents in an open field, she decided that her exhaustion outweighed her hunger. Although Varric had just spoken to her about shutting people out, she said nothing to her companions. She pulled her camping gear off of Nehna, quickly put up her tent and placed her bedroll inside of it. She sat down outside her tent and began pulling off her boots. 

"Uh, hold on there Sparky. You gotta eat something," Varric had rushed over to her when he saw her sit down. He had just started a fire and Cassandra was pulling out dried venison to roast. Banreas' eyes glossed over as her head bobbed to the side. 

"No thank you, Varric. I'd rather sleep. I'll eat in the morning, I promise," Banreas' words began to slur at the end. Varric stood in front of her for a moment swinging his arms at his sides before he nodded and walked back to the campfire. 

Banreas practically rolled inside of her tent and instantly regretted it; she gasped in pain and clutched her right side.  _The Templar and that damn shield,_ she recalled. Very slowly and carefully, she began to peel off her armor and clothing. Her hands lit up as if they were about to ignite and she used it as a light to inspect her right side. The right side of her ribs was already black and blue. Banreas was no healer; she was never meant to  _heal_ people... She thought about asking Solas for help in speeding up the healing process, but that meant she would have to put her clothes back on. With a sigh, Banreas laid down on her bedroll on her left side and instantly drifted off to sleep. 

* * *

  _Banreas stood in a river, waist deep in water. She looked around her and she recognized the open plains, the aravels, the halla pen... it was the last place her clan was camped at before her life changed forever._

_"Asha'lan?" it was the light soothing tone of her father. Banreas spun around, searching for the source of his voice._

_"Babae?!" she called out as she began to move through the river toward land. "I'm here, I'm right here..." Banreas reached the banks and took a few hesitant steps. Something told her to look down.  
_

_At her feet was her father's lifeless body; his throat was slit and his eyes were turned up to the sky. Banreas dropped to her knees and clutched at her father's chest._

_"No, no, no! Please, come back!" she began to weep as she laid her head down on her father's chest. "Please!" she pleaded as she buried her face in his chest._

_She turned to the sound of footsteps and looked up: there stood her sister in all of her glory. She had a gaping hole in her chest right where her heart was and her clothes were soaked in blood. Despite her wounds, she was stunning to look at; a true warrior. She held her hand out for Banreas to grab._

_Banreas threw herself at her sister but caught nothing but air; her sister disappeared and reappeared several feet away. At her sister's side was her friend Marel of Clan Lavellan. Marel appeared as a child; her vivid red hair was blowing in the wind and her blue eyes were wide with fear._

_Banreas' sister was mouthing something to her, but Banreas couldn't hear anything. Suddenly, Marel changed; she appeared as a grown woman and she was wearing the last clothes she had on before she died. Banreas' sister's eyes rolled back into her head and she fell down. Marel knelt down beside her and cradled her on her lap. Banreas ran over to them and knelt down beside them. Banreas could barely see through her tears._

_Marel reached out to stroke Banreas' face and Banreas leaned into the touch._

_"Remember to keep your promise, lethal'lan," the way Marel said it... it was like a command. Banreas cupped Marel's hand on her cheek._

_"What promise?" she asked. Suddenly, Banreas felt herself being pulled back into the water. She reached out grasping at the grass trying to keep herself on land._

_"Wait! What promise?! WAIT!" Banreas screamed out as her body began to sink into the river._

_"WAIT!"_

* * *

 Banreas gasped as she shot up, tears streaming down her face. She heard a grunt and the rustling of bed sheets at the other end of the tent; it was Cassandra. Banreas had completely forgotten that she would be sharing a tent with the woman. 

She felt like her heart was going to leap out of her chest. She began taking deep breaths to steady herself; she could taste the salt in her tears as they continued to flow. She ran her fingers through her hair as she replayed the nightmare in her head.  _What promise? I never made I promise, did I?_ she thought as she buried her face in her hands.  _Who would I have made a promise to? They're all dead anyway._ She looked up and and she could see the light from the campfire through the tent; it was still nighttime. Banreas knew she would never be able to get back to sleep now. 

She silently and gingerly put her clothes back on, careful not to wake Cassandra. She stepped out of her tent and put her boots back on. She looked around her and she could see that most of the soldiers had gone to sleep. Banreas had no idea what to do with herself so she decided to take a walk through the makeshift refugee camp at the Crossroads. 

Banreas wrapped her arms around herself, it was unexpectedly chilly that night. A few of the Inquisition soldiers nodded and tipped their helmets in her direction as she passed by; the way they behaved confounded her. Before she sealed the rift at the Temple of Sacred Ashes, she remembered the looks of hatred and disgust. Now, many of the soldiers looked at her with awe and reverence; she wasn't sure which she preferred. 

Her feet guided her away from the Crossroads. She was keenly aware that she wasn't wearing armor, she wasn't armed, and she was alone; she had no business walking by herself.  _Who cares if something happens?_ she thought darkly. Her nightmare had her feeling anxious and she wasn't thinking straight. She walked for about an hour or two before she realized she had made her way back to the main Inquisition camp. A few of the soldiers and scouts looked startled and confused at her approach but hurriedly stood up to greet her. She nodded at them in acknowledgment.

She wandered around the camp and made her way to one of the tables. The table was littered with letters, requisition requests and small notes. Banreas picked up a letter that was from Cullen addressed to Scout Harding: 

_Harding,_

_The Herald should arrive in a few days time. Clear the path to the Crossroads as much as possible. Maker save us should anything happen to her._

_Commander Cullen._

Banreas' lips parted and she inhaled sharply. She wondered if Cullen actually cared about her safety or if they just needed to keep her alive because of her tie to the Breach. She wanted to be useful, she didn't want to be a burden on the Inquisition; she  _needed_ to prove that she didn't need protection. She put the letter down and shuffled through the rest of the contents on the table. She found a map, grabbed it, and walked up to one of the Inquisition scouts. 

"Can you mark on the map where all of the rifts are located here in the Hinterlands?" she asked. The young man nodded at her and his face lit up; he grabbed the map and walked back to the table. He circled the locations of the rifts on the map and told her a little about each area. As he spoke, Banreas grabbed parchment and took note of his words; a plan had begun to formulate in her head.

Banreas stayed at the main camp until morning broke. She greeted Harding when she woke up; Banreas had startled the poor dwarf who hadn't been expecting her presence. Harding seemed eager to please and started to brew coffee and asked for someone to start making breakfast. Banreas' mouth watered at the smell of coffee, she hadn't had any since she left the Circle where she had first been introduced to the magical drink. She and Harding sat and had breakfast together and Banreas listened to Harding speak about her life in the Hinterlands before the Inquisition came. Banreas was happily sipping her coffee when suddenly, her stomach turned. 

"Oh crap! I need to go back; I didn't tell them where I was! Thank you for everything Harding but I have to go," Banreas' voice raised an octave in her panic as she got up from the table she was sitting at. 

Harding's face began to ashen. "Oh boy, well... Good luck with that Herald. Will you hold on a second?" she asked. Harding walked over to one of the tables and gave Banreas a pack of healing potions and lyrium for her to take back to the Crossroads. Banreas grabbed her notes and stuffed them under her shirt and into her corset. She graciously took the pack and raced off to go meet her companions. 

_Cassandra is going to kill me._

* * *

There was a flurry of activity in the early morning hours at the Crossroads and Banreas kept her eyes out for Cassandra; she wasn't sure yet how she would explain her absence to the woman. Banreas walked by the merchant stands when her ears twitched and the hair on her arms raised up. She felt a familiar presence or maybe it was a stare that she felt; whatever it was it gave her goosebumps. 

She stopped and looked around her, not sure what or who she was looking for when she spotted Solas emerge from one the cabins. He seemed deep in thought and his eyes were filled with worry. His eyes scanned the land before him and then he spotted her where she stood frozen in place. Relief spread across his face as he shook his head and made his way over to her. Solas walked over to her and got closer to her than she had anticipated; he was less than a foot away. Her body tensed as he grabbed her face and tilted it to the side as he scrutinized it. He released her face and placed the back of his hand on her forehead. 

"Lethal'lan, where did you go? Are you unwell?" Solas asked, his jaw clenched. He was so close to her she could smell him; it was the sweet scent of morning dew. She got lost in his eyes; for the first time she noticed that his blue eyes had a yellow ring around his pupil. She had never seen eyes like his. She still had not answered him and his hands came to grip her forearms. 

"Banreas,  _please._ Did you wander off and fall into a ditch? Did the veil open up and the Fade swallowed you whole? Or, perhaps you are thinking of running away?" his voice carried a hint of sarcasm and his gaze intensified. His eyes were stunning.  _Answer him you idiot,_ she thought. 

"I couldn't... I woke up. I couldn't sleep and I went for a walk," she finally managed to stammer.  _Wait, did he ask if I was thinking of running away?_ she thought. 

"I am curious; are you planning on leaving?" he asked as he gripped down on her forearms harder. 

"What makes you believe that?"

"Well, disappearing for hours without telling anyone is cause for concern. You keep your distance from us and you hardly speak. I understand your reticence to a certain degree but, I can assure you that running away is not the answer. If you are planning on leaving, I ask that you let me come with you. One way or another we have to remove the mark from your hand, you cannot do it alone," Solas said. Banreas went on the defensive. 

"I am  _not_ leaving. I  _can't._ And what reason do I have to trust anyone? You aren't the one who woke up in chains and accused of mass murder and chaos!" Banreas jerked her arms away from him. Truth be told, she did not know how she felt about Solas. He did not give much information himself and he had an air of mystery about him. There were brief moments in which she saw him relax and she often wondered what he was thinking about. Still, he was just as reserved as she was. Solas' full lips turned down and his eyes grew wide. 

"I did not put you in chains, lethal'lan; I would never do or suggest such a thing. I am here to help but you will not let me. Get to know me, Banreas. Let me help you," he said in a low voice. Banreas realized she was staring at him with her mouth open and she quickly shut it. Her pulse had quickened under his gaze. 

"I am overwhelmed, Solas. I thought I would just be sealing the Breach, I did not think I would be forced to kill people. I guess you can help me now though. What do you suppose I should tell Cassandra?" Banreas asked. She knew that her behavior had been erratic and she figured she should start trying to control herself. She decided to let him help her. 

"Hmm, that depends on where you went and what you did," he responded. She told him about how she woke up from a nightmare and had wandered back to the main camp. She explained the plan she had come up with during her time there. A smirk formed on his face as he watched her speak. 

"I see. I have not crossed paths with Cassandra this morning. We will tell her that we went to the camp together, that way she does not come to the same conclusion I did," he said as he clasped his hands behind his back. He tilted his head and his eyes ran across her face as he waited for her; she nodded at him. 

He led her back to where their tents were and they found Cassandra fuming, pointing fingers at Varric. Banreas guessed that Cassandra blamed Varric for most things and she felt bad for him. She walked up to Cassandra and the woman's cheeks puffed up and her face became red. Before she turned her anger on Banreas, Solas intervened. 

"Good morning, we just got back from the main camp. Banreas came up with a good plan. Will you share it with them?" he asked as he looked back at Banreas. 

"I was given a map to take with us. I had all of the locations of the rifts marked down for us. I thought it would be best to speak to the horse master Dennet; the Inquisition will need more steads and someone to keep them. Harding wants to establish a camp in the area but there are several rifts in that location; I figured we should close them," Banreas said as she kept her face impassive. 

"You do not want to head for Val Royeaux?" Cassandra asked as her face softened. 

"We will go there, we must. But I feel this is important. There are too many rifts in this area, we should close them. The people here have suffered enough," Banreas said resolutely. Cassandra considered her for a moment before she finally nodded. 

"You are right, Herald. We should leave soon then," Cassandra said. She then marched off and began to gather her belongings. Banreas turned to Solas who was already staring at her. His eyes bored into hers and his gaze did not waver. 

"Thank you for covering for me," Banreas smiled. 

"Thank you for letting me help you," he said in a low, raspy voice. He turned and walked away. Banreas watched him walk away and sighed; she hoped she could learn to trust him. 

* * *

 

They set off for Dennet's farm and Banreas was feeling a little more optimistic. She was skilled at reading maps and Cassandra let her lead the way. They brought Nehna along just in case they did not make their way back to camp. They quickly made their way through the Hinterlands and by midday they had reached a ravine that lay between them and Dennet's farm. Banreas also knew that there was a rift somewhere close by.

The hair on the back of her neck raised up and Banreas felt her left hand pulse and shake; the rift was close. Banreas tied Nehna up to a tree and warned her companions of what she believed lay ahead. They cautiously began to cross the ravine when Banreas spotted the rift up near a waterfall. The pulses that the mark produced made Banreas feel dizzy and she felt a strange pull from the rift; almost like a connection. She looked back at her companions as she readied her staff. 

"Ready when you are... is it Sparky or Firecracker today?" Varric asked as he loaded Bianca with bolts. 

"Guess you'll just have to wait and see!" Banreas said with a grin. And with that she charged at the rift. Demons leaped out of the rift as they approached; Solas warned them all to beware of the demons he called Terrors and she soon saw why. They were tall, lanky creatures that disappeared into the earth and reemerged somewhere else; they were trying to disorient them. 

Banreas decided she would rather be called Sparky than Firecracker so she summoned a barrage of lightning that bounced between the demons. Solas summoned several glyphs along the river that erupted in an explosion of ice when the demons crossed it. Solas was fascinating to watch; he had the face of a warrior and he was quick with his staff. Banreas made a mental note to ask him if he could teach her to be quicker with her own staff. 

They quickly defeated the demons and Banreas moved to close the rift. She lifted her left hand up and the tendrils reached her hand to form the tether. She channeled her energy into her hand and pulled as hard as she could. The movement was painful and it required a tremendous amount of focus. She finally felt a breaking point and with a final jerk of her hand, the rift closed. There was a loud snap and her hand crackled. 

"Agh!" she seethed as she shook her hand out. Her hand was actually smoking and the mark had burned a hole through her glove. Solas ran over to her and grabbed her hand to look at it, but she withdrew and shook her head. 

"I'm fine. Lets keep moving," she said breathlessly. Before she turned away from Solas, she caught the disappointed look on his face.  _"Get to know me,"_ he had said to her. She decided she would speak to him later, but right now she just wanted to make it to the farm. 

They finally arrived at the horse master's farm. He welcomed them in his home and Banreas noticed that he had the eyes of someone that had seen too much in his lifetime. Banreas asked the man for his help but he seemed hesitant. He informed them that if he was going to leave his family in the Hinterlands to help the Inquisition, there were several things he wanted done to ensure his family's safety. 

Banreas took notes in her small notebook:  _Close the rift to the north of the farm, establish watch towers to help protect the farm, deal with the strange wolves to the north..._ Banreas sighed; their time in the Hinterlands was going to be longer than she thought. By the time they were done talking with Dennet and his family, it was nighttime. He offered to let them stay the night at his farm and Banreas and her companions agreed. 

After the dinner they shared with Dennet and his family, Banreas wandered outside and looked up at the stars. After her nightmare the night before, she was reluctant to go to bed. Banreas sat on the steps of the house and took off her gloves. She massaged her left hand and she regretted not bringing more numbing salves with her; she had already run out of the one she brought. Goosebumps erupted over her skin and she felt a presence that was beginning to feel familiar to her. Solas came and sat beside her. 

"You're out of numbing salve, aren't you?" he asked softly. The moonlight made his skin glow and it made his freckles stand out even more. Banreas nodded at him. 

"Can I see your hand?" he asked as he held his hand out. Banreas hesitated for a moment.  _Get to know him,_ she reminded herself. She surrendered her left hand into his and he held it softly. His hands were unexpectedly rough but his touch was gentle. He placed his other hand over hers and his hands began to glow. A soothing energy began to surge into her hand and through her body. 

"Better?" he asked. Banreas unintentionally moaned in response and heat flooded her cheeks. Embarrassed, she tried to pull her hand away but he held it firmly in his grasp. "It's alright, please hold still," he said in a low voice. Banreas closed her eyes at his touch. She wasn't used to people touching her, she rarely allowed such gestures. But something about his touch brought her peace. 

"Solas. You are skilled with a sword, aren't you?" she murmured, she realized she had begun to lean on him. 

"Yes. I used to hunt and it's a good skill to have. How did you know?" he responded. His lips were close to her head and it sent chills down her spine. 

"Your hands. I can feel it..." she suddenly felt sleepy and her eyes began to close. 

"You are also quite skilled with a blade. Where did you learn to fight the way you do?" his voice sounded far away. 

"Mmmhmm," she mumbled before drifting off to sleep. 

* * *

 

"Banreas?" Solas asked as he gripped her hand tighter and lightly shook her. She moaned again and nuzzled into his shoulder. Solas released her hand and moved one arm under her legs and one at her back. He swiftly lifted her up and walked her over to the cabin that had been assigned to she and Cassandra. He entered the cabin and laid her down on one of the beds. 

"Mmm-mmm. No," she mumbled groggily, hands clinging at his tunic. He carefully removed her hands from his tunic and placed them at her sides. Solas looked at her face and it brought him happiness to see that her scowl was gone. Her face was relaxed and she looked even younger than she said she was. 

Banreas was a mystery to him. Her eyes were sad and tired; it was like she had seen too much and was trying hard to forget what she had seen.  _What is she hiding?_ he wondered. He stroked her cheek and his heart stopped when he saw her smile in her sleep. She was beautiful and mesmerizing. 

He had no right to look at her like this; no matter how beautiful she was. It didn't matter if she was hiding something; after all, so was he.  _Get to know me,_ he had told her; he had said the words without thinking. She shouldn't get to know him, but he desperately wanted her to. He said it partially because he wanted to know  _her._ He sensed that she knew much more than she let on; her eyes and her demeanor said it all.

She was so distrustful, tense and her mood was mercurial. But when she laughed... she changed; it was like she was a different person. He liked the sound of it and the way it made his heart warm. 

It was a dangerous feeling. Solas sat and wondered how much he could share with her; but that thought was secondary. 

What was beginning to consume his thoughts and his mind was this:  _Will she let me in?_


	7. Cullen Rutherford: Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Banreas returns to Haven after a short stint in the Hinterlands. Panic sets in when she arrives at Haven and she soon understands why. She misses the routines she had at the Circle and the sense of direction. Too much has been placed on her shoulders and the weight of her responsibilities hits her hard. 
> 
> It has been said she is wise beyond her years but she struggles with the most basic things; and that includes forming relationships with people. She finds an unexpected comfort in a person she didn't expect; and that person is Cullen Rutherford. She realizes that they share something in common; a pain and trauma that few people experience.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *** I can’t stress it enough that this story is SUPER canon-divergent. It says it in the tags and it says it the series notes. This where things really start to diverge. People seem to get a little confused!
> 
> In case it hasn't been clear, Banreas is suffering from some serious PTSD and anxiety. The routines of the Circle and the familiar faces around her had been like therapy and now she has none of those things.  
> I guess some of my experiences have spilled into some of the writing; I know some of this can trigger people so it's just a warning. 
> 
> I've always sympathized with Cullen's character for the things he's been through and this idea popped in my head and I haven't been able to shake it since! Hope you guys enjoy.

Banreas and her companions stayed in the Hinterlands for five more days. She sealed the rift to the north of Dennet's farm, they scoured the hillside to rid the area of wolves, and they established several watchtowers in the surrounding area. 

Despite constantly being on the move and the permanent exhaustion, Banreas truly enjoyed traveling and roaming the countryside. It was a freedom she never dreamed she could have. Life at the Orzammar Circle had not been unpleasant, there was just  _a lot_ of stone and  _a lot_  of dwarfs. She had rarely traveled outside of Orzammar and when she did she always needed an escort. The mage-Templar war had finally reached Orzammar and rogue Templars had been spotted in the area. She remembered how protective the Templars had become; especially Carlisle. 

Before arriving at the Circle, Banreas had constantly been on the move. She had traveled all over Thedas but she had never enjoyed it and none of it had been her choice... But now, this was different. If she had her way she would have dallied in the Hinterlands for another five days. They had explored several caves and found treasures long thought forgotten and they had come across several strange orbs that Solas claimed were elvhen; he took some back to camp to study. 

She went horseback riding for the first time in years; Dennet's daughter had challenged her to a race around the farm one day. The feel of the wind through her hair, the blood rushing in her veins... it brought a smile to her face, the likes of which her companions had never seen. When she won the race she laughed exuberantly and she remembered the look on Solas' face when she dismounted from Nehna; his eyes twinkled and he smiled from ear to ear. 

She had also begun a constant correspondence with Cullen, Leliana, and Josephine. They had finally established a few Inquisition camps around the area and she often found letters waiting for her at camp. Leliana began inquiring when they would all journey to Val Royeaux, Josephine said she had matters of the  _utmost_ importance to discuss, and Cullen was ever practical. Banreas had recently spotted quite a few abandoned logging stands and quarries and she had asked Cullen if the Inquisition would benefit from claiming them. Before Banreas left the Hinterlands, she received a response from Cullen: 

_Herald,_

_Since you began conscripting refugees in the Hinterlands, we have been scrambling to make room for them in Haven. We will need to make more housing for the influx of people into the town. The logging stands and quarries will be invaluable resources. Many of the refugees have pledged themselves to the Inquisition; I will send some of our newly conscripted soldiers to claim them._

_As for soldiers for the watchtowers; have you thought of asking the King to get off his ass and defend his people? The Inquisition is too small to be spread so thin._

_Perhaps I'll ask Josie to tell the King: "Your Highness, your constituents need you" or something of that nature._

_Cullen,_

Banreas snorted at his letter.  _I have not conscripted anyone! What is he talking about?_ she pondered as she folded up the letter and placed it in her side pouch. Banreas began keeping all the letters addressed to her; she liked that people wrote to her, even if it was for something small. Banreas would speak to Cullen when she returned to Haven;  _I don't go around conscripting people..._ Banreas announced to her party that she thought they should head back to Haven and then make their way to Val Royeaux. Cassandra didn't question her, no one did. Dennet said goodbye to his family and he readied ten of his best stallions and mares to bring back to Haven.

As Banreas mounted on Nehna, her companions gathered around her on their steeds. Banreas sat petting Nehna's mane when she realized everyone was waiting on her to led the way. Flabbergasted, Banreas looked at Cassandra who only looked at her expectantly. Somewhere along the way, Cassandra had stopped barking orders or giving Banreas instructions. The past few days Cassandra had instead been asking Banreas for advice or asking her what she wanted to do next. Banreas wasn't sure why or how things had changed but she hoped it meant that Cassandra trusted her. 

* * *

 She could not explain why; but when Banreas arrived at Haven she became nervous and the euphoria of freedom quickly disappeared. Perhaps she spent too much time in the Hinterlands; Haven still felt foreign to her. Word of her exploits in the Hinterlands must have spread to Haven because people began to flock at the gates; their eyes filled with amazement. Not only did Banreas not like the attention, but she felt she didn't deserve it. The crowd got bigger as she dismounted from Nehna and her companions gathered around her. 

Her lips turned down and her palms became sweaty. There were too many eyes on her and she wanted to escape. Banreas fingered the beads of her necklace; her sweaty fingers sliding up and down the beads trying to find a comfortable position. She couldn't find one. She felt the panic grip her heart and cloud her mind.  _What is wrong with me? Wasn't I happy? I've been normal, haven't I?_ she thought in agony. The light that had started to fill her eyes left as she steeled herself. She stood tall, crossed her arms behind her back and marched forward into the town. She retreated into herself; somewhere familiar, somewhere dark... 

"Lethal'lan, are you alright?" Solas asked in a hushed voice. His hand came to rest at her elbow and his face was filled with worry.  _Lethal'lan? Why does he call me that? We aren't friends..._ she thought darkly. It took all she had not to ruin the small steps towards friendship she had taken with the man. It took all she had not to jerk her arm away from him. Instead, she tried to void her mind of emotion entirely; it was a skill she had learned long ago...

"I am fine, Solas. Thank you. Just tired," she lied with a small smile; she could be quite good at lying when she needed to be. It worked. Solas smiled warmly at her and nodded in agreement. 

Banreas acknowledged that her mood swings were unpredictable and her thoughts were manic at times and she struggled to understand why she seemed to have so little control over it. She remembered when she was first brought to the Circle that she behaved similarly; her future was so uncertain then. It took a year before she realized that she truly had been given a second chance at life and the people around her were there to protect her. The Circle gave her routine, and familiar, kind faces. 

But now her life had been turned upside down; she never knew what to expect and the responsibility that now weighed on her shoulders made her feel like she was drowning. 

"Ah, Herald. There you are; it is good you've returned, Josie has been in a tizzy waiting for you," that light, commanding voice; the Ferelden accent. It was Commander Cullen. Banreas let out a breath of air she hadn't known she was holding in. 

From the moment she set eyes on Commander Cullen he enveloped her in a sense of safety and relief. As he walked toward her with a small lopsided grin, she was beginning to think he reminded her of someone she once knew. When he stopped in front of her his amber eyes were welcoming and his hand came to rest on the hilt of his sword. He nodded at them all. 

"A lot has transpired since you all left. We should debrief," he said as he looked at them. Banreas could feel the tension around her. She happened to look down at Varric who looked like he was about to protest, then she looked at Cassandra who closed her eyes and sighed. Banreas felt guilty, she had set an unrelenting pace during their time in the Hinterlands; she felt she had a lot to prove. 

"You're right Commander," she said trying to keep her tone light. She looked at her companions and continued, "You all should get some rest, I don't mind debriefing with them,"

"You sure Firecracker? I think Curly over there really missed me. I don't mind staying," Varric said playfully. Cassandra made a disgusted sound and Solas rolled his eyes. Varric had switched to calling her Firecracker for the past two days; all it took was one blast of fire... She took one look at the dwarf and shook her head; he was an expert at pissing people off. 

"You're welcome to come along although your presence isn't required," Cullen said dryly, eyes narrowing at Varric. 

"Not required? Then what am I here for? Penta- _gasp,_ I've got a few words for you," Varric said as he crossed his arms and turned on Cassandra. Varric told her how Cassandra  _convinced_ him to join the Inquisition. Banreas knew Varric was only joking around with the woman, but Cassandra didn't.

" _What did you just call me?!"_ Cassandra fumed. Solas' eyes widened as he nodded at Banreas and fled from Cassandra's wrath. 

"Oh dear," Banreas said under her breath. She was sure that Varric would soon meet an untimely death. 

"Uh, Herald..." Cullen began to back away but proffered his arm up for her to take. She back peddled toward him, quickly took his arm and he swiftly led her away. Banreas could hear a slew of profanities behind her and she couldn't help but giggle. Cullen looked down at her and chuckled lightly, shaking his head. She looked at her hands that rested at his elbow and she was a little surprised with herself. 

She had no qualms with touching Cullen. Cullen was a true gentleman and he exuded an air of gentleness and kindness. She barely knew him and yet...  _who does he remind me of?_ The familiarity was beginning to bother her. Until she could figure it out, she decided she shouldn't be so bold as to assume that this was okay. She straightened up and crossed her arms behind her back. Dejected, Cullen looked away and rubbed the back of his head and settled for resting his hand on his sword. She must certainly come across as rude; this had been the second time she had done this to him. 

"So, uh... Herald. How was the journey back to Haven? I trust you had no troubles on your way back?" he inquired, keeping his voice formal. 

"No troubles at all, thank you Commander," she responded.   
  
"I'm not Cullen any more then?" he asked. He seemed even more dejected than before. Banreas blanched and she tried to backtrack. 

"I.. uh... I just thought that, you know- you're the Commander of the Inquisition. I should address you as such, right? You call me Herald, you don't call me by my name," she said in distress. Cullen blushed a deep crimson. 

"I - uh, I suppose you're right. I hope I have not offended you," he stammered. 

"No offense taken. You can call me Herald and I'll refer to you as Commander," she hoped that she salvaged whatever relationship she had with the man. She supposed she would have to wait to find out; they had reached the Chantry and entered the conference room where Leliana and Josephine sat waiting. 

* * *

 Banreas took out her notebook and went over the notes she had taken. When she was finished going over the events from the last week and a half, Leliana, Josephine, and Cullen overloaded her with information. Leliana seemed eager for Banreas to depart to Val Royeaux and she had troubling news; she reported that it seemed all of the Grey Wardens in Ferelden had gone missing. Banreas chewed on her bottom lip; now  _that_ worried her. The Grey Wardens were renown even among the Dalish; to hear that they had disappeared... 

Banreas jotted down the last known location of a Grey Warden in the Hinterlands; Leliana seemed to think the matter was important and Banreas agreed. Josephine had taken the liberty of scheduling several meetings for Banreas to meet a few Ferelden nobles and Banreas broke into a cold sweat.  _These were the matters of utmost importance? Creators, save me._ Josephine insisted they needed to start making allies and Banreas wondered why  _she_ had to be the one to meet with them. 

She continued to worry her bottom lip when she happened to look over at Cullen; he was watching her intently and his eyes were full of concern. 

"Are you sure you're alright? We can reconvene at a later time Herald," he said. Banreas shook her head, she could do this. Cullen proceeded with his report. Banreas watched him closely; the way he paced to and fro, his soft voice and his mannerisms... Suddenly it hit her:  _He reminds me of Carlisle._ The revelation brought a wave of grief and an onslaught of memories. 

All those years ago when she arrived at the Chantry outside of Orzammar she was frightened and terrified that she and the  _others_ would be turned away, but the Chantry took them in. When they realized what she was and what she had done, some of the Templars descended on her and she was certain she would be killed. But Carlisle intervened; he stood in front of her protecting her from the wrath of the other Templars and he volunteered to take her to the Circle himself. He swore to the others that the Circle could help her and that she could be made safe. He took her to the Orzammar Circle and never left; he stayed by her side. 

Carlisle was sweet and kind; he was her guardian and he believed in her. That is who Cullen reminded her of. Banreas watched Cullen speak, she absorbed nothing of what he was saying and simply stared at him; she had so many questions. 

When they all finished with their reports, Banreas did not move and instead sat down in one of the chairs in the conference room. The other two had left the room but she sat watching Cullen gather his papers. 

"Commander, do you have a moment?" Banreas was not sure what she hoped to gain by asking him to stay but she was dying to speak with him; she had felt so unsettled and distraught when she arrived back at Haven that she desperately searched for something or  _someone_ to ground her. 

"Yes, of course my lady Herald. Is something wrong?" Cullen asked as he claimed a chair beside her. Banreas opened and closed her mouth; she didn't know where to start. Cullen was patient as she finally settled on a question to ask him. 

"You have been so kind to me since the events at the Conclave, why do you trust me?" she asked abashedly. Cullen's lips parted and he looked hurt.

"My lady, I thought I apologized for my actions..." he said. Banreas held up her hands and shook her head. 

"I don't want any more apologies; I just want to know how it is you came to trust me so quickly," Banreas responded. Truly,  _no one_ had any reason to trust her. Cullen stroked his chin before rubbing the back of his head. 

"Truth be told my lady, I have never met a mage like you. I don't get the sense that there is an ulterior motive behind your actions or your words. I believe you when you say that you will help in any way you can and your actions show it. Honestly, I wish more mages were like you... perhaps if that were the case we wouldn't be in the mess we find ourselves in," he said frankly.

Banreas stared at him in awe and a wave of guilt washed over her.  _If only he knew. I am the embodiment of what all Templars fear,_ she thought. She agonized over what to do next; she shouldn't encourage his trust, she could only disappoint him. But here he was, so open with her...

"I wish more Templars were like you. Actually, you remind me of a Templar I knew," she mumbled while looking down at her hands. 

"Oh, really? What was their name?" he asked and she could hear a smile on his lips. She looked up at him. 

"Carlisle," she said with a hint of pain in her voice. Cullen's eyes widened in recognition. 

"Carlisle? Carlisle Weiss?" he asked hesitantly. Banreas blinked quickly and she leaned forward in her chair toward Cullen. 

"Yes! Carlisle was stationed at Orzammar! He came with us to the Conclave. You know him?" she asked excitedly; it comforted her to know that she had something in common with Cullen. 

"Maker's breath, of course I know him. We grew up together in Honnleath. We were both assigned to the Circle at Kinloch Hold; after all that happened there, I thought he left the order..." he said softly, almost to himself. His gaze suddenly hardened and he looked like he was far away. Banreas sucked in her lips and she reached a hand out to Cullen but quickly brought it back down. Carlisle had told her what happened at Kinloch Hold. He told her  _everything._ If Cullen was there when Carlisle was, she knew of the horrors he saw. 

"I... Cullen?" she tried to think of a way to bring him out of whatever memory he was thinking of. "He was a good man, Cullen. He helped me so much, I wish I could explain it to you," she desperately wanted Cullen to understand. Now that she was talking about him, she found she truly missed Carlisle. "No wonder you reminded me of him," she said sweetly. 

Cullen finally looked up at her and their eyes met; she caught the anguish in his eyes before his eyes softened. "He was at the Conclave you say?" he asked and Banreas nodded. "It is good you told me. I can notify his family," he said with a curt nod. 

Banreas began to tear up and she tried to stifle it.  _Purge your emotions, you're fine._ She succeeded but not before a tear escaped and ran down her cheek. Cullen reached up and one gloved hand wiped the tear away; the leather ghosted across her skin ever so softly. 

"After all that happened at Kinloch Hold; for him to stay at Orzammar, for him to come to the Conclave with you, that meant he trusted you implicitly. That's all I need to know; all the more reason to place my faith in you," Cullen said. 

For a moment they just stared at one another. Carlisle told her about the torture he endured at Kinloch, she never knew someone else was there with him. Banreas could only imagine the horrors Cullen had endured.  _If only I could tell him that I understand. If only I could tell him what I've seen._ If only she could tell him of the pain they shared but, of course she couldn't; it was a burden she would have to carry alone. She used her eyes to tell him she understood. His eyes searched hers for a moment before he finally gave her that lopsided grin that caused the scar over his lip to stretch.  

"Well, Herald. You have sometime before our Ambassador comes for you. Would you like to come meet some of the refugees you conscripted?" he asked in amusement as he got up. Banreas stood and narrowed her eyes at Cullen. 

"Yes, about that: I conscripted  _no one!"_ she said defensively as they walked out together. As she walked with him she found she felt a little lighter; she knew the feeling might not last forever but she was determined to hold on to it for as long as she could. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love me some Cullen! Part 2 will come along later in the series.


	8. Memories and an Early Morning Shared with Cullen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Banreas wakes up after dreaming of a terrifying event from her past. She joins Cullen at the training grounds and she encourages Cullen to explore his feelings for a certain someone. 
> 
> This is a short chapter; just a small, important filler for the last chapter. Things will pick up after this, I promise. Enjoy!

_Banreas was having a hard time breathing; she took short, raspy breaths that clenched her lungs. She began to stumble as she walked and Reed came over to keep her on her feet. She looked over at him; he was such a sweet boy, just a few years away from manhood, and he was clearly terrified._

_'Keep going,' she told herself. She had to lead them all to safety. They had all made it out alive, there were twenty of them; men, women, and children. They had been running non stop for fear of being followed. Banreas had an ugly wound in her shoulder that she was sure had become infected; the infection had clearly spread to her lungs. Banreas had exhausted all of her mana and had not given herself time to recuperate; she couldn't heal herself._

_'It doesn't matter, keep going,' she told herself again. If she didn't get them all to safety, then everything she had done would have been for nothing._

**_"You mean what we have done?"_ ** _that horrible, retched voice... it scratched on the inside of her head. She willed the voice to shut up, she didn't want to think about what they had done._

_"Sister, how much farther?" Reed asked her, she could hear the fear in his voice. Reed was a human but she had known him since he was seven years old; he had taken to calling her his sister. Banreas stopped walking and took in her surroundings, everyone else stopped too; they huddled around her waiting._

_They passed the Imperial Highway hours ago, she knew they had to be close. She was taking them to a Chantry just a few miles away from Orzammar. She prayed that they would actually be taken in._

_"Just... a little longer, brother," she croaked. Night had fallen and she needed to press on; they were counting on her. Another hour or so passed and Banreas was leaning on Reed heavily when he shook her excitedly._

_"Sister, is that it?!" he asked eagerly. Banreas hadn't realized she had closed her eyes. She opened them and looked in the direction he was pointing. She nodded at him and she could hear everyone around her sigh in relief. She didn't know how she did it but she began to run and the others followed behind her. They ran up the Chantry steps and she stopped when the doors opened. A cleric walked out with an oil lamp and screamed at the sight of them. What a sight they all must have been; tattered clothes, grimy faces, bruises and scratches. And Banreas covered in blood._

_"Oh, Maker! Oh, dear! What is wrong? What happened?!" the poor old man screamed. More people came outside._

_A lot happened then. They were ushered inside, clerics and Chantry Sisters huddled around them, food and water was being passed around. Banreas collapsed on the stone floor, she was struggling to keep her eyes open. She heard talking, lots of talking; someone was telling a cleric about what had happened._

_And then yelling. Feet running. She managed to open her eyes and looked around her and a Templar stood over her, shouting at her companions._

_"This mage did what?! And you brought her HERE?!" the Templar bellowed. She could hear swords being unsheathed... horror gripped her heart as she tried to get up and back away._

_"No! Please, just help them. I only wanted to help them..." Banreas said in dismay. The Templar kept coming at her, and then another Templar appeared herding her companions back. 'I'm going to die,' she thought._

_Suddenly another Templar stepped in front of her, blocking the other Templar's path. This one was different, his stance was not aggressive._

_"STOP, just wait Ryan! She saved these people! I'll take her away, I'll take her to the Circle," he screamed._

_"Carlisle, what Circle? The Circles have fallen!" Ryan shouted._

_"The one at Orzammar. It still stands; I've heard good things, just please... Let me take her. Just help these people and I'll take her. Okay?" Carlisle pleaded._

_"Maker, Damn it! Fine, but get her out now, before the others come," Ryan warned. Suddenly, Banreas was picked up and Carlisle cradled her to his chest, then she finally got to see Carlisle's face. He had honey eyes that matched his hair. All she could focus on were his eyes._

_"We have to go now, okay?" Carlisle whispered to her. His breath even smelled like honey. She managed to nod and then he was moving._

_"No! No! Where are you taking her?!" it sounded like Reed. Several of her companions shouted and began to cry. After all they had been through, they were going to be separated. Carlisle carried her out of the Chantry; before the doors closed she could hear Reed crying. She began to weep._

_"It's going to be okay. I promise," Carlisle murmured. "I'll make sure you're okay,"_

* * *

Banreas jumped up from her bedroll and it took her a moment before she remembered where she was. She was back at Haven and she was in her tent. Banreas groaned into her hands; she could see the early morning light pouring through a small crack in the tent flaps. The night she arrived at the Chantry outside of Orzammar; she dreamed of that night often and with perfect recall. She supposed her talk with Cullen the day before brought the memory to the forefront of her mind. 

Resigned, Banreas got up with the intention of heading for the Chantry washroom. She stepped out of her tent and stretched; she could hear Varric's ruckus noise of a snore nearby. Her ear's twitched; she could hear Cullen yelling all the way from her tent.  _What is he yelling about so early in the morning?_ she wondered. Curious, Banreas followed the sound of Cullen's voice out to the soldier's barracks. 

She found a large group of soldiers training with one another; the clang of swords meeting shields echoed across the open field. She saw Cullen walking among the soldiers shouting and correcting them. He passed by one recruit who had his shield too low; he walked straight up to the young man, grabbed his shield from him and demonstrated the proper form. When he was done, he tossed the shield back at the man shaking his head. 

Banreas crossed her arms over her chest to hide the fact that she wasn't wearing a corset and she approached Cullen slowly. He had stopped to lean on the walls of the barrack, arms crossed in front of his chest and he was surveying the troops. His eyes glossed over her and he quickly did a double take. He pushed himself off the wall and uncrossed his arms. 

"Maker's breath, aren't you cold? Here," Cullen said as he began unclasping the furs that adorned his shoulders. Banreas shook her head and her curls whipped across her face.  _Oh, shoot. I didn't tie my hair,_ she felt embarrassed that she walked out into the field in such a state. 

"No, I'll be okay Commander, I was going to head to the washroom but I could hear you shouting. I came to see what you were up to," she said. Cullen heaved his shoulders up and took off his furs. He walked to her side and placed it over her shoulders and then stepped back. She gratefully pulled the furs across her chest and inhaled deeply; it smelt of the hearth. 

"Thank you," she said softly. He smirked at her and continued to analyze his troops; his brow furrowed in deep concentration. As she stared at him she desperately wished Carlisle were present; she would have loved to see the two of them together. 

"Do the troops always train at this time?" she asked as she stared at the recruits.

"Yes, why?" 

"I would like to join them," perhaps the exercise would do her some good; push the nightmares out of her mind. Cullen raised his eyebrows at her. 

"Now?" he asked in surprise; he eyed her up and down and she felt herself blush. 

"Not now, silly goose. I have to get ready for our journey to Val Royeaux, we leave in a few hours. But next time, I would like to join them," she said with a strong determined voice. 

"Silly goose, eh?" he chuckled to himself. They stood next to each other in comfortable silence for a few moments when Cassandra passed by them to go train with a practice dummy. As Cassandra passed by, Banreas caught Cullen follow her with his eyes. The look of longing and sadness didn't escape Banreas' notice. Banreas' mouth twitched as she began to sway side to side. 

"You know Commander, nothing will happen unless you talk to her," she said slyly. Cullen looked back at Banreas and the tips of his ears turned red. 

"I... What are you... I mean, I already have," he stammered. Banreas' lips pursed and she was trying  _very_ hard not to smile. 

"Well then, what was with the look?" she asked, a coy smile had spread across her face. 

"Well, we just... I don't know. She approached me back at Kirkwall asking me to join the Inquisition and... things just happened so fast. She was the Divine's right hand and I suppose duty got in the way," he said longingly. Banreas stepped right in front of him and stared him in the eye. 

"The Divine is gone and she isn't the Divine's right hand anymore. You are both fighting for the same cause. What is stopping you now?" she asked intensely. She rarely ever spoke so boldly, but she had warmed to Cullen after their talk the day before. Cullen stared at her, struck with this new revelation. 

"I suppose you're right. Nothing is really standing in the way, is there?" he mused, almost as if he was talking to himself. Banreas shook her head at him and removed his furs from her shoulders and handed it to him. 

"I hope you address that promptly, Commander. We leave in a few hours, remember? If not, you'll have to wait for a few weeks..." Banreas held his furs out on one finger with her head tilted in Cassandra's direction suggestively. She truly liked Cullen and she felt comfortable around him, she hoped he could find some happiness in all this mess. She raised one brow at him. "Well... go," she said. 

Cullen's face changed; he looked determined. He grabbed his furs and put them back around his shoulders. Banreas watched him walk off after Cassandra. Banreas crossed her arms over her chest and thought of the look she had seen in Cullen's eyes. 

 _Have I seen that before?_ she questioned herself.  _No, of course I haven't._

She hugged herself tightly as she turned her eyes to the ground and walked away. 

 


	9. A Mistake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A month after her journey to Val Royeaux, Banreas returns to Haven without Chantry support but gains three new allies; Sera, Vivienne, and Blackwall.  
> After what she considers a failed mission, Banreas tries to keep her head low and let others figure out what to do next. 
> 
> She decides to travel with Solas to the Hinterlands to investigate a strange rift; alone. She soon realizes that she has made a mistake as there will be no escaping the mysterious elf and all of his questions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ek! It's been a while! I recently moved and writing was the last thing on my mind, but now I'm all settled in. Now school is out which means I'll be working less and hopefully I can write more consistently. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

“ _Aye,_ lay off of that elven shite, yeah?” Sera complained.

Banreas sat cross-legged on the ground of their room with a map of Ferelden and Orlais sprawled out in front of her. She had been working with Solas to locate the elven orbs they had found around Thedas and activate them. They had successfully activated several artifacts and it was discovered that they served to strengthen the Veil. Recently, Inquisition mages had been sent to measure the strength of the Veil. Banreas was looking at the strength of the Veil surrounding each artifact and she was circling areas of interests and making notes of the patterns she was noticing.

Unbeknownst to Banreas, Sera had marched up from behind, bent down over her and Sera’s face appeared upside down in front of Banreas; Sera’s nose was crinkled in disgust.

“What has Mister Elfy pants gotten you stuck on?!” Sera asked. Abruptly, Sera reached down and grabbed the map from Banreas and snickered away. Banreas shot up to glare at the elf and then her mouth fell open; Sera was wearing yellow and red argyle pants but wore _nothing_ above the waist. Sera’s breasts were perked, and she stood with one hand on her hip and her other hand held the map upside down.

“ _Pbbth!_ ” spat Sera as she tossed the map behind her and continued to get dressed. While Cullen would say Banreas _conscripted_ Sera, Sera had asked to join. During their travel to Val Royeaux, which Banreas thought was a resounding failure, Banreas had followed a trail of clues that led her to a nobleman that Sera promptly put an arrow through.

Although Banreas initially had a hard time understanding Sera’s round-about way of speaking; she gathered that the elf had her own network of spies and was offering herself and their services to the Inquisition. Utterly bewildered, Banreas had said yes; much to Cassandra’s dismay. A month later, when they finally traveled back to Haven, Sera quickly realized that Banreas was sleeping in a tent. When Banreas set off to debrief with Cullen, Leliana and Josephine, Sera had moved all of Banreas’ belongings into her room at the Singing Maiden.

That was three days ago. Even with all her quirks, Banreas was glad to be sharing a room with Sera. Banreas wasn’t used to sleeping alone. In the Circle, she shared a room with two others and she generally felt more secure that way.

Banreas stuck her chin out and her lips turned down. “Sera, can I please have it back? I’m going to take it back to Solas anyway,” Banreas pleaded as she held her hand out. Sera finally had a corset on as she turned to Banreas with a scowl.

“Poutin’ like that ain’t fair, Herald of _Whateva,_ ” Sera said haughtily. Banreas’ mouth twitch as she fought a smile; despite her protest Sera picked up the map and held it out for her. Banreas reached for it but Sera snatched it away again and crinkled her nose.

“ _C’mon!_ Smile a little!” she said. Banreas thought Sera was quite cute. She had a button nose, grey eyes, and full pink lips. Her short blonde hair made her ears stick out.

Banreas forced a smile for her.

“Gross! So stupid!” Sera shook her head and handed the map over to Banreas. As Banreas walked out of their room and downstairs into the tavern, she smiled in earnest.

Banreas wasn’t sure why Sera had elected to move her into her room. Banreas thought that she was the exact opposite of Sera. Banreas was quiet, reserved, and she was terrified she would wake Sera with her nightmares. Sera on the other hand was carefree, cheeky, and quick to anger. Sera certainly spoke her mind much more than Banreas did and there was something about the way she carried herself. She exuded an air of confidence that Banreas both envied and admired.

* * *

Much had happened in one month. Banreas and her companions had traveled to Val Royeaux and Banreas was deeply disappointed that things had gone so badly; the Templars left Val Royeaux with the Lord Seeker of the Seekers of Truth who refused to help the Inquisition, the Grand Enchanter of the rebel mages asked them to come to Redcliff Castle, and of course there was Sera…

They had also been invited to a party by a Vivienne de Fer, personal enchanter and adviser to Empress Celene. Banreas and her companions attended the ball in full armor which earned them quite a few gasps of horror. Banreas shocked everyone when she greeted Vivienne with a perfect Orlesian curtsey; Vivienne had been thrilled. There were many things that Banreas knew, and playing the Game was one of them. It seemed like a lifetime ago, but she had been _instructed_ to play the part well.

Vivienne was delighted to hear that Banreas held a favorable opinion of the Circle and pledged herself to the Inquisition. On their journey back to Ferelden, Banreas insisted in locating the Grey Warden that Leliana had mentioned. Once they found him, she had to admit that she did _conscript_ him. His name was Blackwall and he seemed determined, strong and honorable.

When they arrived back at Haven with Sera, Vivienne and Blackwall in tow, Cullen only raised his eyebrows at her. When Banreas met with Cullen, Leliana and Josephine she felt as if she had let everyone down; they had asked her to appeal to the Chantry for support and she failed, miserably. Since then she tried keeping herself busy with trivial tasks and she desperately wished that the Inquisition would continue to work without her.

Banreas left the Tavern and headed for the apothecary. Solas had taken up lodging in the second story of the building which confounded Banreas; the two men clearly did not like each other. As she entered the building Adan turned to her and gave her a small nod; he had stopped grunting at her after she delivered a large bundle of elfroot.

She climbed the stairs up to the second floor and stopped when she reached the door at the end of the hall. She lifted her left hand up to knock on the door when it abruptly flew open and Solas stood in the doorway with his nose buried in a book.  

“Oh! I- I am sorry! I just wanted to… here,” she stammered as she handed over the map to Solas. His eyes flew up and flitted across her face. He closed his book and side stepped as he opened the door wider. Banreas was stuck; she stood with her arm stretched out, map in hand. She wanted him to just take the map, but he didn’t; he waited. Banreas gritted her teeth as she crossed her arms behind her back and stepped into his room. The room was clean and organized; there was a small bed and a desk covered with notes and books. Instead of looking at him, Banreas focused on his ornate staff that was propped up against the wall.

“Hello. I was just coming to look for you. I have a feeling you were coming to speak to me about the same thing,” he said with a grin. Her fingers began to tingle, and her blood rushed to her head; she desperately clutched the map in her hands.

“I reviewed the calculations from the elven artifacts we investigated. I just… I circled the areas that maybe something could… happen. You know…” she said softly. Her sentenced trailed as she watched Solas’ grin grow wider.

“Yes, I do know. I was coming to inform you of a location of interest in the Hinterlands. There is a very large rift that has not yet opened. I believe we should investigate,” he replied, his head tilted to the side.

 _“We” he said. Does that mean just he and I?_ she wondered. Banreas chewed on her bottom lip as she tried to decipher the meaning behind his simple words.

“Yes, we can do that. I can go and ask Cassandra or Blackwall if they are willing to come along,” she said with a nod. Solas’ brow furrowed, and his full lips turned down.

“I believe that is unnecessary. There is a heavy Inquisition presence in the Hinterlands now and I doubt we would run into much trouble. This shouldn’t be anything that you and I can’t handle. You are quite skilled after all,” he stared at her intensely. Banreas’ lips parted just a bit as she nodded and held the map out once again. Solas took the map from her grasp, his fingers brushing across the back of her hand. She shivered at his touch.

“Alright then. I should go ask the others if it is okay for us to depart,” she said with a slight smile. Her smile soon faltered when she saw Solas’ frown intensify.

“I do not see why you need to ask. You are free to come and go as you please. All that is needed is that you tell them where we are going,” he said seriously. Banreas tilted her head as she analyzed his expression; he seemed to be upset. She opened her mouth to speak but did not know what to say so she shut it. They sat in silence for a moment.

“I… well, I think I will ask just to be sure. Should we meet at the gates in an hour?” she asked without looking up at him. He took a moment to answer, forcing Banreas to look up at him. He had a grave look on his face and his blue eyes were piercing.

“As you wish,” he said flatly. _Yes, he’s angry. But why?_ she pondered. Confused, she quickly turned heel and left the apothecary for the Chantry.

* * *

She walked hurriedly toward the Chantry, mulling over the conversation she just had. _How did I anger him? Because I wanted to ask permission to leave? Why would that anger him?_ She truly didn’t understand what was wrong with her asking so she tried to drive the thoughts from her mind.

She made her way into the Chantry and headed for Josephine’s office. She peeked in the woman’s room and found it empty. She decided to try and find Leliana in her room down the hall but that too was empty. Puzzled, Banreas headed for the main conference room that she usually debriefed in. She found Cullen with his back turned to her, pouring over notes and signing pieces of parchment and he did not notice or acknowledge that someone entered the room. She approached him on the right, her arms crossed behind her back.

“Commander, I have a question for you,” she asked softly so she didn’t frighten him.

“Hmm?” he hummed without looking up. He placed his right hand at the small of her back in acknowledgment.

Banreas inhaled sharply at the gesture and she looked down at his arm. It was intimate and personal; it was a gesture she felt she had yet to earn. She looked up at Cullen who seemed to be completely at ease and unaware of her discomfort. She stood there dumbstruck, unable to decide if she should step away and risk hurting his feelings once again or to stay still. Cullen finally looked up from his work and looked down at her, his amber eyes soft.

“Yes, Herald?” he asked as he raised his eyebrows. Banreas’ eyes had been drawn to his lips and she finally met his gaze. _Pull it together._

“I- yes. I wanted to ask if it would be alright if Solas and I investigated a lead in the Hinterlands. It concerns the elven artifacts we have been finding. It should only take a few days,” she managed to blurt out. Cullen turned to face her, and he crossed his arms.

“Of course, that’s alright. I trust that you’ve made a decision on who to appeal to for help then?” he asked. He was speaking of making a choice on either approaching the Templars or meeting with the Grand Enchanter. _Does he want me to decide before I leave?_ Banreas clenched her teeth.

“I-uh, no. I have not. I am sure that Cassandra or Leliana can come up with a solution,” she said unsure of herself. Cullen’s mouth popped open as he uncrossed his arms.

“Herald, I think not. You are the one with the mark, you are the one that the people wish to speak to,” he implored. Banreas balled her fists and her ears became hot.

“Well, can it wait? I don’t really want to think about it right now,” she said as she looked at the ground, jaw tight.

“I suppose so. Well, who will be going with you on this trip then, besides Solas? Cassandra?” he asked suggestively. He and Cassandra had finally begun seeing each other again and Banreas knew he felt much more comfortable with her abilities as a warrior over anyone else.

“Just Solas and I. It should be fine, truly! There are Inquisition soldiers and camps everywhere in the Hinterlands. We will stop at a camp if need be,” she said with a smile. A flash of anger swept across Cullen’s face.

“Now that I _don’t_ agree with. What if something were to happen? What if you aren’t near an Inquisition outpost? What then? Two apostates roaming the countryside alone is not a good idea,” his amber eyes burned in frustration. She placed a hand at his elbow and tried to soften her expression.

“Cullen really, I’ll be okay. I won’t let anything happen to this,” she said as she wiggled her left hand in front of his face, the mark glowing a sickly green. Cullen looked down at her hand as he reached up to grab it and pulled it down.

“I am not worried about _this_ ,” he said as she squeezed her left hand tighter. “I am concerned about your safety,” he said as he released her hand. Banreas sighed.

“I will stay safe. I promise,” she kicked herself internally; she could never promise something like that and she could see from Cullen’s expression that he was thinking the same thing. He inhaled deeply and slowly let out a puff of air.

“Okay,” he said in resignation.

“Okay… I’ll return shortly,” she smiled trying to pacify him. He nodded in response. Before he could find another reason to contest her, Banreas fled the Chantry.

* * *

Thanks to Master Dennet, the Inquisition had more than enough horses to go around and Banreas and Solas each took their own mount. Banreas of course requested to take Nehna, she was very fond of the mare and rejected taking a faster horse.

Riding horseback, the two of them covered a lot of ground and they reached the Hinterlands by nightfall. Their journey had been quiet and peaceful, she let her thoughts wander and take in the scenery.

They had bypassed the main Inquisition camp and headed for the East. Solas suggested that they camp out in the cave in which they had found their first elven artifact and Banreas agreed. They tied their horses up and Solas started a fire at the mouth of the cave.

It was not until she sat down opposite of him by the fire that she realized she had made a mistake: she should never have let him convince her to travel alone with him. She and Solas locked eyes as they sat by the fire, his gaze did not waver. There would be no escaping the questions she could see formulating on his lips. There would be no escape from his intense blue eyes…

Banreas chewed the inside of her cheek as she watched Solas stand up and make his way to sit beside her. He reached inside one of the bags closest to him and grabbed a loaf of bread and dried meat. He handed her some meat and broke off a chunk of bread for her. She accepted it silently. She tried to chew on her bread quietly, trying not to draw attention to herself.

She was also thinking of ways to dodge his questions. During their travels so far, her companions had indeed questioned her quite a bit: _“Where did you live before the Circle?” “Why did you join?” “Why did you join so late?”_ most of them were questions she could not answer, but no one had asked more questions than Solas. Her refusal to answer such inquiries only seemed to fuel his fire. As he turned to look at her now, the light from the fire warming his face, she could see he had not given up.

“So, lethal’lan. Are you still contemplating running away?” he asked with a sly smirk. Banreas winced, his suspicions were not unfounded. _Well, at least I can answer him._

“No. But to be honest, I _did_ seriously think about it. When we first traveled to find Mother Giselle, when we stopped to camp before we reached the Hinterlands… I really wanted to,” her voice trailed off as she lost herself in the fire before her.

“Hmm, yes. I saw it in your eyes; the apprehension. I still see it. Whatever it is that changed your mind, I am glad you stayed,” he said, his voice low and sweet. She nodded as she pulled her legs up to her chest and hugged them tight. Her mind was racing as she tried to find a way to distract him. A grin formed on her lips as an idea hit her.

“Solas, will you teach me to walk into the Fade as you do?” she asked enthusiastically as she sat up on her heels and turned to face him.  Solas’ eyes lit up and he smiled from ear to ear; it was unexpected and it took her breath away. Her eyes zeroed in on his smiling lips as she tried to fight the toothy grin that threatened to make an appearance.

“Yes, of course,” he said as he too sat up on his heels. “As with any magic, it is all about intent and your will. When you dream, you are willing a piece of yourself into the Fade,” his accent intensified in his eagerness; she couldn’t place it’s origin. He brought his hands up to the sides of her face where they hovered by her temples.

“Your thoughts and your feelings will effect your experience. They can attract spirits both benevolent and malicious. It is important that you clear your mind,” his hands finally touched the sides of her face and again she marveled at how rough they were, but his touch was tender.

She closed her eyes as she thought back to Cullen when he placed his hand on her back and now Solas with her face in his hands. She wanted to accept the gestures for what they were; friendly. There was no malice or coercion behind it. It was something she wasn’t used to, even now her body wanted to flee.

“Can you do it?” he whispered. Her eyes flew open.

“Do what?” she murmured. _Accept this?_  She asked herself as she tried to keep her face still in his hands.

“ _Clear your mind_ , lethal’lan,” he chuckled and it tickled her forehead. “When you lie down, focus on your surroundings. Perhaps hold onto something that you are familiar with, something to ground you. Like your rosary,” he looked down at the beads visible around her neck.

“If you want to wake up, you use your will and focus. Perhaps I will find you,” his eyes twinkled. Banreas hadn’t noticed she was staring with her mouth open and she instantly shut it.

Solas withdrew his hands from her face and got up to unpack his bedroll. Banreas sat dumbfounded. She wasn’t sure if she could clear her mind, nor was she certain that she could accept that the people around her were _friendly._

Before, her world had been small and predictable. It was that way before she even lived in the Circle. Now, her world had become so big that it overwhelmed her, and the people around her continued to surprise her with their kindness and their desire to _know_ her.

She wanted to be like everyone else. Open, proud, confident, and kind. Perhaps Sera just liked her and that’s why she moved her into her room. Perhaps Cullen considered her an equal and a comrade. Perhaps Solas wanted to be her friend. What if they all did?

Banreas mirrored Solas’ movements and unpacked her bedroll. As she laid down that night, she pulled out her necklace and clung to it. She would try and clear her mind.

And she would try to accept what the people around her were trying to offer.

 


	10. Everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Banreas attempts to consciously enter the Fade and she has difficulty accepting what she sees; she wonders if Carlisle felt more for her than what he let on. When she and Solas finally find the rift they were after, she immediately breaks her promise to Cullen about staying safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a long chapter. I started writing it and just couldn't stop. I hope you enjoy!

Banreas opened her eyes and found that her necklace was in her left hand; she instinctively clutched it tighter. She sat up and looked around her. _Didn’t I just go to sleep?_ she wondered. She walked out of the cave that she and Solas had set up camp in and took in her surroundings.

She opened her hand and looked down at her necklace and she remembered why she was holding it in the first place. _I am asleep. It worked then._ Solas told her that dreaming and walking in the Fade at will was very different.

“ _Clear your mind_ ,” he had said to her. As she stood at the cave’s entrance, she wasn’t sure how dreaming and the Fade were any different and she felt unsettled. She set off down the East Road wondering if she would find Solas nearby. She figured the man walked the Fade every night.

“Bee?” a voice called out. The voice was achingly familiar. Tears began to form in her eyes and she wasn’t sure why. She spun around, looking for the source of the voice. Her heart drummed in her chest; she knew that voice.

“Bee,” the voice said again as a man wrapped his arms around her waist and pressed his forehead to the back of her head.

“Oh…” she began to weep as she turned around and faced the man. Carlisle _._ She grabbed the man’s face in her hands.

“Carlisle!” she sobbed. She drunk in his honey eyes and his long hair that he kept in a ponytail. She ran her fingers over the scar that stretched over his right eye. She buried her face in his chest and wrapped her arms around him; he squeezed her tight.

“Hey there, Bee,” he said as he reached up and caressed both of her ears. She pounded her fists on his chest. _That stupid nickname!_ In private, Carlisle had called her Bee. Hearing him say it; it felt like being called home.

“How? Where have you been? I thought you were…”

“Dead? I’m sorry, but I am,” he said woefully. He pressed his forehead to hers and shook his head.

“I am so sorry. I couldn’t protect you, I failed,” she could hear the heartache in his voice. He used his face to caress hers. Banreas moaned and leaned into him. _Why is he here?_ She asked herself. She had been thinking of him so much lately… _My thoughts and my feelings; did they draw him here?_ she pondered as she recalled what Solas said to her before she fell asleep.

What she hadn’t remembered was _this_ ; Carlisle so freely touching and caressing her. She thought back to all their conversations and encounters. It had taken about two years before she allowed Carlisle to even hug her. Once she had allowed it, it had opened the door for other such gestures: him grabbing her hand and tracing the lines of her palm, using the back of his hand to stroke her cheek. But nothing like this…

“I never got a chance to tell you…” he murmured as he tilted her head up to his.

“Tell me what?” she choked as she tasted the tears that made their way into her mouth.

“That you were _everything_ to me,” he said as he kissed the tip of her nose and pressed his cheek to hers.

 _What? How could that be? That can’t be,_ she thought in disbelief. _What does he mean?_ True, he had been the only person at the Circle that she made an effort to get to know and he was the only person she let in, but… She shook her head in disbelief. 

“No. _Everything,_ I mean it Bee,” he brushed his lips against hers. “ _Everything,”_ he said with a sob.

“No! I am a monster. This isn’t right!” she screeched.

Anguish. Pain. Heartbreak.

Suddenly, she was ripped from his arms and she was taken away. She couldn’t tell who was pulling her and where she was being dragged to. And then she was tossed onto a stone floor and there were iron shackles around her wrists.

It was the prison she woke up in back at Haven. She realized she was still gripping her necklace in her hand. Her breathing quickened as she tried to remember how to wake herself up. _Solas. Where is Solas? He can help me wake up._

The door to her cell opened and she assumed it would be Cassandra and Leliana; just as it had been in the waking world. It wasn’t. A figure sauntered over to her and then squatted down in front of her. She looked up at the figure’s face and utter horror paralyzed her.

It was the face of the man that destroyed her life; the man that killed her clan. Duke Antoine. Banreas screamed as he reached to touch her face.

“I’ll find you; you know. I always do,” he said sickeningly. Banreas gripped the necklace in her hand so hard that her fingernails drew blood.

“NO!” she roared.

* * *

Banreas leaped out of her bedroll, her face covered with tears. She clung to her necklace, blood trickling down her hand from holding on to it too tight. Her eyes were wild as they tried to adjust to the dimly lit cave. She attempted to hide her sobs when she heard stirring on the other side of the fire. Solas.

Solas sat up and rubbed his face as he too adjusted to the darkness of the cave. He spotted her frozen in place with her hands covering her mouth. Solas shot up and ran to her and collected her in his arms.

“What is it? What is wrong Banreas? Are you alright?” he asked in distress. She began to shake, her hands still covering her mouth. He reached up and removed her hands from her mouth and then grabbed her face.

“Shhh, it’s okay. Tell me what happened,” he said soothingly. A calming energy surged through her body; he was using some sort of magic to soothe her.

“I- I did as you said. I tried to clear my mind. I _tried!_ It was fine, I understood what was happening and where I was, but then I was in a cell at Haven. I saw-" her voice was cut off and the air left her lungs. She couldn’t speak his name. She huffed in frustration.

“If you do not clear your mind, the spirits respond to your emotions and thoughts and reshape everything. I will not let you wander the Fade alone again. I am so sorry,” he said, his voice tinged with regret. He pressed her head onto his shoulder.

She realized the position they were in; their bodies flush up against each other. Her first instinct was to pull away from him. She took a step back to allow for some space between their bodies; but the magic he was using was relaxing, and he was warm. She quickly stepped toward him again and laid her head on his shoulder. He held her firmly.

She thought of Carlisle and the embrace they had shared in the Fade. _Was it really him?_ She wondered. Who or whatever it was, she loved the way the embrace felt. He was so tender. She felt the same way now; Solas was tender and sweet. Perhaps that was just the magic he was using. Whatever it was, she did not fight it.

* * *

Banreas did not go back to sleep that night, although she told Solas she would try. As soon as he fell back to sleep, Banreas got dressed and patrolled the campsite until dawn. Her mind was clouded with confusion and doubt, she struggled to come to terms with what she saw when she fell asleep that night.

Carlisle. He was wrong; what he said couldn’t have been right. _It wasn’t him; it couldn’t have been,_ she chanted to herself. As Solas had said, the spirits respond to feelings and thoughts; they must have taken Carlisle’s shape. Carlisle was just a good man, he protected her and helped make her safe. There couldn’t have been anything more, he had taken the vows of celibacy; he could never have seen her in that way… _Stop it! Thinking like this gets me nowhere,_ she chided herself.

She was sure about two things: First, that wasn’t Carlisle she saw and second… she never wanted to try that again. Her mood was somber when Solas woke at dawn. He approached her cautiously as he registered the fact that she was already dressed and ready to go.

“I take it you did not sleep,” he said, his eyes filled with worry. Banreas shook her head as she began to pack away her things and placed them on Nehna’s back. Solas did the same.

“I am sorry that happened last night, I won’t let that happen again. You _can_ have an enjoyable experience. Next time, I will make sure we do it together,” he said lightly. _There won’t be a next time,_ she thought darkly.

They set off toward Redcliffe Farms where the rift should be located. Banreas settled for trying to stay ahead of any questions Solas might ask. She slowed her mount to a light trot so that she could speak to the elf.

“Solas, I’ve been wondering; how do you enter the Fade like that? How was I able to do it? The mages at the Circle use lyrium to enter the Fade,” she asked. She had never been taught to enter the Fade _. There was a reason for that…_

Solas’ face brightened as it seemed her mood turned around. “Technically, we all enter the Fade when we sleep. Most people don’t know what’s going on or remember anything. They simply think they’re _dreaming._ Mages from the Circle enter the Fade as part of the harrowing, using lyrium to enter. I am what they call a dreamer. I enter the Fade as I please; conscious of my actions. I do not need lyrium, nor do I use blood magic,” he paused as he looked over at Banreas who was enraptured by what he was saying.

“As for you, lethal’lan; I could just sense it. When I first saw you fight at the Temple, I could sense the power and the energy in you; I could see the control and focus. There is so much more to you… more than you recognize,” he said. What was it that she could hear in his voice? Regret? Disappointment? Sadness?

“I don’t know about all of that. I certainly do not feel that I am in control, especially with a staff. I only learned how to use one when I joined the Circle,” she mumbled.

“ _What_?” he asked, stunned.

“I’m too slow with it. I can _feel_ it. I’m not fast enough, I should be faster…” she grumbled. She turned to glance at Solas who wore an expression that was a mixture of frustration and amazement.

“If you want to be faster, Banreas, I can teach you that. But as for your power, your skills and abilities… you are not lacking. You are unique,” Solas’ voice burned with an intensity that shocked her. He urged his horse forward to pick up the pace, effectively ending the conversation. For once, she didn’t want the conversation to end.

By midday they reached Redcliffe Farms and made their way to the North of it. Solas’ brow was furrowed, and he seemed deep in thought; she wondered if she had somehow upset him. She liked it better when he smiled; his pale skin seemed to glow, his freckles stretched across his cheeks, and his eyes brightened…

They reached the cave that the Inquisition mages had identified, and they tied the horses to the side. Banreas walked to the mouth of the cave and could see dilapidated unlit torches on either side. She had seen these before, Solas had lit them previously. When they ignited, the fire burned a beautiful blue-green. Solas approached her and grabbed her left hand gently. He lifted it up toward the torch as he opened her palm.

“ _Focus,_ ” he breathed by her ear. He said a short incantation in her ear and instructed her to repeat it. She did as he told her, channeling her mana in her hand and the torch ignited in a beautiful blue-green flame.

“Veil fire. With practice, you won’t have to say the incantation,” he said. He was still holding her hand. He covered her hand to close it for her and brought it down by her side. Her heart was racing, and not from using magic. She could feel his mana buzzing in his veins. _He’s powerful_ , she thought. _And he’s still holding my hand._

Solas released her hand and searched the ground for a large branch. He lifted the branch toward the torch and it caught fire. He led the way into the Cave. The air was cool inside; eerie even. Her left hand began to ache and crackle, illuminating the walls around them. The rift had to be close. Solas stopped to analyze the cave wall. He brought the torch closer to the wall and a small rune came into view.

“How did you know it was there?” she asked as she approached him. She took out her small notebook and her charcoal pencil from her side pouch.

“I could feel it. Can’t you? Close your eyes for a moment; just feel it,” he said as his hand came to rest on hers to stop her from opening her notebook. She closed her eyes and willed her heart to quiet down. _There._ She could feel her hand twitch and tingle; it was a strange aura. She opened her eyes and nodded at him. He continued further into the cave but Banreas stayed near the rune. She didn’t need the light from the torch, her left hand served as a light. She opened her notebook to copy a sketch of the rune. Solas called out to her.

“Just a moment!” She squeaked as she tried to hurry. She could hear Solas’ laugh echo off the stone walls. When she was done, she bounded off toward Solas who smirked at her.

They walked deeper into the cave and Banreas began to lead the way; her hand was truly beginning to hurt her, and she wanted to find the rift. She felt like the path they were on was coming to an end and she was beginning to feel sick to her stomach. And then she saw it; the rift.

It wasn’t open, as Solas had mentioned. And it was _very_ large, almost as big as the one at the Temple of Sacred Ashes. No wonder Solas wanted to investigate it. She also remembered what happened the last time she opened such a large rift; several demons had spawned from it. When she had closed the rift at the Temple, there was a whole contingent of soldiers with her, but now… It was just she and Solas.

She clenched her teeth and readied her staff as Solas ignited several torches that hung about the cave. He dropped his torch and grabbed his staff. His expression hardened and his jaw clenched, he was ready. Banreas lifted her left hand up and she formed a tether to the rift. She pushed against the rift, willing it to open. With a loud pop, the rift jutted open. Several demons spewed forth, all of them covered in fire. _Rage demons…_

 _Cullen is going to kill me,_ she thought. She shook her head as she channeled her energy into her staff and shot out a stream of frost at the demons. She was not as skilled with ice magic as she was with fire, but she could do her part. Solas on the other hand was an expert. He caught several demons in an ice mine that froze them in place.

Banreas turned her attention to the wraiths that burst forth. She used her staff to summon a wall of fire to block them from Solas’ path. She then channeled electricity to shock and stun them. She resisted the urge to grab her daggers; _you don’t need it,_ she told herself. She cast an immolation rune beneath the demons and watched as the rune twisted, building energy. She turned her attention to the rift and shot her hand up to try and make a connection; she needed to close it before more demons came through. She heard the rune behind her finally explode and the demons began to screech.

One of the demons must have escaped the fiery explosion. As she was trying to form a connection to the rift, one of the demons crashed into her side, clawing at her. She felt the claws slice through her coat and armor, and she felt the sting of poison on her right side. She howled in pain and fury; she dropped her staff, grabbed her dagger and stabbed it in the demon’s face. It screeched and gurgled before it dropped to the ground.

Solas appeared at her side as she stumbled and clutched at her right side. She shot her left hand up to form the tether to the rift and pulled as hard as she could. With a _snap_ , the rift closed and green sparks flew everywhere. She dropped down to one knee, her head spinning as she broke into a cold sweat. _The poison…_

Solas was surprisingly strong. He handed her staff to her, picked her up, and ran out of the cave. Once they were outside, she could feel the air cool down her feverish cheeks. Solas placed her on the ground and stripped off her coat and quickly undid the leather armor around her torso. If her cheeks hadn’t already been feverish, she would have blushed.

Solas lifted her shirt up and Banreas wanted to die from embarrassment, but the poison was working quickly and she couldn’t fight him even if she tried. Breathing was becoming difficult; her breath came in short raspy pants. Solas grabbed her chin and turned her face toward his.

“Just look at me, focus on me. Okay?” he ordered; his face had a sheen of sweat on it. She nodded. He placed one hand on the right side of her ribs and the other hand came to rest on her cheek. She felt the magic work on her skin and she screamed. It was pulling on her and it was excruciating. Solas’ hand lifted from her side and she could see what he was pulling out; the sickly black poison.

She couldn’t do what he asked of her; she couldn’t focus on him. She closed her eyes; she was too exhausted from the shock.

 _Cullen is going to kill me,_ she thought once more. And then she passed out.

* * *

When Banreas and Solas arrived back at Haven two days later, she thought she managed to get away with not telling anyone of her injury. They had stayed a day longer than they had originally planned on; Solas had to take Banreas to the main Inquisition camp to rest. She had a message sent out to tell Cullen, Leliana, and Josephine of their delayed departure.

They left their horses with Master Dennet and they walked toward the town center. Banreas walked gingerly and she was leaning to the side; although Solas was an accomplished healer, she had been left with deep scars on her right side.

Banreas walked with Solas back to the apothecary and he stopped just outside the door. He turned to her and smiled at her warmly. His eyes seemed different; they seemed _deeper._ Hesitantly, he placed the back of his hand against her cheek.

“Injury aside, I am glad you are alright. I consider the trip a success; don’t you?” he asked softly. Banreas willed herself to stay put. _He means well, it’s alright. It feels good…_ she told herself.

“Injury aside, yes; it was a success,” she said, averting her eyes away from him. The hand at her cheek came to grab her chin as he tilted her head up; she was forced to look at him.

“I will see you later, lethal’lan,” he smiled wider before he released her and headed inside the building. Banreas placed her hand on her cheek where his hand had been and smiled as she made her way to the Chantry.

Upon reaching the conference room at the Chantry, it became clear she _had not_ gotten away with hiding her injury, even when she managed to walk in standing tall. Josephine was almost in hysterics and Leliana and Cullen demanded that she travel with at least two others.

After being chastised, they gave her a mountain of things to do. A mercenary group requested her presence at the Storm Coast, the noble that owned the land they were on requested a meeting with her and _no one_ had decided on whether to approach the Templars or to reach out to the Grand Enchanter. It appeared they had just waited for her.

When they were done, Leliana squeezed her shoulder as she passed by; a look of relief on her face. The gesture shocked Banreas; she didn’t think that Leliana liked her all that much. Banreas heard the doors shut behind them and thinking she was alone, she groaned and collapsed in a chair. She kicked her legs out and leaned to the left of her chair trying to stretch out her right side. Cullen laid a hand on her shoulder as he kneeled on one knee by her side.

Banreas immediately tried to straighten up in her chair. She opened her mouth to speak but Cullen held up a hand to halt her.

“Did you really think that the scouts wouldn’t report your injury?” he asked, his lips turned down. Banreas sighed as she threw her hands up in exasperation.

“Commander, I don’t know what I thought. I didn’t want to worry anyone,” she said morosely. Cullen’s amber eyes bored into hers.

“You can’t promise me you will be safe. But can you at least promise that you’ll _try?_ We are here to advise you and help you in anyway we can. Will you trust me next time?” he urged. He squeezed her shoulder tighter.

Looking into Cullen’s eyes, she was achingly reminded of Carlisle. _“You were everything to me_ ,” Carlisle had said. The words stuck with her, even if she didn’t really believe what she heard that night in the Fade. Banreas trusted Carlisle; she wanted to trust Cullen and everyone else too. She placed her hand over his hand at her shoulder.

“I’ll try Cullen; I’ll try,” she said.


	11. Responsibility

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Banreas has a dream that makes her realize that she can call Haven home. Although this new revelation brings her peace, she is pressured into making a big decision. 
> 
> With more responsibilities on her shoulders, she is one step closer to becoming what she doesn't want to be; a leader.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another long chapter! I love any dialogue involving Varric, Sera, and the Iron Bull so this chapter was fun to write :)

_“Please, stop…” Banreas pleaded as she crumbled onto the ground. She writhed in the dirt, clawing at her face. A force in her head was willing her to move, but her body fought against it. The force inside her was demanding she stand up._

_“No,” she spat as she rolled over on all fours. She could hear waves crashing and splashing against the rocks. The cool sea air whipped around her. She wanted to make her way to the sea, she wanted to lose herself in the waters; to be swept away… she began to crawl._

_The force became so strong that it stopped her dead in her tracks. She slowly lost control over every muscle in her body; she had no choice. It was an inescapable pull that yanked at her mind and body._

_‘Why can’t I fight it? I did it before.’ She thought in agony. Someone came to stand before her, and her body was willed to stand up. Banreas rose up and stood at attention; arms crossed behind her back. She realized she was on a cliff; she had been so close to making it to the edge. She looked at the man that stood before her._

_It was Terror._

_He must have been a beautiful elf once; they shared the same Vallaslin and he had dark brown skin with green eyes that must’ve had some light in them at one point. The light had left his eyes a long time ago. His pupils were so wide and dark it was hard to tell his eyes were green. Banreas never knew his real name; Terror was his nickname and the name was well deserving._

_He smiled at her wickedly as he circled around her. He completed his circle and stopped in front of her._

_“It’s time to come back now. You know how he gets when we go too far,” he said in a low gravely voice._

**_No_. **

_Banreas winced and clutched the sides of her head. She shook her head at Terror. Terror’s face contorted in disgust as one of his hands wrapped around her neck and the other grabbed the back of her head, pulling her in close to him._

_“What? You want to stay with them?” he spat as he moved the hand at the back of her head and pointed to the side. The hand at her neck moved her head in the direction he was pointing and she saw Haven in the distance. It seemed blurry and out of focus; out of her reach._

_“Y-yes,” she stammered. He laughed humorlessly and pulled her head back to face him._

_“There is nothing for you there,” he said as he turned her around so that her back was to the cliff. He started walking toward the edge…_

_“You think they care about you? You fool,” he said as one hand petted her face. He was revolting._

_“If they pulled back all the layers, behind all the spells, at your core… What would they find?” it was a rhetorical question. He stopped as Banreas felt her heels come to the edge of the cliff._

_“I’ll tell you what they would find…” the hand at her throat gripped tighter as his other hand tapped his temple and then tapped hers. “A monster,” he cackled at her. He released her and stepped back. The force in her mind told her to turn around. It told her to jump…_

_Banreas stared down at the sea and the rocks below and she changed her mind; she didn’t want to lose herself in the waves. She wanted to go back to Haven…_

_Banreas' body began to fight the force that told her to jump. She fell to her knees and started to scream; she wouldn’t be able to fight much longer. Abruptly, she was scooped up in one swift movement and she found herself cradled in someone’s arms._

_It was Carlisle._

_She threw her arms around him and nuzzled her face in the crook of his neck. Carlisle stood up and began to walk toward Haven._

_“It’s going to be okay. I promise,” he murmured to her. His voice didn’t sound right. She felt furs beneath her hands where they rested around his neck. She lifted her head to look at his face. Her jaw dropped. It was Cullen; he stared straight ahead with a determined look in his eye._

_He looked down at her and gave her a lopsided grin. “I promise,” Cullen repeated._

* * *

Banreas’ eyes flew open and she sat up; it caused her head to spin. Off in the distance, she could hear waves splashing against the shore. She could hear the rain pummeling the tent she was in; she focused on the sound and the panic slowly subsided.

It was dark in the tent, she could hear Sera and Cassandra’s slow, rhythmic breaths at the other end. Quietly, Banreas put on some clothes and stepped out into the rain. They had set up camp in the forest but it did not provide much protection from the rain. The rain at the Storm Coast was unyielding and relentless.

She could hear an obnoxious snore close by; she wasn’t sure if it was Varric or the mountainous Qunari that had joined their party. The self-admitted spy was the leader of the mercenary group called the Chargers; he called himself the Iron Bull. She heard one more thunderous snore. _Yes, that’s the Iron Bull._

With a sigh, she set off toward the shores and away from the shelter of the forest.  The torrential rain hit her with full force and she welcomed the biting cold that accompanied it. She reached the shore and watched as the waves ebbed and flowed over the rocks. _No wonder I dreamt of the sea,_ she thought. She looked up at the sky and gazed at the Breach. The sickly green tear in the sky mirrored the tear in her hand. It was terrifying. As she stared up at it, she realized how easy it was to lose sight of their real goal. _Close the Breach, save the world,_ she told herself. But these dreams… A few days before she saw Duke Antoine in her dreams and now, she dreamt of Terror. They said they would find her, they said it was time to go back. It all felt so ominous. _What if they find me? The First Enchanter is gone, Carlisle is dead; I don’t have the protection of the Circle anymore._

“You okay there, Boss?” The Iron Bull’s silky-smooth voice startled her and caused her to jump. She spun around to face him; her hair plastered to her cheeks from the rain.

“Bull! Weren’t you asleep? How did you know I was out here?” she asked in embarrassment.

“Well, I’d be a pretty shitty spy if I didn’t keep tabs on people. Ben-Hassrath, remember?” He winked at her with his one good eye, an eye patch covered the left. By far, he was the biggest Qunari she had ever met. He didn’t bother with wearing shirts and it appeared the rain didn’t bother him. His good eye roamed over her body and a wicked grin spread across his face.

“You look like you could use a coat, Boss,” his eye settled on her chest. Horrified, Banreas looked down at her chest and quickly wrapped her arms around herself to hide from him.

“Bull!” she whined as her arms came down at her sides and she stomped one foot on the ground; her full lips turned down as her hands balled into fists.

“BAHAHA! Are you pouting? That’s cute. Here,” he produced a coat and flung it at her chest. The coat plopped on top of her wet clothes. Banreas stood there and prayed that Bull couldn’t see her blush. He walked over to her and wrapped an arm over her shoulders.

“C’mon, Boss. Let’s get you back to camp, I’ll tell you how I lost this eye!” he said as he steered her back toward camp. Banreas laughed under her breath; there was something about the Iron Bull that was disarming and engaging. She supposed that is what made him a good spy.

If anyone _was_ coming for her, she would like to see them try getting past the Iron Bull first.

Bull led her back to camp and toward the tent he shared with Varric. He lifted the tent flaps open and waited for her to enter. Banreas paused for a moment looking back and forth between Bull and the tent.

“Well, if you want to stand in the rain and catch a cold, suit yourself. But I’m telling you, it’s a good story,” he whispered to her as he pointed at his eyepatch. Banreas rolled her eyes toward the heavens before sighing and ducking her head as she entered the tent with Bull right behind her.

“Hey, dwarf. You awake?” Bull asked as he towered over Varric. Banreas pulled her left hand out from under the coat and used it as a light to shine over Varric. Varric kicked his feet in irritation and sat up. His hair stood in every direction; Banreas never dreamed she’d see Varric with his hair down.

“Well I sure as hell am now, thanks Tiny. Hey there Sparky, welcome to the tent; mind putting the glowing hand down?” Varric asked groggily. Banreas smiled apologetically as she placed her hand back down at her side and sat down inside the tent. Bull sat atop his bedroll as he smacked his hands together and rubbed them in anticipation. _It must be a good story. At least it will clear my head,_ Banreas thought; even Varric sat watching the Iron Bull.

“Okay, so; it all starts with Krem, alright?” Bull attempted to begin his story when a draft of cold air swept through the tent and Sera popped her head in.

“ _Oi!_ You dung for brains –" Sera’s head swiveled around and her gaze settled on Banreas. “Herald! You all tellin’ stories in here?” she asked as she let herself into the tent.

“Oh, sure. Come on in Buttercup. The party is just getting started,” Varric said sarcastically as he gestured at the lack of space in the tent.

“Do the women of the Inquisition normally walk around without corsets? Not complaining, just asking,” Bull asked with mock innocence. Banreas looked over at Sera who sat down beside her and she quickly wrapped one half of the coat over Sera’s chest. Sera leaned in close to Banreas and brought her knees up so that her legs would be covered by the coat.

“Who the hell wears a corset to bed? Tits out is good, yeah?” Sera shot back at Bull; Banreas suppressed a smile. Sera lifted the coat and looked down at Banreas’ chest. Mortified, Banreas slapped Sera’s hand away. “See, she ain’t wearing a corset. She’s a smart one,” Sera added as she nudged Banreas.

“Okay. That’s quite enough. Bull, how did you lose your eye?” Banreas asked Bull in exasperation.

“As I was saying, it all happened when I met Krem…”

As they all sat listening to Bull tell his story, Sera laid her head on Banreas' shoulder. Banreas looked down at the top of Sera’s head and sighed in content. No matter how she felt about herself or the people around her; there was no going back. She had no home to go back to. Haven was her home now

* * *

When they arrived back at Haven, Cullen greeted them at the gates; it seemed to be a habit of his. As Banreas dismounted from Nehna and gathered her camping gear, she watched Cullen walk over to Cassandra. Upon seeing his approach, Cassandra smiled from ear to ear, it changed her entire face. Her eyes softened and she batted her eyes at him. When Cassandra dismounted from her horse, the two shared a deep embrace.

Banreas’ heart fluttered at the sight and she had to look away; it was sweet and endearing. She smiled to herself as she walked up to Bull.

“Hey Bull, I want to introduce you to the Inquisition’s Commander. Just… in a moment,” she said as she shuffled on her feet. Bull looked over at Cullen and Cassandra and frowned as he turned to Varric.

“Pssh, you made the Seeker seem like some kind of ice queen. Look at her over there, she’s melting!” Bull said rather loudly. Varric crossed his arms over his chest as he peeked over at Cassandra and Cullen; Cassandra was in fact _melting_ in Cullen’s arms.

“That doesn’t count. Who can resist the Lion of Honnleath? Just look at those curls,” Varric said dismissively.

“You havin’ a laugh? He doesn’t have curls. It’s his _sword_ that makes her melt,” Sera butted in as she wiggled her fingers at Varric. Banreas looked between the couple and her companions furtively and gestured to Sera to keep her voice down.

“Who’s melting?” Blackwall asked curiously as he walked over from the blacksmith; he was covered in soot. He stood before Banreas and wiped his hands on his pants before extending his hand to her. She smiled at him warmly as she shook his hand; she liked Blackwall tremendously. He was an older man with a grizzly beard and there was something about his eyes; his eyes were a well of sadness.

“My lady, good to see you safe. Now, who’s melting?” Blackwall asked again. Banreas squeezed his hand as she shook her head infinitesimally. “Oh… right. Ah –"

“The Seeker,” Bull said at full volume. Banreas wished for a hole to open up in the earth and swallow them whole. Banreas quickly diverted Bull’s attention.

“Ah, Blackwall! I want you to meet the Iron Bull; he and his mercenary group have been hired on by the Inquisition,” Banreas’ voice raised an octave in nervousness as she introduced the two men.

“The Boss hired me,” Bull corrected as he pointed at Banreas and then shook Blackwall’s hand firmly. _What? I was just sent to evaluate their skill,_ she thought.

“Good to meet you. It’s good you’ve come; these troops need shaping up. The Commander over there has his hands full,” Blackwall said to Bull as he led the Qunari away toward the barracks. Banreas was grateful that the man took her hint.

Just then, Cullen and Cassandra walked up to them. Sera conveniently disappeared which left Banreas and Varric to face the couple.

“Varric, a word?” Cassandra asked as she gestured up the road. With a sigh and a wave to Banreas, Varric walked away with Cassandra. Cullen proffered up his arm for Banreas to take. She rested her hands at the crook of his elbow, and he led her away toward the Chantry. Looking down at her hands, she wondered why Cullen still extended such gestures to her when he and Cassandra were together. _He’s just kind. A good man. Stop it,_ she told herself.

As they walked, she re-lived the dream she had a few nights before; Cullen carrying her to Haven. He promised her she would be safe. She hoped that it could be true.

“So, how much trouble is Varric in? What did he do this time?” she asked matter-of-factly.

“Ha! Oh, no trouble this time. I am sure you heard that Cassandra asked Varric to contact the Champion of Kirkwall?” Cullen asked as he looked down at her. She nodded at Cullen. “Well, she is convinced he knows where the Champion is, even though he denies that he does. The Inquisition needs a leader, she hopes that the Champion will agree to be the Inquisitor,”

Banreas chewed on her bottom lip. She knew that Varric was lying. Varric knew where the Champion of Kirkwall was. Banreas was skilled at analyzing people. Within just a few weeks of knowing Varric, she quickly realized that Varric kept many correspondences and sent letters almost daily. On several occasions she found Varric sending a letter in the late hours of the night, always on the same day. She told him to proceed with caution. If she noticed the pattern, then surely their spymaster would…

“That makes sense. I hope that the Champion is contacted soon,” Banreas said with neutral expression. She would not betray Varric; if he didn’t want to ask the Champion to come there must be a good reason for it. She made a mental note to ask him about that later.

“Me too. It’s good to have you back. We have much to discuss in the War Room,” he said.

“The _what_? The War Room?” she asked.

“I-uh… you know. The conference room; some of the recruits have been calling it the War Room. Guess it rubbed off on me,” Cullen nervously rubbed the back of his head.

“Well, if you call it that then I will too,” she laughed as the man blushed. Cullen stopped blushing and his expression softened.

“You really should do that more often,”

“Do what?” she asked.

“Laugh. It would be nice to hear you laugh more,” he said with a hint of longing in his voice. Banreas was stunned into silence.She looked at the ground, unsure of what she should say. _Laugh more? I should be staying focused. Maybe I’ve become too distracted? Remember what they need you for; close the Breach,_ she scolded herself.

They entered the War Room and Leliana and Josephine sat waiting. Something about their expressions made her feel trapped. When the doors closed behind them, Banreas released Cullen and did not step further into the room. She crossed her arms behind her back and stood close to the wall. She nodded at them.

“Welcome back Lady Lavellan. I have some rather urgent matters to discuss. Please, take a seat,” Josephine said as she sashayed closer to her. Cullen pulled out a chair for Banreas and nodded at her. She shook her head at the man. She knew what they were trying to do. She had tried her very best to stay away from the serious talks. She didn’t want to be involved in decision making, but now they finally cornered her.

“I’m fine here. Thank you, ambassador,” she said flatly.

“That is… quite alright,” Josephine said as her eyes flitted between Banreas and Leliana. “Leliana, would you like to start?” Josephine seemed hesitant. Leliana moved from behind the table and came to stand in front of Banreas.

“Herald. Josephine and I have been working tirelessly to convince and… coerce some of Orlais’ most influential players. There were quite a few nobles who frowned upon the actions of the Lord Seeker in Val Royeaux. There are ten families that have agreed to help the Inquisition pressure the Templars to help close the Breach,” Leliana’s lilting voice, while smooth, always carried a hint of danger.

“Oh, that is good no?” Banreas asked skeptically. Her gaze shifted between the people in the room; they all seemed hesitant. “There is more, isn’t there?” Banreas asked as she braced herself.

“Well, the nobles agreed to travel to Therinfal Redoubt and demand that the Lord Seeker face them but only on one condition. They want the Herald of Andraste to be the voice of the Inquisition in the negotiations,” Josephine added as she looked at Banreas expectantly. Banreas stiffened and she held her head up high.

“You’ve already told them I would, haven’t you?” Banreas asked flatly. Her heart began to race and her palms became sweaty; she tried her best to keep her composure. This is exactly what she had been trying to avoid; she didn’t want this responsibility. She was no ambassador nor was she a negotiator. Josephine shifted her weight on her feet nervously.

“No, Herald. We have told them you would only if you chose to approach the Templars. There is still the Grand Enchanter to consider,” Leliana clarified.

“We have already secured the support of the nobles, we should prepare to travel to Therinfal Redoubt,” Cullen said firmly as he too stepped toward her. Banreas instinctively took a step back.

She felt corned; trapped. Her head was spinning. She felt the panic and anger bubble forth and the words escaped her lips before she could censor them.

“I do not understand what the people expect of me. I am a _da_ _lish_ elf. How can I be the Herald of Andraste? I am not equipped to handle this. Is this not the task for the Right and Left hand of the Divine? You would know her will better than anyone!” Banreas almost shouted at Leliana, angry tears brimming in her eyes.

“I beg to differ; you are more than capable of handling this. I believe it, we all do. Everything you’ve done proves that. From the rifts, gathering resources, acquiring agents…” Cullen said trying to pacify her.

“There are many that believe that you were sent by the Maker himself; I count myself among them. The people look to you for hope. My place is in the shadows, I will support you from there in any way I can,” Leliana said intently.

Banreas willed her tears not to spill over. _Is this really what I must do? I do not want this. It’s too much,_ she agonized. They sat there waiting on her and she felt so hopeless. _Fine, I promised I would help. Don’t let them see you cry._ She steeled herself and nodded.

“I would still like to hear what the Grand Enchanter has to say. I think we should speak with her first, see what the mages can offer the Inquisition,” Banreas said. She quickly blinked her tears away; she would hold them back until she was done. She would fall to pieces later.

“An excellent point, Herald. I agree. Is that settled then?” Josephine asked happily as she sighed in relief. The others nodded their assent and Banreas took that as her cue to leave.

She all but ran out of the War Room. _This can’t be real, why me? They shouldn’t even trust someone like me to do this!_ As the tears began to flow, Banreas roamed the halls of the Chantry aimlessly. Cassandra was right in wanting to contact the Champion of Kirkwall; the Inquisition was in dire need of someone to be the leader.

Banreas would make sure that that someone would not be her.


	12. Sweet Rolls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter starts with Solas' POV and ends with Cullen's. It's told by two men that care about the Herald of Andraste quite a bit...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Elvhen Phrases: 
> 
> Vyn felasil = you fool  
> Da'lin = young person  
> Arlathan refers to the great city in the land the Elves called Elvhenan.  
> All Elvhen phrases credited to: [FenxShiral](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4401050/chapters/9994241)  
> If I've made a terrible mess of the elvhen language I apologize!

Solas sat in his room above the apothecary finishing his report from his trip to the Fallow Mire. He and Blackwall returned from the miserable swamp the day before. Prior to Banreas’ departure to the Storm Coast, she confided in him about how overwhelmed she felt. His pulse quickened as he thought back to the night she spoke to him.

* * *

Unable to sleep that night, Solas set out to go for a walk by the frozen lake when he saw Banreas leaning against the lamp post outside the Singing Maiden. Her eyes were fixated on the Breach; her normally well composed face was shrouded in sorrow. He couldn’t help himself; he approached her cautiously, as he always did. At the sight of him, her sorrow was quickly replaced with a mask of neutrality. All she ever did was hide her emotions…

It was unbelievably frustrating.

She told him that Scout Harding had sent her a letter requesting her presence in the Fallow Mire; Inquisition patrols had been abducted by a group of barbarians. There was some rumor that their leader wanted to _fight_ the Herald of Andraste.

“I’m not sure what to do. There are patrols missing in the Storm Coast as well, and then there’s that mercenary group that Leliana wants me to check out. I said I would go to the Storm Coast first, but now…” Banreas paused to look back up at the Breach. “I’m not sure what’s right,” she said, as if to herself.

Solas’ hands flexed. The way the moonlight illuminated her dark skin and her chocolate eyes; the way her jet-black hair glistened… she was picturesque, even in her melancholy state.

“Would it be helpful if I went to the Fallow Mire instead?” he asked, hoping to lift her spirits. Her eyes found his as she pushed herself off the lamp post to stand tall. Her mouth fell open with an audible pop as she scrutinized him.

“You… you don’t want to come with m- I mean… the rest of us?” she asked. Her slip up did not go unnoticed. _“With me,” she meant to say._

“While I enjoy your company, I only wanted to offer my assistance. You are faced with an almost impossible task, yet you are still here. You did not run away,” he said as he flashed a broad grin. He could see her bite the inside of her cheek as she fought a smile. The subject of her running away had become somewhat of a joke between the two of them. During their trip to the Hinterlands, she had revealed several possible escape plans. One of them involved hitting Varric over the head to incapacitate him; Solas liked that plan best.

“The least I can do; the least we _all_ can do is take some weight off your shoulders,” he added. _Yes, especially since this is all my fault,_ he thought as he felt a pang of guilt. She exhaled sharply and her shoulders dropped. She tilted her head to the side as an alarmingly beautiful smile emerged.

“ _Thank you_ ,” she said in earnest. “When this all started, I felt this uncontrollable panic. I was so overwhelmed. I truly thought that the feeling would subside; it has only intensified,” she said as her smile faded, and it was replaced with a frown. That smile; he wanted to see it again.

“I won’t lie to you; sealing the Breach will be no easy task. This magic is unheard of and that mark on your hand is the key. I will say this, you will not be left to figure this out alone,” even as the words came out of his mouth, he knew he said it with too much emotion. Banreas brought her left hand up to her face and flipped it over; palm up. She opened and closed it as she analyzed it.

Solas closed the distance between them and tentatively grabbed her left hand. Instinctively, he began to channel a light healing magic into her palm; he knew the mark pained her. She closed her eyes at his touch and leaned her head forward.

He was still a little surprised that she allowed him to hold her hand. When they first met, she flinched and rejected any kind of touch or friendly gesture. He remembered how empty it made him feel and he had no idea why he felt that way. He truly _s_ _houldn’t_ feel that way. But now, he relished the feeling of her hand in his. When he held her, he felt a surge; a buzz. At first, he attributed the feeling to the power of the mark. But as time went on, he wondered if it was just _her._

“Since sleep escapes us both tonight, would you like to take a walk with me?” he asked.

“Will you tell me more about Arlathan?” she asked with a coy smile. Ever since he had asked her to get to know him, she began coming to him with numerous questions. Her eagerness and genuine interest only served to fascinate him; although he was quite sure it was a tactic to avoid _his_ questions.

“Perhaps,” he said mischievously. She stiffened and pouted at him. The Vallaslin on her forehead crinkled, her cheeks puffed up and she sucked in her lips.

“But, Solas you…” she began to protest. Her whole demeanor; it reminded him of a child. He laughed.

“Of course I will, da’lin,” he said with a wink. He released her hand and began to walk backward with his hands crossed behind his back.

“Lethal’lin…” she said as she shook her head and smiled. His heart skipped a beat. It was the first time that she called him friend.

* * *

Ever since that night, he found himself eager to see her again. He and Blackwall arrived a day before she was scheduled to return, and he was… excited. He finished his report and gathered his notes. He stood up, intending to find Commander Cullen, when he heard a murderous roar.

“MAKER PRESERVE ME! YOU OPENED THE JAR?” Adan bellowed from below.

“Shit, shit, shit, _shit!”_ Sera’s panicked voice reached his ears.

“It’s a bloody jar of _bees!_ It’s meant for the battlefield; this isn’t a bee nursery. Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING!” Adan demanded. _Oh, Banreas must be here then_ , he thought with a sigh. He hurried down the stairs and into the apothecary’s workspace.

Sera sat hidden under a table while Adan stood behind a curtain; bees buzzed everywhere. Solas sighed in annoyance as he waved his hand and a crisp chill engulfed the room. The bee’s wings all froze, and the poor insects dropped to the ground. Solas strolled over to the table that Sera hid under and bent over to address her.

“Hello. Has Banreas returned?” he asked. She frowned defiantly.

“Oooooo, look at me!” she said mockingly as she copied his movements and waved her hand through the air. “Stupid, flashy, show-off magic! Of course she is! She’s with mister: _my sword is big and it makes people melt,_ at the Chantry,” she said. Solas blinked quickly at a complete loss for words and then stood up tall; he left the apothecary. He had no idea who Banreas was with, but he headed for the Chantry to go speak with her.

Solas made his way into the Chantry. He didn’t frequent the building much and he took a moment to take in his surroundings. He saw Vivienne speaking with one of the Inquisition’s researchers and he approached her. Vivienne was not a woman one would forget. She had dark brown skin and she sported a buzz cut that suited her round face. Her eyes were wide and her lips were full; she was both beautiful and dangerous. Due to Banreas’ high opinion of the Circle she resided in; Vivienne had taken a keen interest in Banreas ever since they met in Val Royeaux. Solas was wary of her; Vivienne was polite and friendly with Banreas on the surface, but the way she looked at her…. It reminded him of the way a lioness stalks its prey.

“Vivienne, a moment?” he asked lightly to gain her attention. She turned to him and smiled as she waved off the young mage. She placed one hand on her hip and the other hand came to worry her chin.

“Yes, of course darling. What can I do for you?” she asked sweetly.

“Would you happen to know where Banreas is?” he inquired as he analyzed her face. She eyed him up and down and her mouth twitched before she put on a mask of concern.

“Oh, the poor thing. She was rather upset after her meeting in the conference room there,” she said as one finger lifted off her chin and pointed to the double pane doors. “Normally after her meetings we have a little chat, but today I decided to leave her be. She looked like she wanted to be alone,” she said icily. _How presumptuous,_ he thought as his blood began to boil.

“I see. Thank you, Madame de Fer,” he gave her a curt nod and she gave him a half-hearted smile. They existed on opposite ends of a spectrum; she clearly had a low opinion of him. Disregarding Vivienne’s thinly veiled hint to leave Banreas alone; Solas set off down one of the many hallways in the Chantry.

As he progressed further down the dimly lit hallway, he caught the scent of something sweet; like fresh baked bread. _How peculiar,_ he thought as his mouth began to water. He saw a petite elf marching toward him, it was Rosala. He noticed that the young elf was rather fixated on Banreas and often discretely followed her around.

“Well met, friend. Would you by chance happen to know where Banreas is?” He asked as he stood in her path to halt her. Rosala was staring down at the ground and seemed completely unaware of her surroundings. She jumped back at the sound of his voice and let out a small squeak; her cheeks flushed in embarrassment.

“Oh! Hello there, I did not see you. I, uh… Who are you looking for?” she asked nervously. Solas sighed. It seemed he was one of the only people that referred to Banreas by her name.

“The Herald, have you seen her?” he asked again.

“Oh, Maker’s Breath! Oh… yes, I have,” she said as she rubbed her ear and looked away. Solas waited for her to continue but she didn’t.

“And? Where is she?” he prompted.

“She was… she is rather upset. I brought her fresh baked sweet rolls from mother; she likes sweet rolls… I thought it would cheer her up. I think it did; I’m not sure,” she said as her blush spread to her ears and she chewed on her bottom lip. Although the young elf meant well, she had not answered his question and he was beginning to lose patience.

“I see, _where_ did you bring the sweet rolls to?” he urged. Rosala finally looked up at him and he could see the debate she was having in her head.

“The prayer room,” she said with shame as she pointed two doors down; she stomped away with her head down. _How strange,_ he thought. Solas theorized that Rosala’s fixation was something more. Solas walked the short distance to the door that Rosala pointed to and pushed it open. The room was dead silent. All the braziers were lit and there was only one person in it. Banreas.

She sat in the pew at the very front, right next to the statue of Andraste. Solas inhaled deeply; the heady scent of fresh baked bread filled his nostrils. He could hear her quiet sobs and it made his heart sink; it was gut wrenching. He walked to the front of the room and paused when he reached her pew.

He looked down at her and at her feet was a small wicker basket lined with a red and white checkered cloth. The basket contained none other than sweet rolls. Banreas was leaning forward and her elbows rested on her thighs; her hands were clasped up against her forehead. She clutched her rosary in her hands as she prayed to the elven gods. She was one of the most peculiar elves he had ever met; nothing she did made sense to him.

Solas silently took a seat in the pew beside her and gave her time to register his presence. He took the opportunity to just look at her. Her skin was not as dark as Vivienne’s, but it was just as radiant; if not more. A lock of curls had escaped her bun and it fell over her ear; he found himself wishing her hair was free of the bun altogether. His hand involuntarily reached for the lock of hair by her ear and he quickly withdrew when Banreas finally looked up at him. She noticed the gesture before he could take it back.

She straightened up as she tucked her rosary beneath her tunic. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying and her lips were chapped. Her eyes followed his hand as he placed it on his lap. He couldn’t bear to see her this way; he thought of a way to distract her when he remembered the sweet rolls.

“I hope it is not the sweet rolls that has upset you,” he said softly, only lightly teasing. She gave a hiccup of a laugh and reached down to grab the basket. She placed it on her lap.

“No, I love sweet rolls. At the Circle we would get these rolls that had nuts in them. I liked those. Rosala’s mother uses dried fruit… I have not tasted it yet,” she said as she gripped the basket tightly; her eyes were out of focus as she stared down at her feet.

“If it is not the sweet rolls that have upset you, what has?” he asked, he made no attempt to hide his concern. Tears brimmed in her eyes once more as her eyes refocused on him.

“Solas… I… I don’t want _any_ of this! I didn’t ask for _any_ of this! I was happy where I was! I was safe! Everything was so simple and now this!” she sobbed as she held her left hand up.

“Each day, they ask more and more of me. And now they want me to make choices, choices that are well beyond someone like me. It doesn’t make sense!” he could hear the anguish in her voice. Instinct took over. He used the back of his hand to wipe the tears from her cheek, he almost expected her to pull away, but she didn’t.

“Lethal’lan, remember what I told you. Things may not make sense, but you are not alone in this,” he murmured as his hand stroked back and forth between her chin and her cheek. _Stop, stop it now,_ he commanded himself. He didn’t. His hand stopped at her cheek as he cupped it; she was so warm. One of her hands came to rest atop his hand at her cheek and she closed her eyes.

 _Why? Why do you feel this way? You are becoming distracted; this is the last thing you need!_ He scolded himself. _But this; why can’t I have this? Just for a little longer…_ she was a mystery; a puzzle. She confounded him and he found himself obsessed with breaking down her walls.

 She leaned into his touch as she tried to steady herself; it was so strange to see her in such a state. On the battlefield she was strong and powerful; a force to be reckoned with. But there was something more; like she was holding back. It was only in moments like these that he got a glimpse of whatever it was she was hiding; it was an unbelievable sense of pain. And it was only in moments like these that she sought comfort; the only time he could get close.

 _Vyn felasil,_ he truly needed to stop. Reluctantly, he withdrew his hand. She opened her eyes and he instantly regretted meeting her gaze; she looked so lost. So empty. He reached into the wicker basket on her lap and picked up a sweet roll, careful not to touch the icing.

“These rolls are still warm. Shall we?” he asked as he pulled the roll apart and handed her one half. She took the roll from him slowly, almost as if she was in a daze. He wondered how long she had been in the room crying. They bit down into the pastry at the same time. Solas could taste orange zest, dried cranberries and the buttery icing. It was delicious. As Banreas chewed on her half of the roll, the tears that stuck to her eyelashes made their way down her face.

“You’re still crying? I do not think the sweet rolls are that bad,” he said playfully. Banreas’ eyes grew wide as a huge grin erupted across her face. She wiped her tears away.

“These rolls are amazing!” she exclaimed as she took another bite and shook her head at him. “I have to thank Blackwall for getting the butter for Rosala’s mother,” she said as she chewed, her head swaying side to side.

“Is that where he went? When we arrived back at Haven from the Fallow Mire, he left rather abruptly,”

“Mmmhmm. He sat with Rosala and I during dinner one night before I left for the Storm Coast. Rosala told us about the sweet rolls. Her mother didn’t have enough butter to make any. I love sweet rolls; he offered to get the butter for her mother,” she said. She grabbed another roll. “I have to thank Rosala and her mother as well,” she took another bite and then offered the roll to Solas.

Solas chuckled as he took the pastry from her. What a dramatic change in her mood. It appeared that food was the answer to many problems in life. Banreas abruptly stopped chewing and Solas could see the exact moment when an idea popped in her head. She swallowed hard as she quickly stood up with the basket in her hands.

“There’s plenty of these to go around. We should share them!” she said excitedly. There it was again; that child-like demeanor. Solas often forgot just how young she was. “Let’s go!” she commanded as she exited the pew on the other end. Solas apparently didn’t move fast enough for her. She flitted to the door and waited for him; she donned a smile from ear to ear.

Solas couldn’t resist. He decided he could indulge in a little more than just sweet rolls.

* * *

Cullen sat at his desk in one of the newly erected cabins out by the soldier’s barracks. An ornate box sat atop the desk, and Cullen ran his fingers along the top as he thought about the meeting with Banreas. He could have kicked himself he was so upset. _Why did you push her like that? This shouldn’t be her responsibility. Why of all the people in Thedas did this happen to her?_ He asked himself. The look in Banreas’ eyes when she stormed out of the War Room tormented him. He saw fear, anger, sadness… but what hurt the most was the look of betrayal when she turned to him.

He had been rather moody all day; he hadn’t taken any lyrium. He knew he shouldn’t have pushed her, and he shouldn’t have pressured her. But he did, and he regretted it. He had asked her to trust him. _Maker, I want to be someone she can trust._

Cassandra told him he was trying to make up for all the things that happened at Kinloch Hold and Kirkwall. Maybe she was right. Maybe he was trying to place his faith in the mage that had been declared the Herald of Andraste. But he knew there was more to it than that, he saw something in her.

He saw it the day when she woke up in Haven after closing the rift, and again while they sat in the War Room together and spoke about Carlisle. When their eyes met, he saw the same look he saw when he looked in a mirror.

Pain. Agony.

What could have happened to her? What was her past? Leliana, of course, set about trying to gather Banreas’ history before she entered the Circle. There was _nothing_. She learned nothing of her clan either. _What did that mean?_ Cullen’s head was pounding and his stomach felt hollow; he yearned to open the box. _Just take it, it will make everything better_ …

Cullen opened a drawer in the desk and shoved the box inside. He slammed the drawer shut and stood up; shoving his chair to the ground. He paced back and forth, and his hands balled into fists up at his forehead. _I need fresh air_. He walked outside and slammed the door on his way out. He took a deep breath as the cold air filled his lungs. It cooled his feverish skin. He sighed in relief.

“Commander!” a voice called out.

Cullen turned toward the source of the sound. He looked toward the smithy and saw the strangest sight. Banreas came sprinting toward him with a wicker basket in her hands; Solas trailed behind her at a leisurely pace. She skidded to a halt before him and she smiled breathlessly at him. Some of her hair had escaped her bun and fell over her eyes. She quickly smoothed it back.

“Commander! Sweet rolls!” she announced as she held the basket out.

“I-uh… yes. What about them?” he asked, utterly bewildered.

“You must have some, they’re delicious,” she implored. Cullen looked down into the basket and his stomach growled. He caught the scent of orange zest and butter and the icing made his mouth water. Cullen began to take off the glove on his right hand when Solas finally caught up to her.

“She’s sharing them with everyone,” Solas said as he looked over at her fondly. Banreas bounced back and forth on the balls of her feet as she waited for Cullen to take his glove off. Cullen chuckled at her impatience as he finally reached down into the basket and pulled out a roll. They were still warm. He took a bite out of the roll and his eyes widened in shock. Banreas sucked in her lips as she smiled; waiting on him to say something.

“ _Oh, sweet Maker!”_ he moaned as he licked the icing stuck on his lips. He gobbled up the rest of it. His anger, his irritation, and his head pain all disappeared with the first bite. Solas threw his head back and laughed heartily. Banreas hopped up and down. He had _never s_ een her so excited. _Maker’s Breath, she clammed up when I asked her to laugh more; now this_. She reached into the basket and grabbed another roll and held it out to him.

“Here, for Cassandra,” she trilled. Cullen held his hand out and she dropped the roll in his palm. She turned to Solas.

“Did we forget anyone?” she asked. Solas tilted his head toward the lake.

“There is a rather large Qunari staring daggers at you,” he said in amusement.

“Oh, bother! That’s the Iron Bull. He’ll eat the whole basket. Okay, bye Commander,” she turned and beamed at Cullen before skittering off. Cullen looked at Solas incredulously and he caught a glint in the elf’s eye. It was an affectionate look.

Cullen watched Solas trail after Banreas and for some reason, the look he saw in Solas’ eye irked him. He shook the feeling off as he unthinkingly took a bite out of the roll in his hand. He looked down, horrified.

_Shit, Cassandra is going to kill me…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because food fixes just about everything :)


	13. Don’t Forget the Dragon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flirting, Dorian, and oh yes; a dragon.  
> Banreas' trip to see the Grand Enchanter is certainly eventful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dorian **swoon** is perhaps one of my favorite characters in the Dragon Age universe. Hope you enjoy! 
> 
> Elven Phrases:  
> Dhava ‘ma masa = Kiss my ass.

“Oh, _C’mon_ Boss! It’s just down in the valley. Consider it a minor detour!” the Iron Bull begged. Bull walked alongside Banreas as she marched forward when suddenly, she stopped in her tracks. Bull stumbled over his own feet.  

“A minor detour? A dragon is _not_ a minor detour, Bull!” Banreas exclaimed as she threw her hands up in the air; her hands balled into fists as they plopped down at her sides. Inquisition scouts intercepted Banreas and her party on the outskirts of Dusklight camp on their way to Redcliffe. The scouts reported that a dragon had been spotted in the surrounding area and the dragon was not alone; several dragonlings had also been spotted.

“Do you know what happens to dragonlings? They grow. Then, they become BIG dragons. Imagine the chaos!” Bull said heatedly. He sounded much too excited to be imagining what Banreas was imagining. Banreas swiveled around to face her other companions.

“Please, I know I am not alone in this. Our meeting with the Grand Enchanter is rather important. We don’t have time for this, right?” she implored. Banreas’ eyes first settled on Solas and she caught his amused expression before he composed himself. Cassandra rubbed the back of her head nervously, a habit picked up from Cullen. And Varric was already loading Bianca with bolts. Cassandra was the first to break the silence.

“Herald, he has a point. The dragon has been spotted dangerously close to Redcliffe. If that dragon came down on the village…” Cassandra’s sentence trailed off at the sight of Banreas’ disbelief; Cassandra smiled apologetically. “Perhaps we can deal with it _after_ we meet with the Grand Enchanter?” Cassandra suggested.

“It is a good idea, lethal’lan,” Solas chimed in. Banreas stared at Solas in astonishment. She turned to Varric, her last hope…

“Well I’m ready now, Firecracker,” he said as he hefted Bianca over his shoulder; he waggled his eyebrows at her. Banreas bristled at being outnumbered.

“ _Dhava ‘ma masa,”_ Banreas grumbled under her breath as she stomped away.

“Lethal’lan…” Solas said reproachfully.

“Bah!” Banreas continued her advance up the path leading toward the village. The Iron Bull sprinted to catch up with her.

“So, what does that mean? Yes?” he asked hopefully.

“Ugh!” Banreas grunted without bothering to look at him. _A dragon? Why me?_ she asked herself. In truth, the idea of fighting a dragon absolutely terrified her. Demons she could deal with, and people only if she had to. But dragons… Bull looked back at Cassandra.

“Damn it, she sounds like you!” Bull said in exasperation as he pointed at the warrior. “Does that mean yes?”

“I beg your pardon. What do you mean she sounds like me?” Cassandra asked in a clipped tone.

“The grunting!” Bull clarified.

“UGH!” Cassandra spat. Varric laughed and clapped Bull on the forearm.

“Ha, ha, ha! That means yes Tiny, don’t you worry,” Varric said reassuringly. _Tiny…_ Banreas couldn’t help it; she looked back at Varric and smiled. _That dwarf and his nicknames._ The Iron Bull caught her smile and shouted in excitement.

“Ha, yes! We are going to have _so_ much fun, Boss!” he exclaimed.

Banreas turned away and sported a toothy grin.

* * *

Banreas stepped out of the Gull and Lantern in Redcliffe village and found a bench nearby. She sat down and buried her face in her hands as she struggled to make sense of all that just happened.

First, there was that strange rift they encountered outside the village gates; it was unlike any rift she had encountered and it seemed to alter the space around it. Different pockets around the rift slowed down those caught within it, and other pockets sped up their movements. If that wasn’t enough cause for concern, upon entering the village they learned that not only had the Grand Enchanter not been expecting them; but a man named Magister Alexius was in charge of the mages.

Then, Inquisition scouts arranged a meeting with Grand Enchanter Fiona at The Gull and Lantern. It was then that Banreas really grew suspicious. The Grand Enchanter claimed that she had not been to Val Royeaux and that the two of them had never met. The Grand Enchanter had already pledged the rebel mage’s services to the Tevinter Imperium. As if on cue, the Magister in charge of the mages waltzed in. The man gave Banreas the chills and she instantly put her guard up.

Banreas was no fool, she knew the game he was playing. His smile never reached his eyes and he only just seemed to tolerate sitting next to her. He informed her that if the Inquisition wanted the help of the mages, then they would have to negotiate with him first. Their negotiations ended abruptly when Alexius’ son stumbled in and subtly handed her a note.

 _The note…_ the thought roused her from her pensiveness. Banreas straightened up and took the note out of her side pouch. She read it again:

_Come to the Chantry. You are in danger._

She sighed. _When am I not in danger?_ Cassandra came to stand before her and cocked an eyebrow at her. Banreas passed the note to her. Cassandra read the note and crumpled it in frustration.

“Herald, this is a trap,” she warned.

“I know it is,” Banreas said as she stood up. “Be that as it may, we have to go. We need answers,” Banreas squared her shoulders and headed for the Chantry.

“Damn ‘Vints,” Bull muttered in disgust. The Iron Bull sped up and fell in step with Banreas. His stance was protective as he reached back to grab his great axe from its holster. Banreas placed a hand on his shoulder to stop him.

“Its best we don’t scare the townsfolk, Bull,” Banreas said as she widened her eyes at him. Bull mumbled unintelligibly and she could feel the anger rolling off of him. As they approached the Chantry doors, Banreas’ ears twitched, and her body tensed. Her left hand began to crackle and glow brightly; she frowned down at her hand before looking back at the Chantry doors. She reached back and grabbed her staff.

“Never mind that, Bull,” she corrected herself. Bull grabbed his axe and opened the door to the Chantry.

Once inside, Bull barred the door behind them. Just as her hand indicated, there was a rift inside the building. A young mage stood beneath the rift and he was surrounded by demons. He bashed one demon on the head, swirled and stabbed another with his staff blade, and then pounded his staff into the ground, releasing a shockwave.

Banreas didn’t hesitate; she raised her staff up, gathering energy as she ran into the fray. Once she reached the mage’s side, she released a powerful arc of lightning directed at the demons knocked down by the mage’s shockwave. Banreas and the mage stood with their backs to one another when he turned his head to address her.

“Well, that was quite the entrance, but you’re finally here! Be a dear and help me close this thing, would you?” the mage asked with a voice as smooth as silk. She nodded back at him and spun into action. The rift was similar to the rift at the village gates. Pockets of distorted magic sprouted all around them. The mage seemed to be well acquainted with it; he carefully avoided the pockets of distorted magic with practiced movements.

Banreas cast her hand up toward the rift and Cassandra and the Iron Bull appeared at her side to protect her from demons. Just as soon as she formed a tether with the rift, it released a powerful blast and more demons spewed forth.

“Ah, shit. Watch it, Sparky. I’m setting traps!” Varric called out. The dwarf was much quicker than one would think. He darted around the Chantry throwing down traps meant to stun the demons. The young mage whistled appreciatively. Solas appeared behind her and cloaked her in a magical barrier.

“I’ll be behind you, focus on the rift,” he assured her. Banreas turned her focus on the rift once more and she could hear Varric’s traps being sprung one after the other. _Focus_ , she told herself. She lifted her hand up once more and as soon as she made a connection, she pulled back on the rift as hard as she could.

With a loud bang, the rift closed and shot out green sparks that rained down on them. Banreas swore as she shook her hand out and glanced down at her bare palm. She stopped wearing a glove on her left hand a long time ago; the mark always seemed to burn a hole in them. She covered her left hand with her right and looked up when the mage walked over to her.

He was devastatingly handsome. His olive skin shimmered as green sparks from the rift fell all around him. He sported a perfectly manicured mustache that curled up at the ends, and his hair was combed to the side. He wore a white shawl draped over his left shoulder; as he walked one end fell to the front of his chest and he flung it back in place with a flourish.

“Why, that is _fascinating_!” he said as he pointed to her hands. “How does that work, exactly? Wait, you don’t even know, do you? You just wiggle your fingers, and _boom!_ ” he said as he snapped his fingers together. “Rift closes,”

“And you are?” Banreas asked skeptically.

“Ah! My apologies. I often get ahead of myself,” he said. He cleared his throat theatrically. “I am Dorian of House Pavus. Most recently of Minrathous. How do you do?” he placed one hand behind his back and bowed at the waist. He looked up at her through long lashes as he rose from his bow and flashed a sultry smile at her. Banreas’ heart fluttered.

“Watch yourself. The pretty ones are the first to stab you in the back,” The Iron Bull all but growled.

“Oh, come now! Don’t be so suspicious! You got my little note, did you not?” Dorian didn’t even bother looking at Bull.

“That was from you? You gave that note to Alexius’ son?” Banreas asked.

“Yes, I did. I’m sure Felix put on a good show. Magister Alexius was once my mentor, so my assistance will no doubt prove invaluable,” Dorian said smugly. Banreas heard Solas’ snort behind her.

“Are _you_ a magister?” Cassandra asked as she stepped forward; she flexed her hands at him for good measure.

“Alright then, let’s get this over and done with. I’ll say this just the once: I am a mage from Tevinter, but I am not a member of the Magisterium. There, happy?” Dorian said haughtily. He turned back to Banreas. “You must know that you are in great danger. You must be wondering how Alexius procured the rebel mage’s allegiance before the Inquisition could, are you not?” he raised his eyebrows at her.

“Yes, that and why it would appear that the Grand Enchanter has no recollection of meeting me,” Banreas said.

“Alexius distorted time itself. He must have gone back in time to speak with the Grand Enchanter _before_ she approached you. That rift you just closed, it distorts the time and space around it. Soon, there will be more like it around Thedas. The magic is unstable, and it will unravel the world,” he said darkly.

“You seem very well informed. How do you know all of this? Why help me?” Banreas was still wary.

“Because I helped develop this magic. When I was Alexius’ apprentice, this magic was just _theory!_ I don’t understand how he got it to work. I fail to see what he would gain from all of this,” he said in frustration. Banreas’ ear twitched and she heard the quiet creak of a door being opened.

“I do,” a light voice rang out from the darkness. Alexius’ son, Felix, came to stand by Dorian. The two men nodded at each other.

“My father has joined a Tevinter supremacists group called the Venatori,” Felix said.

“Venatori _?_ We ran into them at the Storm Coast, right Sparky?” Varric asked Banreas. She nodded at him absentmindedly, lost in thought.  

“Whatever my father is doing for the Venatori, he’s doing it to get to _you_ ,” Felix’s eyes seemed sad as he pointed at Banreas.

Banreas suddenly felt lightheaded and she felt queasy. She clenched her teeth together as she felt the sweat forming at the nape of her neck. _Me? But why me? What could the Venatori want from me?_ She was at a loss. She pinched the bridge of her nose and turned away from Felix. She shuffled over to the statue of Andraste at the front of the room. She stared into the statue’s eyes, hoping that an answer would come to her. She heard Felix and Dorian saying their goodbyes while she agonized over what to do next.

“Banreas?” Solas asked in hushed tones. She hummed in acknowledgement. Solas had been uncharacteristically quiet since they arrived, and he seemed to be deeply troubled.

“What do you think, Solas?” she whispered to him so the others couldn’t hear. She looked back at her companions who were talking to Dorian. Solas followed her gaze for a moment and then moved closer to her.

“This is truly unexpected. This magic is dangerous; to know that it is being used with a complete disregard of the consequences…” he said softly. As he spoke, Banreas involuntarily leaned toward him; he was so close that his warm breath tickled her ears. When he finished his sentence, she realized that she had angled her head and tilted it in his direction. She found that being near him was pleasant. With a sigh, she stiffened and straightened up.

“I know. We need to go back to Haven and warn the others. The mages can’t be left under the Magister’s charge,” she said resolutely. Solas’ lips parted just a bit and Banreas got the feeling he was attempting to fight a smile.

“You believe that this is the correct course of action?” he asked. _What is he getting at?_ Banreas nodded at him.

“Hmm,” his lips spread into a grin. Sometimes when he smiled, she felt a strange urge to reach out and touch his lips. She felt that way now…

“ _Hmm_ , what?” she asked.

“Nothing. I agree with you,” he said matter-of-factly. She raised her eyebrows at him.

“What? You are often right; I am sure we agree on many things,” he said lightly.

“Really? Well, you don’t tell me,” she challenged with a coy smile. His eyes roamed her face before pausing at her lips. His sudden fixation made her stomach flip and she stopped breathing altogether.

“I’ll make a point to tell you more often then,” he said with a silvery voice. Their conversation had taken an unexpected turn. Although she often had a hard time reading him, she was almost certain he was flirting.

“What are you two whispering about?” Varric asked abruptly. By the time Banreas turned to Varric, she already wore a flat expression.

“Nothing. We need to go back to Haven,” she said as she walked toward the others.

“Yes, I agree. This is concerning,” Cassandra said gravely.

“Splendid! I will tag along. I know Alexius; he is strong willed, and it is very unlikely he will abandon whatever course he is set on,” Dorian said firmly. Banreas nodded in agreement.

“Alright then, we better get going,” Banreas made for the doors when Bull’s voice rang out.

“Okay, we gotta get you a helmet first, Boss,” Banreas froze.

“A helmet? A helmet for what?” she asked, baffled.

“For the dragon! Wouldn’t want your head to get bitten of now, would you?” Bull chuckled and winked at her with his good eye.

Banreas’ heart dropped all the way to her feet. _Oh no, I forgot about the dragon…_

“Excuse me, what did you just say? There’s a dragon?” Dorian asked, his voice tinged with panic.

“Bull, is there any chance we could revisit the dragon situation at a later time?” Banreas held little hope that she would sway the Qunari.

“ _At a later time?!”_ Bull said loudly as he held up his hand with his fingers splayed apart. “First, mages in Redcliffe, then you have the Magister, then the time magic…” he began, bringing his fingers down one by one.

“I GET IT! _Imagine the chaos._ Yes, I know! Let’s go then!” Banreas shouted as she stormed off.

“Yes! Drinks are on me later!” she heard Bull say.

 _If we even live through this_ , she thought darkly. If they did survive, the Iron Bull owed her more than one drink.

* * *

 

“WHEN I SAID I WOULD TAG ALONG, THIS IS NOT WHAT I HAD IN MIND!” Dorian bellowed at Banreas. She and Dorian stood on either side of a shallow ravine right in front of a Ferelden Frostback. It was the first dragon she had ever seen, and she hoped it would be her last. The dragon reared back and inhaled deeply; its chest rumbled and glowed a bright orange as it prepared to rain fire down on them.

“Keep a barrier on Bull, I don’t have eyes on him!” Banreas roared back as she focused on keeping a barrier on Cassandra and Varric.

Now that she had been dragged all the way down into valley, she could see why the Inquisition scouts were so concerned. The dragon had wreaked havoc in the area in its hunt for food. She had been convinced that the dragon was a problem, and at the moment her sole focus was on the dragon’s head. She would entertain Dorian’s complaints later.

“You don’t have eyes on the Qunari the size of a mountain?!” Dorian shouted as he dodged the dragon’s fiery breath; he flicked his staff and cast a sheet of ice at the dragon’s head. He continued his tirade. “I’ve got a great view! He’s over here swinging his axe like a murderous brute!”

“ _KEEP A BARRIER ON BULL_!” Banreas repeated. She lost her patience a long time ago. Varric rolled into her view and knelt on one knee in front of her. He steadied his crossbow as he tracked the dragon’s head.

“That mage is quite the talker, isn’t he?” Varric asked coolly as he fired a bolt into the dragon’s eye. “I think he likes hearing himself talk, don’t you?” he asked as he staggered back; the dragon issued a panicked roar and shook out it’s head.

“I think everyone is talking too much!” Banreas shot back. She grabbed Varric by the back of his coat and swung him back behind her. Banreas somersaulted backward as the dragon began to use its head to sweep back and forth. The dragon was truly frenzied now.

Feeling, hot, tired, and beyond agitated, Banreas took off the helmet the Iron Bull bought for her and tossed it at the dragon’s head. She swung her staff and unleashed a crackle of lightning at the beast and with a flick of her staff blade she cast a crisp chill at the dragon’s head. Solas had been teaching her to cast magic from both ends of her staff; it made her faster and more efficient. Cassandra came charging at the beast as its head sunk low to the ground and stabbed it’s already injured eye.

“Herald, why would you throw your helmet?” she asked in astonishment.

“Keep aiming for its head!” Banreas shouted. Solas appeared on her left and shot icicles up and down the dragon’s head and neck. _At least someone is listening to me,_ she thought. Suddenly, the Iron Bull came spinning into her view; there truly was no other way of putting it. Bull came from underneath the dragon, swinging his great axe in a wide circle. As wild as he appeared, she understood what he was doing; he was aiming for the back of the dragon’s legs.

It did the trick. The dragon now staggered on one good leg. _Not much longer now…_

“Boss, where is your helmet?” Bull screamed.

 _"Sod the fucking helmet!_ " she screamed. A sudden fury overcame her; a fury akin to a feeling that plagued her past. Banreas became unaware of everyone else around her; she zeroed in on her target and unleashed a loud battle cry. She darted around the dragon’s legs, gathering energy in her staff. Her right hand reached for one of her double-sided daggers and she charged at the dragon’s head. She coated her dagger in a sheet of ice, released a barrage of lightning, and then drove her dagger through the side of its head.

The dragon issued a strange, strangled sound and it sank to the ground. Banreas took advantage, leaped on top of the dragon’s head, and drove her dagger through the top of its head one last time. It dropped to the ground, causing the earth to rumble beneath it. Banreas jumped off and turned to face the beast. She focused on steadying her breath as her heart began to slow down.

Her blood boiled in her veins and her magic buzzed throughout her body. She placed her hand on the beast before her and closed her eyes as she tried to come down from the high of battle. She opened her eyes and took the time to look at the dragon. It was truly remarkable and unbelievably beautiful. She suddenly felt sad and sorry for the beast.

“My, my, my… the Herald of Andraste!” Dorian said as he sauntered over to her. He produced a cloth from his side pouch and began to wipe off his staff blade.

“That was quite the show. _Captivating._ Tell me, where did you learn to fight like that? I’d love to sign up,” He said with a wink. _You most certainly do not want to sign up…_ she thought darkly. If it weren’t for the fact that the mage was devilishly handsome, Banreas would have gotten quite angry with him. She shrugged at him and sighed. _It’s not like I can tell him anyway._

“No? Won’t share your secrets? Come now, don’t I get _something_ for being showered in dragon’s blood?” he asked as he stood before her and crossed his arms. He shot her a sly smile as he looked her up and down. _Stupid, beautiful man!_

“This?” Banreas said as she pointed at her dagger. She opened and closed her mouth, testing out the words before she said them; making sure it was something she could actually say.

“Its been a long time…” that was all she could share. She began to walk away from the bloody scene and Dorian looked slightly crestfallen.

“As for something for your troubles, you get free drinks from the murderous Qunari,” she said as she tried to keep her tone light. She pointed at Bull; the Qunari was in the middle of removing a tooth from the dragon when he looked up at them.

“I dunno, Boss. You think the ale at Haven will be good enough for the ‘Vint?” Bull asked quietly.

“I’m right here, you know…” Dorian shot Bull a scathing look.

“Now, now, Tiny. Be nice. Hurry up and grab your trophies. We really are covered in dragon’s blood and I for one would love to take a bath,” Varric said as he came up to Banreas and patted her arm.

“You know, the flashy mage is right, Sparky. You don’t share much,” Varric kept his voice low so the others wouldn’t hear.

“Mmmhmm,” Banreas said with a sigh. She liked Varric quite a bit, and if she were to tell anyone about _anything,_ it would be Varric.  _And Cullen..._  She reverted to type and switched to deflecting any further questions.

“Speaking of sharing secrets…” She murmured and then paused, looking for Cassandra. Cassandra was busy packing away dragon scales in her side pouch.

“Why won’t you tell Cassandra where the Champion of Kirkwall is? Don’t try lying to me, you’ll hurt my feelings,” She whispered as she gave him a wicked grin. Varric threw his hands up and shook his head.

“You’re really good at that, you know?” he said as his mouth twisted with disappointment.

“Good at what?” she asked, feigning shock to hide her guilt; Banreas knew what he meant.

“Never mind. Drinks first, then I’ll tell you. I’ll be the first to take the leap of faith,” he said as he gave her a knowing look.

Varric walked away from Banreas, leaving her a little lost, a little guilty and covered in dragon’s blood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Banreas is definitely trying to come out of her shell. Fighting a dragon brings out the (best?) in people!


	14. Revelation, Celebration and a Leap of Faith

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Banreas and her party arrive back at Haven after slaying a dragon with a new companion in tow. She later shares an intimate moment with Solas and it awakens something in her that she never knew she could feel. 
> 
> Celebrations are in order and she has quite a few drinks and Varric takes a leap of faith.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Savhalla = Hello/Salutations  
> Maraas-Lok = Qunlat for To drink/Strong Qunari Liqour.

The moment Banreas saw Haven’s gates, she felt like collapsing. She was utterly exhausted, and she was in desperate need of a bath. None of her companions had been able to wash all the dragon’s blood out of their clothes.

“So, this is Haven? How quaint…” Dorian remarked as Banreas and her party walked through Haven’s gates. Dorian had one hand under his chin as he scrutinized the town. Banreas narrowed her eyes at him.

“I like Haven, the people here are kind. You’ll like it,” Banreas said confidently. Dorian smiled at her warmly.

“Forgive me if I don’t take your word for it yet. I stick out like a sore thumb. You would think I have _magister_ written on my forehead,” Dorian pointed to his head as he spoke and then leaned in close to Banreas.

“I think I’ll stick close to you, if you don’t mind,” he whispered. She smiled at him reassuringly.

“Of course. I’ll make sure you feel welcome,” she said as she crossed her arms behind her back and swayed side to side. She liked the idea of having the handsome mage close by.

As usual, Cullen was the first person to greet them all at the gates. At first, Banreas was happy to see the Commander as he always seemed to make her feel relieved. But then, she remembered the blood stains on all their clothes and armor. She felt a wild urge to flee when Cullen’s face began to show signs of distress.

“Who’s that man there? He doesn’t look too pleased to see us. I thought you said the people here were kind?” Dorian asked apprehensively.

“Uh, that’s the Commander of the Inquisition’s forces. He’s looking at our clothes…” Banreas’ sentence trailed off as she tried to come up with an excuse. She had just settled on blaming everything on the Iron Bull when Cassandra sprinted toward Cullen.

“Oh Cullen, you won’t believe what happened!” Cassandra’s voice practically sang with joy. She stopped in front of him and placed her hands on his chest, gazing up at him with adoration. Banreas mouth dropped open in shock; she had never seen Cassandra act in such a way.

“Well, I can guess. Maker, you’re all covered in blood!” Cullen exclaimed as he grabbed Cassandra’s face.

“Yes, we fought a dragon, it was extraordinary! Oh, I wish you had been there! You should have seen the Herald!” Cassandra said gleefully. Cullen’s face began to ashen.

“A what…?” he asked, horrified.

“A dragon!” Cassandra said again, she was smiling from ear to ear.

“My dear, what exactly am I witnessing right now?” Dorian asked as he covertly covered his mouth to whisper to Banreas.

“Aw, look at her! Isn’t that cute? I’m going to have to capture this moment in my next book,” Varric teased.

“I suggest we take this opportunity to escape, don’t you? Banreas, may we speak later?” Solas appeared by her side; he wore a hopeful expression. _What does he want to talk about?_ She suddenly felt nervous. She nodded at him. He smiled at her and gave a small bow before walking away.

“Don’t forget; drinks tonight!” Bull called out after Solas; Solas didn’t turn around and instead waved his hand in the air to acknowledge the Qunari. Bull came over and slapped Banreas on the back.

“ _Ouch!_ Bull!” she grumbled. Bull winced apologetically.

“Oops, felt that one. You’ll be there right? I’ve still got a couple casks of the good stuff left,” Bull said proudly.

“Yes, yes. I’ll be there,” Banreas mumbled as she tried to reach behind her to massage her back. Bull went on his merry way.

“Interesting friends you have; especially the Qunari,” Dorian sounded skeptical.

“Don’t worry, he’ll grow on you,” Banreas assured him. It was clear Dorian didn’t believe her. “Come on, I’ll show you were the Chantry is and introduce you to the Inquisition’s ambassador. She’ll find you somewhere to sleep,” she said as she wove her hands into the crook of Dorian’s arm.

“Ah, look at that! Someone with manners. Thank you,” Dorian said earnestly as he patted her hands. Banreas smiled to herself and led the way to the Chantry.

* * *

Banreas dragged her feet up the stairs toward her room. She left Dorian in Josephine’s office and found the opportunity to escape when the two began to rant about the cold mountain air. She arrived at her door and inhaled deeply, readying herself for Sera. She exhaled slowly and opened the door.

She looked around the room and found it empty. Banreas found herself slightly disappointed; she had missed Sera. She also felt nervous. This was the first time she had been alone in almost a week. She stepped in the room and closed the door behind her. Their room wasn’t big, but she felt odd about having the space to herself.

Banreas tip toed around Sera’s clothes on the floor and made her way over to her side of the room. Banreas’ half of the room contained a small bed and a wooden chest that Rosala let her borrow. She had a chair propped up by the window; her favorite place to read. Sera on the other hand had things tossed all over. Colorful wicker baskets surrounded her bed and little sketches adorned her wall. Sera’s clothes appeared to be thrown around haphazardly; Banreas could just picture Sera attempting to get dressed and discarding her unwanted clothing.

Banreas reached her bed and propped her staff up against the wall. She removed her daggers from her side and placed them inside the wooden chest. She took off her heavy enchanted coat, folded it and then placed it in the wash pile. She was about to pull off her shirt when she noticed a note on her pillow. She picked the note up and instantly recognized Sera’s handwriting.

_Herald._

_Taking a long time._

_Meeting a Jenny who says some posh head is poking his nose where he shouldn’t._

_Next time you’ll come, yeah? See the Jennys in action!_

Beneath the text was a strange doodle of what Banreas could only assume was she and Sera arm in arm; Banreas was shooting green lightning bolts form her left hand at an Orlesian noble on the ground.

“ _Wow!"_  Banreas threw her head back and laughed. Sera was certainly a character. Banreas folded the small note and knelt at the foot of her bed. She reached under and pulled out a small box. She placed the note inside the box with all the letters she had been collecting. She did not have many possessions and all the letters she received were like small treasures.

Banreas put the small box back in its place and continued to undress. She walked over to the tub behind a partition intending to cast a glyph to fill it with water. Before she could do so she caught a glimpse of herself in the full-length mirror by the tub. She felt compelled to look.

She stood and stared for a moment. Her eyes were first drawn to the ugly, twisted scar on her left shoulder. Her eyes roamed over the rest of her body; she was littered with scars. She ran her fingers over the raised skin, her breasts, and her thighs. Her lips turned down as she was overcome with shame and hatred. She leaned in close to the mirror and opened up her eye; scrutinizing her pupil. It was normal. It had been normal for the past three years. She stepped back and sighed. Ever since she dreamt of Terror, she found herself checking her eyes several times a day. She was looking for the large pupils and lifeless eyes…

Banreas abandoned the mirror and prepared to bathe. She wondered why she could never hold on to happiness; her fears, pain, and memories always found their way back. She bathed hastily; intending on crawling into her bed and hiding for a bit. She dawned a green tunic with dark leathers and laid down on her bed. She buried her face in a pillow as she was filled with an overwhelming sense of dread.

Just as she readied herself for the tears she felt coming to the surface, a knock sounded at her door. She shot up and rubbed her face and put on a neutral mask. With one final sigh, she walked over to the door and opened it.

It was Solas. He smiled at her warmly and his eyes were bright. He had also bathed, and he sported fresh clothes. He always smelled like fresh morning dew; it was slightly intoxicating. Banreas had only cracked open the door and she leaned on it heavily, unsure if she should let him in. Solas craned his head to investigate the room and raised his eyebrows. It suddenly hit her that Solas had asked to speak with her earlier.

“Savhalla,” she greeted him quietly. His smile widened.

“May I come in?” he asked. Banreas wasn’t ready for any sort of interaction, but she was reluctant to turn him away. She opened the door all the way and stepped to the side. He walked into the room and she closed the door behind him. With his hands clasped behind his back, he walked over Sera’s clothes and chuckled.

“How do you live with her?” he asked in amusement. Banreas shrugged her shoulders and smiled.

“She’s quite funny and she has the best stories,” she replied.

“I see,” he said as he walked over to her side of the room and took a seat at the foot of her bed. He sat cross legged with his hands on his knees. Banreas’ heart began to beat faster. _He’s sitting on my bed. What does he want?_

“Is there something you needed?” she prompted. She took a step toward her bed and crossed her arms behind her back. Solas shook his head and laughed.

“I was not aware that I needed a reason to speak with you. I simply sought your company, and I can see that comes as a shock to you,” his voice sounded sad. Banreas shuffled on her feet nervously, unsure of what to do. _Well, I’m quite sure its rude to stand while a man sits on my bed._ Banreas sat down beside him and began to worry her bottom lip.

She turned to him and smiled apologetically. “You… you don’t need a reason to talk to me, I am sorry,” Banreas looked down and began to fiddle with a stray thread on her blanket. The movement caused her hair to fall forward over her shoulder. Mortified, Banreas sat up straight and smoothed her hair back. She hated having her hair down; she felt it drew too much attention to her face. She began gathering her hair in her hands when Solas stopped her.

Solas grasped her hands. “Don’t apologize,” he gathered her hair in his hands and Banreas froze.

“May I?” he had already gotten up to kneel behind her. His hands didn’t move, he held her hair in a ponytail at the nape of her neck; waiting.

Fear and panic wracked her mind and body. All her years of darkness and torture taught her not to trust a man that came this close. A man this close only wanted one thing… She thought of Terror and Antoine and she wanted to cry.

But Solas was different, deep down she knew that. _He won’t hurt me, he won’t hurt me_ , _he won’t hurt met,_ she chanted to herself. He patiently waited for permission. She took one long, deep breath to steady herself and nodded. She braced herself for his touch and tried to acclimate to having someone _behind_ her.

He immediately set to work and gently ran his fingers through her hair. The feel of his fingers grazing her scalp electrified her head and sent shivers down her spine. She moaned involuntarily. Solas hummed appreciatively as he split her hair down the middle.

“And here I thought giving you a gift would be difficult. I did not think an opportunity such as this would present itself,” he mused.

“A gift? What gift?” Barneas resisted the urge to turn back and look at him.

He laughed lightly. “You’ll see,” he started on the right side of her head. He gathered strands of hair at her forehead and began to braid downward; gathering more hair as he went along. Banreas was stunned.

“Solas, who taught you this?” she made no attempt to hide her shock. She tried to remember who the last person was that braided her hair. _Marel, it was Marel…_ The memory was sweet, and she tried to remember it for what it was; a happy moment.

“Where I am from, every mother teaches her children to mind each other’s hair. You’d be hard pressed to find someone that didn’t know how to braid,” he finished braiding her right side and grabbed her hand to hold it in place. He moved on to the left. “Truth be told, I find it strange that men here do not know how to care for a woman’s hair,” he truly sounded disappointed.

Banreas let him work and closed her eyes. At first, feeling him behind her was unsettling. But as time passed, she realized she liked it. She liked it a lot. Her body relaxed and she leaned back into him. She began to hum an old melody.

“That is sweet. What is the name of the song?” he asked as he finished with the left side of her head. He brought the two braids together and began to spin them into a bun.

“I don’t know. It’s a lullaby my mother used to sing to me,” she said. She heard Solas inhale sharply.

“Your mother?” he asked in surprise. She realized what she had done. She had never spoken to _a_ _nyone_ about her family. _Watch yourself,_ she chided. She simply nodded and said nothing more. He didn’t press the issue. She realized he was done with the braided crown and the intricate bun he created, and she pointed to a leather band on top of a dresser by the wall. She held the bun in place as he got up to grab it.

He returned to kneel behind her and tied the bun in place. She heard him rustle behind her and he held out his hand for her to look at. In his hand was a small gorgeous hair comb; it had green emeralds intertwined with golden leaves.

Banreas gasped in shock. “Solas, you can’t –" Solas removed the comb from her view.

“I can, and I _am,”_ he said firmly. He placed the comb in her hair at the top of the bun. “My gift to you,”

“Solas, I have nothing to give you in return,” she looked around her room hoping something would materialize. It had been a long time since she belonged to a clan, but it was Dalish custom to exchange gifts.

“Seeing you wear it is a gift in and of itself. Don’t worry yourself with finding a gift,” he said. She sat up on her knees and turned to face him. The expression she caught on his face took her breath away.

Longing.

She blinked and his face had already changed. He smiled at her sweetly. _Am I wrong? Did I imagine that? I am wrong. You’re being stupid and naïve,_ she warred with herself. Solas grabbed her chin and tilted her head from side to side, inspecting his work. He smiled wider at her.

“Perfect,” he breathed. His eyes bored into hers. His eyes were endless. And he was close. Very close. Her heart pounded in her chest so loudly she wondered if he could hear it. She lost herself in his eyes; an endless sea of blue. _What is wrong with me?_ She placed a hand on his chest over his heart and she was shocked by what she felt. His heart drummed just as fast as her own. Now _that_ she had not imagined.

Deep down she felt as if a fire was being stoked back to life, her heart began to ache. She opened her mouth to speak. She wanted to know what he was thinking.

“BOSS! I OPENED THE CASKS!” Bull roared from down below in the tavern.

“ _I_ OPENED THE CASKS! WITH AN AXE! _AGAIN!_ ” That was Krem, the Chargers’ second in command, and he was clearly irritated. Solas and Banreas both jumped at the sound of the shouting. Solas laughed heartily and rose from the bed.

“Come, it appears you’re being summoned,” he walked toward the door. Banreas followed him in a daze, feeling unsatisfied.

_I’m going to kill that Qunari._

* * *

Banreas leaned with her back up against the wall by the tavern door, a glass of red wine in her hands. The tavern was full and the innkeeper, Flissa, could barely keep up. Apparently, the Iron Bull invited all of Haven to join in on the festivities and the crowd had spilled outside. It was so loud inside the tavern Banreas had half a mind to slip outside, but she knew Bull would be disappointed.  

Dalish, a member of the Chargers who was in fact Dalish, pranced over to Banreas and attempted to pull on her arm. She was pleasant to look at; her blonde hair was shaved on the left and combed over to the right. Banreas was keenly aware that Dalish had been flirting with her all night, and while Banreas was not sure how she felt about it; she was very distracted.

Solas sat at the bar counter chatting lightly with Dorian, and she couldn’t take her eyes off him. Banreas felt like she was looking at him for the first time. Had his back always looked so strong? Had his legs always been so long and lean?

“Come along, Herald. The Chief wants you!” Dalish sang, the sweet smell of mead on her breath. Dalish took advantage of Banreas’ distraction and pulled her off the wall. Banreas shuffled behind Dalish as she was pulled toward the center of the tavern. The Iron Bull had created a clearing and he was using Krem to re-enact their battle with the dragon. Bull spotted Banreas and pointed at her.

“And then the Herald comes over…” Bull roared as he made a fist and pounded the top of Krem’s head. “And she drives her dagger through its head!”

“ACK! Chief!” Krem complained as he pushed Bull off him. Bull guffawed and slapped his leg. Dalish smoothly removed the glass of red wine from Banreas’ hands and the Iron Bull handed her a small cup.

“Maraas-Lok!” Bull shouted as he tapped his cup to hers and chugged his drink. Bull shivered, made a satisfied sound and waited for Banreas to drink. _Oh dear…_ she thought as she eyed the drink apprehensively. Banreas brought the cup to her lips and downed the liquid. It burned like fire, brought tears to her eyes, and she puckered her lips.

The crowd cheered. The Iron Bull pounded his chest and walked over to Banreas. He pressed his forehead to hers.

“I knew you were a warrior at heart. Good on you, Boss,” Bull said with a wink. Banreas was at a loss for words. Something about what he said struck a chord in heart, and it hurt. _A warrior at heart…_ Banreas tried to keep her cool and shot him a smile.

She became acutely aware of all the bodies in the room. The air became thick, hot, and heavy. Banreas fleetingly thought of Solas and how she wanted to run to him. But her urge to escape became overwhelming. She took a step back and Dalish threw an arm around her waist. Banreas would have been fine with it, but she was already in a panic. She froze, she wanted to scream, to shout, to tell the walls to stop closing in on her…

“Hey there Firecracker! Let’s take a walk!” it was Varric. The relief must have been evident on her face; Varric raised his eyebrows at her and tapped Dalish on the forearm. Dalish reluctantly let go of Banreas and Varric led the way out of the tavern.

Banreas stumbled out of the door and the cold winter air washed over her skin. The small of her back was drenched in sweat and she pulled out her tunic that was tucked into her pants. Varric grabbed her hand and led her away from the crowd completely. Before she knew it, she found that he had led her to the frozen lake. It was mostly quiet; echoes of laughter and music reached them from the tavern.

“That happens a lot, doesn’t it?” it didn’t really sound like Varric was asking, he already knew. Banreas threw herself down onto the ground and splayed out. She lay on her back staring up at the night sky.

“Yes,” she answered simply. Varric grabbed her by the hand again and yanked her up.

“Don’t do that! You’ll mess up your hair, it’s a good look on you Firecracker,” he chastised. Banreas smiled apologetically and sat up. She brought her knees to her chest and closed her eyes, willing the world to stop spinning.

“I can tell you’ve been through some shit,” Varric started as he pulled out a bottle and two small cups from his pouch. “You don’t have to tell me what’s what. Just try and stay away from crowds, kid,” he smiled at her kindly. He poured wine in the cups and handed her one.

“Thank you, Varric. Really,” she hoped he could feel her sincerity. She took the cup graciously and rolled it in her hands.

“I know you mean that. Thanks, Firecracker. Ready for that leap of faith?” Varric asked as he took a seat next to her. Banreas’ eyes widened, and she smiled from ear to ear. Even though she couldn’t share any of her secrets, she loved hearing other people’s secrets. She nodded at him excitedly. Varric pointed to her cup.

“Drink,” he ordered. They both tapped their cups together and took a sip. Banreas sighed happily, it was sweet and tasted like black currants; nothing like what Bull had given her.

“So, given that you didn’t even know the Champion of Kirkwall’s name; what _do_ you know about what happened?” Varric asked skeptically. Banreas sighed. Once the Circle had taken her in, it was like playing catch up. There was a long period of time in which Banreas learned nothing from the world. _Ten long years in the dark…_ The events of Kirkwall didn’t really interest her at the time; she was mostly concerned with studying.  

“Assume I lived under a rock,” she said sarcastically, referencing one of her first conversations with the dwarf. Varric rolled his eyes and scratched his chin.

“Oh, where to start?” he asked himself as he refilled their cups. “Drink,” he ordered again. She quickly did as he asked; waiting patiently.

“Okay. First things first; I’m going to give you a book, Tale of the Champion. And you’re going to read it, got it?” he asked. Banreas nodded astutely. Varric reached into another pouch and pulled out a book. He handed it to her. She beamed at him. _Two gifts on the same day!_ She opened the book and buried her nose in it.

“No! Not now, Firecracker! Andraste’s tits…” Varric exclaimed. Banreas sucked in her lips as she hid the book behind her. She smiled at him sheepishly.

“I’m giving it to you so I don’t have to tell you all that crap. It’s not really my favorite subject. Anyway, I will tell you this,” Varric downed his wine and smacked his lips. “Chuckles and I… We had no idea Anders-“

“Anders? Who is that?” Banreas blurted out. Varric’s jaw dropped and he closed his eyes. He pinched the bridge of his nose and muttered unintelligibly.

“Just roll with me here, okay?” Varric wagged his finger in a circle. “Chuckles and I had no idea Anders was going to blow up the Chantry. No matter what anyone says or what you hear. After that, Meredith ordered the Rite of Annulment… you know what that is right?” Varric paused to glare at her. Banreas narrowed her eyes at him and opened her mouth to protest.

“Good! Just checking. Anyway, Hawke had to make a choice and he decided he’d help protect the mages. A lot of people died, and it didn’t end well. Hawke thought that the Divine was going to start an Exalted March on Kirkwall; he thought it was better if he left. We all went our separate ways; he thought it would make things easier…” from the sound of it, it looked like nothing had been easy for Varric. Banreas stared at him open mouthed, captivated.

“Hawke has a brother and sister, twins. Even they had to leave him. I know where he is, I just…” Varric paused as he stared off into the distance. “What has he gotten for all that he’s done? He’s been in hiding now for Maker knows how long! What’s he going to get for joining the Inquisition? _Thanks for the help Hawke, now let’s talk about what happened at Kirkwall_ ,” Varric shook his head and looked over at Banreas.

“I get it, Varric. So, what now?” Banreas whispered.

Varric shrugged. “I dunno, hope that the Hero of Ferelden answers the Seeker? I’ve been keeping Hawke updated about all this crap, as you know,” he gave her a side eye and Banreas grinned. He poured more wine in their cups.

“So, that’s my leap of faith, Firecracker. You gotta promise not to tell the Seeker. She’ll wring my neck,” Varric looked over at her expectantly.

“Your secret is safe with me, dwarf. I’m good at that, remember?” Banreas playfully made a show of sealing her lips and throwing away an imaginary key.

Varric threw his arm around her neck and shook her in a friendly way. “You’re a good person, Firecracker. Thank you. Enough with the heavy stuff, I’ve got a good story for you,” he began.

As Banreas listened to him, she vowed to find a way to pay him back. Not just for the gift, but for his honesty, trust, and compassion. She vowed to find her own way to take a leap of faith.


	15. Jealousy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Solas finds that he's had far too much to drink and he is plagued with guilt.  
> And jealousy. 
> 
> His jealousy leads him to follow after Banreas after she leaves the Singing Maiden with Varric. Once he finds her, she reveals that she has a gift for him.  
> The gift is not what he expected and it leaves him yearning for more.

Solas knew he should not have been so reckless, but he had no room to pity himself. He should never have asked to come inside Banreas' room. He should never have gotten so close. He shouldn't have enjoyed the sound she made when he ran his fingers through her hair.

This was all his fault; he had been thinking of giving her a gift for days. He bought the small comb back in Redcliffe while the Iron Bull was buying Banreas a helmet. He had been waiting for an opportunity to present it to her, and he never expected the moment to be so seemingly intimate. He never expected that he would get so close that he wanted to kiss her…

Solas downed the liquor in his cup and savored the way it warmed his throat. He sat at the tavern’s bar counter by himself. Dorian, the mage that Banreas seemed to be quite taken with, had finally shuffled off to speak with Josephine and Leliana. Flissa happened to walk by and he used two fingers to tap the side of his cup. Flissa nodded and poured him another shot; Solas nodded graciously. He brought the cup up to his forehead and closed his eyes.

 _Why is everything becoming so complicated?_ When he first met Banreas, his main concern was trying to find a way to remove the Anchor from her hand. How did things change so fast?

Solas’ eyes shot open and his ears twitched. It was a peculiar feeling… the hair on his arms stood up and he felt… _not feel; it is the absence of something… Banreas._ Her aura was strong, and he had gotten so used to it he could usually sense her before he saw her. He turned around on his stool and scanned the tavern. The tavern was packed full of people and he was forced to stand up to continue his search. _There._ He caught her right before she walked through the door, trailing behind Varric.

 _And there it is again_. He sat back down and brought his cup to his lips. This time, he held the liquor in his mouth and let it burn his tongue and warm his cheeks before he swallowed it. His stomach twisted. Varric and Banreas seemed to be close. It appeared that Varric had earned her trust easily and he had coaxed out more from her than anyone else had. _More than I have,_ he thought bitterly. Why is that he had to tread so lightly with her? Solas sighed and tapped the side of his cup again.

Flissa walked over to him with a bottle in hand, her eyes wide with shock. “Another? Are you sure?” she held the bottle slightly tilted, ready to pour.

“Yes,” he muttered. Flissa shrugged her shoulders and refilled his cup. Solas once again brought the cup to his lips, held the liquor in his mouth and let it burn. He knew why he had to tread so lightly with Banreas. They both had secrets. Solas was certain Varric wasn’t hiding anything like what he was hiding, so of course it was easy for the dwarf to get closer to her. Solas swallowed hard and balled his fists.

He was jealous. And he had no right to be. In truth, Banreas had not given any inclination that she was attracted to the dwarf; but that wasn’t the reason he was jealous. He was jealous that someone else could make her peel with laughter; he was jealous that someone else had chipped away at her hardened exterior.

He was being incredibly selfish. _I am a fool._ He squeezed the cup in his hands and closed his eyes once more. _Why did she look at me that way earlier? Why did she put her hand over my heart?_ He asked himself. As he re-lived that moment in her room, he came to the realization that Banreas had been gone for a long time now. He rose from his seat and scanned the crowd once again. _She isn’t here, I would have felt it if she was._ He felt a strong impulse to go find her. He pinched the bridge of his nose and tried to think through the sudden fog that filled his mind. Solas decided to get fresh air instead.

Once he made it outside, he breathed a sigh of relief. The cold air served to sharpen his mind. Although he was no light weight, he had certainly drunk too much too quickly. There was a rather large crowd outside the tavern, and he couldn’t help but search for Banreas. She wasn’t among the people there either. _Where is she?_ He gritted his teeth and began to grind his them back and forth. _I am NOT going to look for her…_ he told himself.

“Hey, you,” someone called out to him. He looked over to his right and saw Krem emerge from the tavern. Krem had a cup in his hands and he grinned deviously. “The Chief says you need to relax. This is the last of it from the casks. Cheers!” Krem handed Solas the cup and clapped him on the back before walking back into the tavern.

Solas brought the cup up to his nose and winced; he knew this one would hurt. He downed the liquid and shook his head vigorously. He got a prickly feeling all over his body and he suddenly felt very hot. He tossed his cup on the ground and began to walk away from the tavern.

_I’m going to find her._

* * *

Solas followed two pairs of footsteps; Varric’s footsteps were much easier to make out. They led him out past the town’s gates and the thought that the two of them had walked this far out made him uneasy. The path he was on led him toward the frozen lake, he often frequented the area himself. The path to the lake was a little steep and heavily wooded. As he made his way down the hill, he could hear Banreas’ trilling laughter echo in the trees. His heart panged with longing. He finally reached the end of the path and cleared the woods and he spotted the two.

They had started a fire and they were both drinking. Varric stood in front of Banreas who sat on a log, doubled over in laughter.

“Wait, wait, wait! Let me finish, Firecracker!” Varric snorted. Banreas made a show of sitting up straight and staring at the dwarf pointedly.

“I’m listening,” she sang.

“Anyway, after those dusters got out of jail, they became regulars in our weekly game. He always sent them home naked without a coin to their name!” Varric laughed and clapped his hands together. She peeled with laughter once again. Solas couldn’t help but smile. Her laughter was such a beautiful sound, it was pure and wholesome.

Solas approached the two with his hands behind his back. “It appears the real party is over here, what have I missed?” Banreas abruptly stopped laughing and her mouth dropped open. Her eyes glistened and her cheeks were rosy from drinking. She tilted her head to the side, scrutinizing him as a slow toothy grin emerged. _Beautiful._

“Oh, welcome Chuckles!” Varric said as he gestured to the fire and the log. Solas nodded at him.

“You were gone for quite some time. People have begun to notice,” Solas remarked as he glanced over at Banreas. It was only a small white lie. _I certainly noticed._

“Yeah, well. It was getting a little stuffy in there,” Varric paused and looked at Banreas with concern. “You feelin’ okay to go back, Firecracker?”

Banreas bowed her head at Varric, “I am fine now. I think I can go back,” she grabbed a book that lay behind her and stood up, clutching it to her chest.

 _What, she wasn’t feeling well? That is why she left?_ Solas cursed himself. He had gotten so jealous over nothing. His jealousy turned into worry as he walked over to her and grasped her hands.

“What happened lethal’lan? Why didn’t you come to me if you were unwell?” he could hear the strain in his voice. He placed the back of his hand against her forehead; she was a little clammy and warm. _A fever maybe?_ He thought. _This_ is what changed. Every time she winced, pause to grab her left hand, slowed down to collect herself; he was always overcome with a need to take her pain away. He did not think himself heartless, but he learned a long time ago how to turn a blind eye to the pain of others when he needed to. But not her, she was different.

Her chocolate brown eyes softened, and her mouth relaxed. He could hear her inhale deeply as she reached up and grabbed his hand at her forehead.

“Well shit, sorry about that Firecracker. Mister worry pants strikes again. I’ll head back and let Chuckles do what he does best; hover,” Varric walked over and patted Banreas on the forearm and then waved at Solas as he walked away. “Try not to hover too much, Chuckles. She just needed fresh air,” he called out as he disappeared behind the trees. Solas waited until Varric was out of earshot.

“Is that really all you needed?” he breathed as he grabbed her face, his hands resting at the base of her ears. She crinkled her nose at him, and he felt a wild desire to kiss it. Her nose was wide and flat, it perfectly suited her round face. He smiled at her in relief.

“Yes, it was just… a lot. I needed some space. I’m okay now, I promise,” she assured him. Her breath smelled sweet and rich; heady. He savored it.

“Well then, why don’t we head back,” he tried to sound as unaffected as possible. He released her and waved his hand at the fire, casting a crisp chill over it to put it out. He pointed his head in the direction Varric set off in and made to follow the dwarf’s footsteps.

“You know, Solas. I have had some time to think,” Banreas began. Her tone sounded… suggestive, alluring. Solas paused and turned back to look at her. He was slightly taken aback. Her whole demeanor had changed. She had her book clasped behind her back and her head was tilted in his direction. She looked up at him through her long lashes with an inviting smile. She swayed side to side.

“I realized that I do have a gift for you,” she murmured as she strolled over to him.

“I told you not to worry yourself with finding a gift,” he reminded her.

“But I didn’t have to look very far,” she purred. Solas took a step closer to her and scrutinized her face. _Is this the same person?_ He briefly wondered if he really had too much to drink. She closed the gap between them. She got so close he could feel her breasts up against his chest. He froze.

 _Leave. Stop this now!_ Her left hand reached up and grabbed his chin. She chewed on her bottom lip and he found it arousing. Instinct took over. He placed his hands on her hips and pulled her closer.

She turned his head to the side and got up on the tips of her toes. She planted a kiss on his cheek, right by his ear. She applied just the right amount of pressure; it was gentle but strong enough to leave him craving more. She exhaled softly against his skin as she pulled back a little.

“Do you accept my gift?” she breathed into his ear. It sent shivers down his spine and heat flooded his body. He _ached_ for her, and his desire was becoming evident. He knew he should pull away before she could _feel_ it, but he held on to her hips firmly. He pressed his cheek to hers.

“I do. Thank you,” his voice was low and deep with longing.

And just like that, the moment was over. Banreas instantly pulled back and took on her usual stance. She beamed at him.

“Good. Thank you for this,” she pointed to her hair. “I love it,” she said with a wink. She skipped away toward the trees.

Solas was flabbergasted. Banreas was usually so withdrawn, skittish, and distrustful of others; this was completely out of character. Solas trailed after her, lost in thought.

With one small gesture, Banreas revealed so much more to him than she ever had. It was clear she was no novice to seduction. The way she looked at him, her expertly placed kiss, the way she smiled, the amount of control she exercised… She knew exactly what she was doing; he saw it in her eyes right before she pulled away from him. Her eyes challenged him, _dared_ him to respond.

With the exception about the mention of her mother, Banreas never spoke about her life before the Circle. She had only joined the Circle three years ago, and there was a large gap in her history. Solas’ best guess was that she had been a bard. That had been his first guess when they first traveled to Val Royeaux, and her actions tonight _almost_ confirmed his theory. _But why would she feel the need to hide such a thing?_ Solas sighed. _No, there is more to it than that._

Solas would have to keep his distance from her for the rest of the night. His head began to feel hazy once more and he knew that he drank too much. And there was something else. There was a hunger in his heart that did not exist before. It was a primal urge. The need to take, the need to _fill._ He was in no state to deny her if she advanced upon him again.

If she came to him again, there would be no letting go.


	16. Let Me Show You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ever since her moment with Solas in her room and her bold actions with the man at the lake, Banreas has been feeling things she's never felt before.  
> Before leaving for Redcliffe, she has a nightmare about her mother. Before her nightmare becomes too unbearable; Carlisle rescues her. Carlisle tells her he can't move on until she listens to him, and she begins to questions if it really is Carlisle. Later, she and Cullen settle an argument with a sparring match.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Elven Phrases:  
> On dhea, ma’ da’ean = good morning, my little bird  
> Mae – Mom  
> asha’lan – daughter  
> Lenan – Child of Vengeance  
> All Elven phrases and names are credited to [FenxShiral](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3553883/chapters/7825850)

_Banreas opened her eyes to the sensation of someone caressing her face. She sat up, confused. She was in a tent. It was dark and cool, and she could smell incense burning somewhere close by. She looked down and realized she had been laying on someone’s lap and she turned around to see who it was._

_It was her sister. She was radiant. Glorious. Her idol. She looked more like their father; she had a more angular face with wide eyes and a slender nose. She bore Andruil’s Vallaslin, she was a skilled hunter. A true warrior._

_Banreas immediately wanted to cry. Her sister had a grotesque wound in her chest right over her heart. It was as if her sister was unaware of her wound. She reached up and brushed the hair from Banreas’ face._

_“On dhea, ma’ da’ean,” she greeted her lightly. Banreas placed her hand over her sister’s wound as blood flowed freely down her chest. Her sister grabbed her hand and shook her head at her._

_“Do not worry. Go, mother wishes to speak to you,” she urged. Banreas felt like she was a child all over again. She felt like she was being sent to be chastised. Banreas reached up and grabbed her sister’s face. She pressed her forehead to hers and breathed in deeply before pressing a kiss to it. She got up and exited the tent._

_She was in their last known camp site, on the outskirts of Wycome. And nothing was right. The aravels were engulfed in flames and they floated lazily through the air. Her clan was considered large; there had been twenty-five members all together. Her clan members bustled about performing their normal duties._

_And each and every one of them had a fatal wound. Tears streaked down Banreas’ cheeks as she ran in search of her mother. She knew exactly where she would be; the halla pen. As she ran past her clan members, their eyes rolled into the back of their heads and they dropped to the ground._

_“NO! Mae!” she wailed, she needed to find her mother. Banreas reached the halla pen and leaped over the fence. “MAE!” she called out once more._

_“I am here, asha’lan,” her mother said. Banreas turned around and her mother was right behind her. Banreas had inherited her mother’s nose and her eyes. Her mother had always favored jewelry; her septum was pierced, and she wore golden hoops all along her ears. Her chocolate skin glowed and shimmered and Banreas couldn’t help but touch her mother’s face._

_Just like the rest of her clan, her mother was wounded. She had several deep gashes in her stomach and Banreas tried her best not to look at them._

_“Oh, come here child,” her mother beckoned. Her mother embraced her and Banreas collapsed in her arms and her mother held her up. “Shhhh, hush now,” her mother forced her to stand up tall._

_“Be brave,” she ordered. Banreas willed herself to stop crying and nodded at her mother._

_“Good. We must talk,” her mother said. Her mother’s expression turned stern and she shook her head._

_“You have lost yourself,” her mother said woefully. Banreas’ jaw dropped and she reached for her mother once more. Her mother stepped back and shook her head at her._

_“You have cast aside everything that you were. You have strayed so far from the clan… You cast aside your people, your family, and your name,” her mother implored as she clasped her hands together and shook them vigorously in Banreas’ face._

_“No, mae. I have not forgotten; I did not stray! I was taken! Marel and I-" Banreas tried to explain herself but her mother cut her off._

_“No, no, no! Your name! You walk around with a name that does not belong to you!” her mother roared._

_“What is wrong with the name I gave you?” she wailed. Banreas opened and closed her mouth, searching for an answer._

_“Nothing is wrong with the name you gave me, mae. I-" Banreas began but her mother spoke over her._

_“Do you know how your father and I decided on a name for you?” her mother asked. Banreas had been told this story so many times as child, but she would show her mother respect and let her tell it again._

_“Ten years had passed after your sister was born. We did not think we would be able to have another. But then, I was blessed. I found myself with child once again. But soon, you had gone silent,” her mother paused to place her hands over her own stomach. “You no longer moved. No kicks. No turns. We thought that you were dead. The day you were born, we were convinced we would be burying you,” her mother came over and cupped her face._

_“But then… as I pushed and pushed, and cried and cried, you were born into this world. And you came out kicking and screaming with a vengeance. You cried for hours, and we couldn’t stop smiling. We shed tears of joy. And that is when a name came to us,” her mother murmured as she ran her fingers through Banreas’ hair._

_“Lenan,” her mother breathed against her forehead._

_Banreas dropped to her knees. She couldn’t remember the last time she heard her name. Her real name. Hearing it shook her to her core. She looked up at her mother, her eyes searching for forgiveness._

_“What is wrong with the name I gave you?” her mother asked again._

_Banreas felt like she was going to come undone; split apart at the seams. She felt like a failure and that she had dishonored her clan. She felt like she was going to burst into flames, turn into dust, disappear… when suddenly, someone placed their hands under her arms and picked her up._

_“Bee, please don’t listen,” it was Carlisle. He hoisted her up on her feet and spun her around to face him. He was such a handsome man. She ran her fingers along the scar over his right eye and rubbed her hands over the stubble on his chin.  His honey eyes burned with such intensity she felt her legs give out once again. He held her flush up against him._

_“Come with me,” he said as he kissed her nose. Her surroundings changed and she realized they were in his room back at the Circle. She used to visit him in his room, in secret. She used to help him with his headaches. She remembered sitting on his bed with his head in her lap… and now he sat down on his bed and he had her straddled on top of him._

_“Your shame, your guilt… they will keep telling you those things if you let them,” he said as he gripped her thighs. Banreas’ sorrow was soon replaced with desire. What is this?_

_“What do you mean?” she asked him as she ran her fingers through his long hair._

_“You know the truth. We all knew the truth when you came to us. You haven’t forgotten who you are. You bear this new name well and you honor her memory,” he murmured as he peppered kisses along her cheek. She knew who he was referring to._

_“Why are you doing this?” she asked as her breath hitched in her throat. “You don’t want me,” she wanted to cry again._

_“I told you before. You were everything to me,” his voice grew husky. He brought his lips up to hers and pressed lightly._

_“You’re lying. You’re not Carlisle,” she said against his lips. He kissed her more firmly and heat flooded through her body and came to burn between her thighs._

_“We couldn’t be anything more. Those were the rules. I never told you the truth. I thought if I did, I would scare you away,” he whispered as his hands traveled up and ran along her throat. “You won’t listen to me,” he said as his hands trailed down over her breasts._

_“I can’t rest until you see. I can’t move on… not until you listen to me, Bee,” he said. Banreas suddenly felt hungry. She needed him. She grabbed his hands and placed them back at her hips. He pressed her down onto his groin._

_“You won’t listen to me, so I won’t leave. I won’t rest…  Maybe it’s time I showed you,” he moaned as he flipped her over on her back. He laid down on top of her and began kissing her neck._

_“Let me show you, Bee,”_

* * *

Banreas shot up and gasped and she gripped her chest as she tried to calm herself down. Her hands trailed down between her legs and she felt the wetness that had gathered there. She threw her blanket off and laid back down in her bed.

She had _never_ had a nightmare like that. She had never had a nightmare turn into something else; something sexual.

Seeing her mother scared her and made her feel guilty. But Carlisle… could that be true? Could that really be him? This was not the first time she had questioned if the man she saw in her dreams was a spirit or if it  _was_ him. Would he keep visiting her until she accepted what he was saying? _Or is my mind playing tricks on me?_

 _And my name, I have not forgotten, mae,_ she swore. She looked out of the window and she could see the early morning light seeping through. She looked over at Sera’s empty bed. She still had not returned from her trip and she was grateful Sera had not been present. Suddenly, someone pounded on her door.

“Herald, are you still coming?” Cullen called out. He sounded a little irritated. _I suppose he is still angry,_ she thought.

“Yes, Commander. I will be down in a few moments,” she answered. Cullen rapped the door twice in acknowledgment.

She sighed as she got up to clean her teeth and put on her training gear. She and Cullen had gotten in an argument the day before. Banreas and Dorian met with Cullen, Leliana, and Josephine in the War Room and told them what happened at Redcliffe. Dorian made the case for investigating the time magic they encountered and pursuing Alexius. Leliana informed everyone that Alexius had sent an invitation to Banreas to come to Redcliffe Castle to continue their talks.

As Banreas finished lacing up her training corset, she remembered the look on Cullen’s face. He looked at her as if he was expecting her to decline the invitation. When she expressed that she wanted to accept it, he grew livid.

“Herald, this is a trap! We already have a plan for approaching the Lord Seeker. The Templars will help. I thought you of all people would understand!” Cullen had said. For Banreas, it struck a nerve. He had used his knowledge of her trust in the Templars she lived with against her.

“Me? Of all people? How could you say that to me?” She had shouted back. And then they argued, and they would have continued arguing had it not been for Leliana and Dorian stepping in. When they both quieted down, Leliana began laying out a plan for infiltrating the castle and Cullen stormed out.

Banreas laced up her boots and made to leave her room. She was still feeling uneasy about her dream and now she had to go face Cullen.

“Let’s go see how angry he is,” she said to herself as she left her room for the soldier’s barracks.

The first time she came out to train with the soldiers, Cullen immediately pulled her away from sparring with the recruits. She had knocked a poor recruit out cold. She remembered how guilty she felt, and Cullen smiled at her kindly.

“It’s alright, you’ll train with me today,” he had said. Since then, whenever she was in Haven she would wake at dawn and train with either Cullen or Blackwall. Usually, she looked forward to sparring but today she dreaded it. She reached one of the barracks and leaned against the wall as she eyed the crowd of men and women. She was looking for Cullen, but she couldn’t find him. _Maybe he’s avoiding me._

She stared down at the ground wishing she could disappear. Her mind traveled back to her dream. To Carlisle. _Why did that feel so real?_ She asked herself.

“Herald?”

_He said I wouldn’t listen to him but how can I believe him?_

“Herald?”

 _He said he would show me how he felt… Creators, he felt so good._ She closed her eyes as she remembered his hands on her hips.

“Banreas…”

_Why did I have to wake up? I wanted to feel him. That wasn’t enough, I want more._

“Banreas!” someone said firmly. _Who is that talking? Who are they talking to?_ She was beginning to feel annoyed. She looked up and Cullen was standing right in front of her. She gasped in shock and she could feel the heat spread across her cheeks. Cullen was clearly irritated, and he scowled at her. Her mind still in a haze, Banreas stared fixedly at the scar over Cullen’s lip. Her eyes followed the contours of his face and she settled on his eyes. _Amber eyes instead of honey, short waves instead of long hair… but Creators he’s beautiful._

“Are you sure you’re ready?” He huffed. Banreas snapped out of it and stiffened up. _He isn’t mine to think about like that. Stop it._

“Yes, Commander. I’m sorry, I didn’t sleep very well,” she said. He gave her a curt nod and handed her a wooden polearm and walked away. With a sigh, she followed him. It was clear he was still angry.

She and Cullen usually needed more space to spar, someone usually ended up tossed on the ground. He found a large clearing and Banreas readied herself. Something about the way his shoulders were set told her he wasn’t going to hold back.

Banreas looked over Cullen’s training gear; he wore a dark brown gambeson and leather pants. She watched him swing his wooden sword around and she was mesmerized by the movement. She stared down at his hips and watched the way he moved… His expression hardened and he stood ready. _He isn’t going to hold back and I’m very distracted._

He charged. Banreas barely had enough time to block his attack, she could hear the wood strain under the blow. She hated using a polearm and she would rather train with daggers, but she stayed away from that. She didn’t want him to see the extent of her skill with it. She pushed back with her polearm and stepped back. She spun her polearm and charged at him, she swung it at his head.

Cullen blocked the attack and pushed her back so forcefully she almost fell back. He unleashed a barrage of swings, forcing Banreas to retreat. Banreas gritted her teeth, side stepped when he came down on her once more and smacked him on the back with her polearm.

“GAH!” Cullen roared. He turned to face her and pretended to charge. Banreas braced for a sword attack but instead Cullen charged low and hooked his arm around her waist and brought her to the ground.

Now Banreas was furious. She did not want to be beaten. Not today. He had her arms pinned to her chest so she couldn’t use her weapon. She used her elbow to hit him in the face; it stunned him enough that Banreas was able to use her polearm to shove him off. But Cullen was quick; he tossed his sword and grabbed her polearm, pulling her up. He finally wrestled it out of her hands, and she realized this was now a grappling match; one that she wouldn’t win if she didn’t act quickly.

She wrapped her legs around his waist, grabbed his forearms and pushed with all her might. She succeeded in pushing him onto his back. She pinned his arms down and glared at him.

“Enough! Stop being so angry! If you didn’t like my decision you shouldn’t have put me in that position in the first place!” she yelled in his face. Cullen’s fury suddenly turned into shock. She gave him another shove for good measure and stood up. She walked a few feet away and sat down in the snow. She buried her face in her hands.

A few moments passed and she heard the crunching of snow as Cullen approached her. She could hear him sit down beside her and she chanced a look in his direction. He looked remorseful.

“Herald, I… I’m sorry. You’re right,” he said with a sigh. He began unbuttoning his gambeson to cool himself down; she watched his movements like a hawk. “I know we won’t always agree, and we don’t have to. It’s just…” he struggled to find words as he turned to look at her.

“I believed in the order for so long, until it led me astray. I left because what happened in Kirkwall wasn’t right; I had turned a blind eye on everything for long enough. But I know that the Templars can still do some good. And I know you know that too,” he paused for a moment and he picked up her left hand. He held her hand gently as he analyzed the mark.

“I turned to what I know. This… time magic, and the damned Venatori… I’ve never heard of anything like it. It scares me,” he admitted. Banreas brought her right hand over to cover his.

“I’m scared too. I’ve _been_ scared since I got here. But we are going to fix this. I promised to help, and I will. Don’t you believe me? Don't you trust me?” she asked as she tried to gain his attention. Cullen’s eyes shot up and he finally met her gaze.

“Maker, you know I do. Don’t you doubt that,” his voice burned with a fire and intensity that reminded her of Carlisle. _Why does he have to always remind me of him?_ Thinking of Carlisle made her think of other things. Cullen’s gaze made her pulse quicken and she kicked herself internally.

 _First these thoughts about Solas, then Carlisle, now Cullen? What is wrong with me?_ Cullen wrapped his arm around her in an embrace.

“I’ll be going with you to Redcliffe. You always seem to get into trouble. And now Cassandra seems to be getting into trouble too,” he chuckled. “Someone needs to make sure you two don’t get hurt. I need to make sure you’ll be safe,” he shot her a stunning lopsided grin and Banreas was at a loss for words.

As they sat in silence, she lost herself in the heat she could feel emanating off of Cullen. She reveled in his embrace. She knew she shouldn’t, but she couldn’t help it. She leaned into him and sighed.

The next time Carlisle visited her in her dreams, she would be sure to listen to what he said. She would let him show her how he felt.


	17. A Step Forward in Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Banreas and her companions finally make their way to Redcliffe Castle to take down Alexius. As she confronts Alexius, Banreas quickly loses her temper and hears a voice in her head that she never thought she would have to hear again. She forced Alexius to act too quickly and he opens up a rift that tears through time. 
> 
> When she and Dorian are sucked through the rift, they get a glimpse of a horrific and twisted future filled with death and destruction. It is only after witnessing the death of someone dear to her that she realizes just how much she cares for the people around her. Before heading back to the correct time period, she and Dorian promise to work together to make sure this twisted future never comes to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Secrets, secrets, secrets! The Herald has so many...
> 
> I apologize in advance because this chapter is long, but I hope you enjoy finding out a little more about Banreas! 
> 
> Also, there's a lot of death in this chapter and it came out pretty heavy; I wrote it in a dark head space.

Banreas arrived at Redcliffe Castle during the night so that Leliana, Cassandra, Dorian and a few spies could sneak into the castle under the cover of darkness. Banreas felt like she was going to have a panic attack. It was not until they reached Redcliffe that she realized that so many things could go wrong.

She remembered the exact moment that she began to lose confidence. Back at Haven’s gates as she prepared to mount her favorite horse, Nehna, she started to feel a sense of trepidation. Dorian and Leliana had only temporarily reassured her that everything would be okay.

The Venatori were stationed everywhere on the castle grounds. They wore helmets that covered their faces and it filled her with dread. Banreas glanced over at Cullen who wore a hardened expression and she felt a little better; he was a seasoned warrior and she had no doubt he would do his best to keep them all safe. She looked over at Solas who nodded and smiled at her encouragingly.

Before leaving Haven, Solas had insisted that he come along.

“I do not feel comfortable staying behind, I am worried about your safety,” Solas said.

Banreas had frowned at him and his stubbornness. “I will be okay lethal’lin. The Commander will be there with me and I can fend for myself,”

“Be that as it may, trouble seems to find you no matter what precautions you take. I will go. I already told the Commander,” he asserted.

As Banreas and her party climbed the steps leading to the castle doors, one of the Venatori stood in their path to block them. Banreas could hear the leather from Cullen’s glove rubbing on the hilt of his sword as he clenched tightly. Banreas placed a hand over his, sucked in a deep breath, and willed herself to be okay.

“I am here to see Magister Alexius,” she announced to the faceless man before her. He did not respond. Puzzled, Banreas tried to walk around him and he held a hand out to halt her. Another man came running down the stairs and excused him.

“Welcome to Redcliffe Castle. I apologize for the rather rude welcoming. You see, the invitation was extended  _only_ to Lady Lavellan,” the man glared at her companions. Banreas gritted her teeth, she knew this would be a problem.

“I understand, but if the Inquisition acquires mages to help in sealing the Breach, then it is essential my advisers are present to help with the logistics,” she mirrored the light tone the man had used with her.  _I hope he bought that,_ she prayed.

The man looked over her party once more and nodded. “Alright then. This way, Herald of Andraste,” the man’s voice now had a bite to it. Clearly, this wasn’t part of their plan. Members of the Venatori came to fall in step behind them and Banreas felt trapped.

“I suggest we stick close together,” Solas whispered.

“Agreed,” Cullen whispered back.

Under normal circumstances, Banreas would have been excited to be in the castle. It was beautiful. Banreas always found that Ferelden décor was humbling and homey; it was a shame the Venatori sullied it with their presence. As they were led through the hallways, Banreas jumped at the sound of a door opening; it was just a servant exiting a room.

Cullen placed a hand on her shoulder. “You’re alright. Keep calm as you have been and we will be okay,” he said under his breath.

“I’ll try,” she murmured back.

They were finally led into the throne room. Grand Enchanter Fiona stood at the base of the stairs leading to the throne, her forehead creased with worry. Banreas bristled at the sight of Alexius sitting on the throne. Felix stood by his side and he looked nervous. Their guide came to a halt at the steps and bowed.

“My lord Magister, the agents of the Inquisition have arrived,” he said as he gestured at them. Alexius rose from the throne and took a few steps toward them.

“My friend, I’m delighted that you decided to return to Redcliffe. Your a _ssociates_ are, of course, welcome,” Alexius was certainly laying it on thick.  _Friend indeed. “_ I have so looked forward to this. I am certain we can sort out an arrangement that is equitable to all parties,”

Fiona approached the Magister and she looked furious. She opened her mouth to speak but Alexius held up his hand and dismissed her. Fiona turned to Banreas in shock. Alexius’ friendly façade was finally beginning to break and Banreas did not like the man she saw underneath.

“Actually, I would welcome the Grand Enchanter’s presence. After all, it is her future, and that of many others, that we are discussing,” Banreas crossed her arms behind her back and stood tall, trying to look confident. Fiona smiled appreciatively at her. Alexius’ mouth twitched and she saw him flex his fingers. He didn’t respond and instead sat back down.

“Alright then. The Inquisition seeks mages, and I have them. What can the Inquisition offer me that I don’t already have?” Alexius cocked an eyebrow at her.

Banreas’ palms grew sweaty and she bit down on her tongue. She looked over at Cullen for reassurance. He gave her an infinitesimal dip of the head; they had practiced what she would say on their way over.

“The Inquisition has many ties with the Orlesian nobility. We are certain that they will provide fair compensation for the mage’s services,” Banreas said flatly. Alexius shook his head.

“No, I am sorry. That will not do. There is nothing they can offer that-" as Alexius spoke, Felix shuffled on his feet and gripped his father’s chair.

“Enough father. She knows everything,” Felix interjected. Alexius’ jaw dropped and he rose from his seat. Banreas took a few hesitant steps forward and stood by Felix.

“Your son came to me because he is concerned that you have gotten involved in something terrible. Listen to him,” Banreas implored.

“You  _thief!_ You think you can turn my son against me?!” Alexius seethed as he pointed at her menacingly. Cullen unsheathed his sword and placed himself in front of her.

“Step. Back,” he growled. Alexius sneered at him but did as Cullen commanded.

“Look at you! You think you can come here to  _my_  stronghold with your stolen mark, a gift you don’t understand, and think you are in control?” he spat. Banreas’ heart began to pound in her chest. She looked back at Solas who shook his head at her.  _A stolen gift? This is no gift. This is a curse!_ “You’re nothing but a mistake,” he went on to say as he looked at her with disgust.

Banreas’ head began to spin.  _A mistake, a mistake. A monster,_ her mind went down a dark path. She felt small, less than, unworthy. Angry tears stung her eyes.

“If you know so much, tell me what this mark is for!” she screamed back at him.

Solas came to place a hand on her back. “Control yourself,” he muttered.

“It belongs to your  _betters_. You don’t have the capacity to understand,” Alexius said. His words continued to sting, to strike a nerve. It was rhetoric that she had heard almost all her life. Anger weighed heavy on her heart and she balled her fists. She felt a wave of emotions as memories played in the back of her mind.

“Father! Listen to yourself! You sound like-” Felix began.

“You sound like the treacherous villain everyone expects us to be,” Dorian cut in as he stepped out of the shadows. He came to stand by Banreas’ side and she breathed a sigh of relief.

“Dorian… What a waste. You could have been here by my side, but you turned me down. The Elder One has power that you could not begin to fathom. He will restore the Imperium to its former glory,” Alexius lamented.

“The Elder One? Who is that?” Banreas pressed him as she stepped around Cullen to circle the Magister. She had an overwhelming desire to punch the man in the face.

“Soon, he will be a God. And he demands your life. I promised him I would correct the  _mistake_ that happened at the Temple. If I just go back in time…” Alexius was speaking but Banreas had become distracted. She could hear footsteps behind her and the wet sounds of blades piercing flesh.  _Leliana._

“How could you turn to such magic? It is dangerous! You could get yourself killed!” Dorian shouted at the man.

Cullen glanced furtively between Banreas and Alexius. He grabbed her by the hand and pulled her back behind him. Solas too, came to place himself in front of her. Both men shielding her. Banreas became enraged at the sight, it was a slow burn that began to bubble to the surface and threatened to boil over. But there was something there… somethings blocking  _it._

Banreas clutched at her neck to ensure that her necklace was there. _I am no child. I am not a mistake! I am not a monster! I am not small! I don’t need protection; who do they think they are?_ she seethed.  

 ** _Take it off,_** a voice commanded her.

Banreas’ stomach dropped. _What? I’m not supposed to hear it! I shouldn’t be able to hear you!_ she thought in a panic. She looked over at Dorian who was in a heated argument with Alexius. Maybe she had imagined the voice, maybe someone was speaking to her. Everyone was talking but her ears were ringing, she couldn’t hear them. Her hands shook violently as she clamped down on her necklace tightly.

 ** _Take. It. Off. Destroy it,_** it commanded her once more, the voice scratching on the inside of her mind. _FUCK YOU! SHUT UP! I WILL NOT TAKE THIS OFF! I NEED TO FOCUS!_ She shouted internally. Banreas desperately tried to tune back into what was going on around her. She focused on Alexius, she needed to get out of here as quickly as possible.

Banreas walked around the men in front of her once more. She advanced on the Magister as she pointed her finger at him. “Enough! Your men are dead. It’s over. Give this up!”

“My friend please, slow down,” Dorian said as he reached for her.

“You are a mistake. You should never have been,” Alexius had begun to walk back as he pulled out some sort of amulet. The amulet glowed blue and began to emanate heat and the air around them became thick. He held it out and it floated up and away from his hand.

“NO!” Dorian roared as he shot forth a blast of raw energy at the amulet. The amulet shook violently, and a bubble of energy began to form around her. Dorian threw himself at her and tried to pull her back out. A rift opened up and Banreas felt like there was a string attached to her stomach and she was being yanked.

Banreas could feel what was about to happen. Her feet lifted off the ground and in the blink of an eye, she and Dorian were sucked in. 

* * *

" _Umph!_ " Banreas huffed out as she and Dorian landed on cold hard stone. 

"Oh, for the love of - now I'm all  _wet!_ " Dorian whined as he jumped up onto his feet.  _We were just sucked into a rift and he's worried about being wet?!_ Wherever they were, it looked like a prison cell and it was flooded. As Dorian helped Banreas stand up, she realized they were surrounded by red lyrium. Before she could turn to Dorian and ask him about it, she heard several people running through water. 

They were Venatori guards, and it was clear they weren't expecting the two mages. The Venatori attacked immediately but she and Dorian quickly cut them down. Dorian kicked one of the bodies over and searched the man’s pockets. He found a key ring and pocketed it. He turned to address Banreas.

“Well, this is less than ideal! I am quite sure that this is not what Alexius intended. That rift moved us somewhere… but where?” Dorian mused as he turned his attention to the red lyrium that jutted out from the walls.

“We were just in the castle hall,” Banreas said as she came to stand beside him.

“Yes, were you lost your temper and you forced him to act,” Dorian replied as he began to worry his mustache.

Banreas’ nostrils flared as her fingers sought her necklace again. “Well, you weren’t the one being called a mistake, were you?” She snapped back at him. Dorian’s eyes softened and he smiled at her kindly.

“You misunderstand me, friend. You forced him to act and it made him reckless, he wasn’t ready. I countered the spell and… well, we ended up _somewhere_. I just want to know where and _when._ I told you this time magic is dangerous; we could be anywhere…” Dorian paused as he took in Banreas worried expression.

“Don’t worry, I’m here. I’ll protect you,” he winked at her. “Now let’s see… I doubt he’d want to use the amulet to send you away from him… no. We must still be in the castle, so its just a matter of _when_!” he exclaimed as he began to walk out of the prison cell. Banreas sprinted after him.

“So, I’m really confused. He moved us forward or backward in time?” Banreas asked.

“Oh, my dear I have no idea, but let’s find out. I suspect he was trying to erase you from time itself. That fool. We need that amulet, but first we need to get out of here,” he replied as he picked up the pace.

Banreas felt a little guilty. She had lost her temper and she heard a voice that she never thought she would hear again. She shoved the thought into the back of her mind, she would have to worry about that later. They reached a set of stairs that led upwards. Once they reached the top, she realized they must still be in the castle’s dungeon; there were more prison cells and more red lyrium. Her ears twitched as she heard someone struggling to breathe.

Banreas followed the sound to one of the cells and gasped in horror. She ran to the prison door and frantically tried to pull it open. Tears began blurring her vision, she searched for one of the small knives she kept in her boot. She pulled it out and tried to pick the lock on the door.

“Fuck! Dorian, help me!” Banreas wailed. Dorian, who was at the end of the hall, came rushing to her side.

“Oh, no…” he said in despair.

“Just help me please!” Banreas shouted at him as he pulled out the key ring he pocketed earlier. She turned her attention to the man struggling to breathe in the cell. The man hardly looked human anymore. Red lyrium had sprouted from his stomach and spread out onto the ground, pinning him there. It was only because of the blonde wavy hair and the amber eyes that Banreas knew who it was.

It was Cullen.

Dorian finally found the right key and got the door open. Banreas charged in and flung herself on the ground. She didn’t know what to do. She gently grabbed Cullen’s head and placed it on her lap. She didn’t really know any kind of healing magic, but she did what she used to do with Carlisle. She focused on easing his pain. Cullen’s eyes bored into hers and she could see tears forming in his eyes. One of his hands came to touch her face and he opened his mouth to speak.

“Herald… I…” his voice was distorted and it was like hearing two people speak at once. Banreas wiped the tears from his eyes and caressed his face. He took in a deep breath and tried again. “I thought you were dead,”

“No, the rift took us through time. We are okay, _you_ will be okay. Try not to talk,” she murmured. His labored breathing was beginning to worry her.

“Where is Cass?” he asked. He spat out blood and his breaths came few and far between. As she channeled energy into his body, she could feel his heart slowing down.

“Cassandra is fine, we found her. Don’t worry,” she lied to him. As she felt his heart shudder and coming to a halt, she kissed his forehead. Her tears came trickling down her nose and onto his withered skin. “Everything is fine,” she said as her voice broke.

Cullen stroked her cheek. “That’s good… I’m… happy. I’m happy you’re here with me. Thank you,” he croaked. He took one last breath as he pressed her head to his and she felt his heart stop. His hand dropped to the ground with a soft thump. He was gone.

Banreas began to hyperventilate. “No, please. Cullen please!” she hollered. She thought she was done with this; done with seeing the people she loved die. It wasn’t until that moment that she realized just how much she cared for Cullen. She hadn’t known him for very long, but he was her friend and she loved him. And he just died in her arms.

Dorian picked her up off the ground and hugged her to him. “My friend, please. We need to focus. If we act quickly, _none_ of this will ever happen. No one will have to die, I promise. But we need to keep going, okay?” Dorian pulled back a little and shook her shoulders. She could see the fear in his eyes. She knew he was right.

Banreas willed herself not to feel; to purge her emotions. They can’t both panic, she needed to be strong. She gripped Dorian’s arms tightly and nodded at him; he breathed a sigh of relief. Despite his often cocky demeanor, she could see he was terrified.

She grabbed his hand and led him out of the cell, resisting the urge to look back.

* * *

 

She and Dorian eventually found Fiona, Cassandra and Solas in the dungeon. Fiona was beyond help, she was at least able to stand, but red lyrium had sprouted from her body and latched itself to the wall. When they released Cassandra from her cell, she flung herself at Banreas.

“My friend! I thought you were dead!” again, it was like hearing two people speak at the same time. Cassandra was infected with red lyrium. “Andraste has brought you back to us. I was wrong to despair, but the Elder one… he had Empress Celene assassinated, the Inquisition was obliterated, and the Wardens were nowhere to be found when the demon army came. There was nothing we could do,” Cassandra wept as she held on to Banreas for dear life.

Banreas and Dorian shared a look; neither of them would mention Cullen’s death to Cassandra. When they came across Solas, Banreas’ heart thumped erratically in her chest. His eyes had a strange red glow and they were filled with sorrow.

“Lethal’lan, I thought you were dead. I never dreamed I’d see your face again. I swear I watched you die…” Solas said as Dorian unlocked the door to the cell. Banreas was transfixed by the pain she saw in his eyes. When Dorian finally got the door open, Cassandra gripped Solas’ shoulders in relief. Solas smiled at Cassandra but quickly made his way over to Banreas.

“Dorian says that Alexius’ spell displaced us in time. We are trying to find Alexius’ amulet so we can use it to send us back in time, we will make sure that everything that happened doesn’t come to pass,” Banreas murmured. As Cassandra and Dorian searched the other cells, Solas came to stand mere inches from her face.

“Every night as I laid down to sleep, I saw your face. You are even more beautiful than I remember,” he whispered. His hand reached up to touch the comb she still wore in her hair; his gift to her. Banreas stood still as he looked her over, she couldn’t move even if she tried.

“A whole year has passed. I had time to reflect on my actions, I had time to wallow in my regrets. I found that I deeply regret that I did not spend more time with you,” he confessed. Despite the red lyrium that corrupted his body, she still found his scent intoxicating. Her left hand came to cup his cheek and he closed his eyes to the touch.

“I swear to you, we will spend as much time together as you like. In fact, I will bother you so much, you won’t know what to do with me,” Banreas paused to press her forehead to his and he laughed lightly. “But we need to get out of here, okay?” she said as she rubbed his ear fondly.

Solas rubbed his cheek against hers and inhaled deeply before pulling away. “Come, we must go back where this all started, the throne room. Alexius has barricaded himself there,” Solas sounded determined, he kissed her cheek before turning away to join Cassandra and Dorian.

Banreas’ head was spinning. Not only did he say that he wished he spent more time with her, but he had kissed her without hesitation. She placed her hand over the spot that he kissed and ran after her friends, she didn’t have time to think about what his motivations were.

They made their way out of the dungeon and into the castle proper. The castle was almost completely abandoned and riddled with red lyrium. Banreas was careful not to touch it but it still made her feel sick. As they wandered the halls, Banreas could hear someone cursing and screaming. The light, lilting voice… it could only be Leliana. Without thinking, Banreas ran toward the source of the screaming and burst through the door.

Sure enough, she found Leliana. Leliana hung from the ceiling by her arms and she was being tortured with some foul instrument. Her tormentor turned his back on Leliana when Banreas burst through the door. Banreas wasn’t sure where she got the strength, but Leliana heaved her legs over the man’s neck as she tried to strangle him. Banreas yelled out in fury, grabbed one of her small daggers, and drove the knife into the man’s gut over and over. When the man dropped dead to the ground, Banreas searched his pockets for the key to the iron shackles around Leliana’s wrists.

Once freed, Leliana clutched Banreas’ face in disbelief. “You are alive. The Maker told me you would come, he told me you would end this. My faith has never failed me. Come, we have work to do,” Leliana was cold, void of all emotions. She grabbed a bow and a quiver of arrows before walking out of the room.

Leliana was like a shell and it broke Banreas’ heart. Leliana frequently looked back to check on Banreas, as if she was checking to make sure she was real. Banreas couldn’t believe what she was seeing. None of her companions, not even Solas, had ever shown that they cared about her this much. Maybe their emotions were due to the circumstance and their hardships, but Banreas had also come to realize how much she’d grown to care for these people in such a short amount of time; even Leliana. None of them might say or admit how they felt about her when they went back to the correct time, but Banreas promised herself that she would find some way to show her appreciation of their kindness.

As they neared the throne room, Banreas took the lead. She was filled with rage. All of the people she had grown to care for had been corrupted and tortured and she couldn’t stand it. Just as before, her anger threatened to boil over. She ran her fingers over the beads of her necklace as she opened the door to the throne room.

Alexius’ sat on the throne and it was clear he had been expecting them. Felix sat on the ground by his father’s throne and he looked like he was not long for this world. Alexius laughed humorlessly.

“I knew you would come because I knew I had not killed you. I just did not know when. It doesn’t matter. The end is nigh. The Elder One comes to kill me and to kill you,” Alexius seemed resigned to his fate. Before Banreas could respond, Leliana ran over to Felix, picked him up, and held a knife to his throat. Banreas ran after Leliana and held her hands up, approaching cautiously.

“Alexius, we only want to stop this future from ever happening. We won’t harm Felix! Leliana will let him go, we just need that amulet,” Banreas pleaded as she glanced between Leliana and the Magister. Leliana tilted her head and flashed a deadly smile in Banreas direction. Leliana slit Felix’s throat and he dropped dead to the ground.

“LELIANA!” Banreas exclaimed in utter horror.

“Enough, give us the amulet,” Leliana ordered as she turned her gaze on the Magister.

“You murderous whore!” Alexius roared. He grabbed his staff that was holstered on his back and made to attack Leliana. Dorian struck the man with a powerful arc of lightning before he even knew what hit him and his lifeless body crumpled in a heap by his son.

Her mouth agape, Banreas threw her hands up in disbelief as she approached Leliana. Before Banreas had a chance to question her, a thunderous screech reverberated across the castle walls and shook the ground beneath them. Banreas knew that sound, it was the sound of a dragon. What she didn’t understand was why it was so powerful.

“The Elder One! He is here, you must hurry!” Leliana screamed. Frantic, Banreas ran over to Alexius’ body to search for the amulet. Dorian came over to help her and they found the amulet in one of his pouches.

“Excellent! Normally, I would ask for at least an hour…” Dorian began as he turned the amulet over in is hands.

“You don’t have an hour!” Leliana spat.

“Don’t have an hour, so we are doing this now…” Dorian was speaking to himself at this point. Banreas could hear something pounding on the doors to the throne room. Banreas readied her staff and made to stand next to her other companions when Dorian grabbed her and pulled her to him.

“I need you here! We need to go back!” he exclaimed before turning back to the amulet and muttering some incantation. The pounding on the door grew louder and louder until the wood began to strain and splinter. Solas came running up to her and grabbed her face rather roughly.

“Fix this, make sure this never happens,” he said as he kissed the top of her head and hugged her fiercely. He ran back to the door by Cassandra and Leliana, his staff at the ready.

Whatever Dorian was doing was working. The amulet began to spark and emanate heat, it floated up and away from him, just as it had the first time a rift formed. Suddenly, the doors to the throne room burst open. Demons and Venatori agents poured through and Banreas gritted her teeth. She clenched her staff and cast a wall of fire to block the entrance to the door, hoping to buy them time.

Cassandra was the first to fall. Surrounded by demons, Banreas could hear the warrior’s screams before they abruptly stopped, and her lifeless body was thrown up against the wall. Banreas cried out in agony as she shuffled on her feet and she looked back at Dorian. The amulet’s energy now formed a pocket of energy around them that sealed them in; Banreas couldn’t run to her friends.

Solas let loose a vicious battle cry and his ice mines obliterated a handful of enemies in his path. But he too, was overrun. Banreas watched as Solas got cornered between two Venatori and a Terror. It was not long before the Terror grabbed Solas by the throat, shoved him against the wall, and a Ventatori agent came to stab him in the heart. Banreas dropped to her knees, tears flowing down her cheeks as her mouth moved wordlessly.

 _Wasn’t I done with this? I grew to care for these people without ever giving myself permission. Now I am watching them die. Have I not suffered enough?_ she thought as she mourned for the people she hoped would never have to die. As she watched Leliana let loose arrow after arrow, Banreas knew she was about to witness her fall too. Banreas felt empty… hollow. As Banreas watched Leliana run out of arrows and reach for her knife, she was reminded of the fall of her clan. The death of her sister. The similarities were chilling.

Banreas could feel the rift opening up behind her but she couldn’t move from her spot on the ground. She couldn’t turn her eyes away from Leliana’s. Their eyes remained locked as one of the Venatori came up from behind her and slit Leliana’s throat. Banreas felt dead inside as her heart shattered into a million pieces. Dorian picked her up and clung to her. She looked up at him and she was surprised to find tears in his own eyes.

“We saw what happened. We won’t let this come to be, no matter what comes next. Promise me, my friend,” he said through clenched teeth. Banreas could feel the invisible string at her stomach and she knew they had done it; they were going to be pulled back through.

“I promise,” she whispered back to him. As their feet lifted off the ground, she made a vow to herself then. No one she cared about was going to die. Never again. She was going to make sure this future never came to be.

And then, thankfully, they were pulled back through.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a side note: In later chapters, there will be different voices that Banreas will hear inside her head, but I'll try my best to differentiate between them so it doesn't get confusing!


	18. The King of Ferelden

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Banreas comes back through the rift and she has a hard time looking at the people she just watched die. She is overcome with emotion and she contemplates what it will take protect her friends. 
> 
> And oh yes, she meets the King of Ferelden. Although she is entirely flustered by the man, their meeting goes well. Very well.  
> At least her companions certainly think so.

Banreas stumbled out of the rift, clinging onto Dorian to stop herself from collapsing. She looked up at the man and she could see that his face was covered in a sheen of sweat and she could feel his heart hammering away in his chest.

She blinked rapidly as she tried to dispel of the tears that clung to her eyelashes. She felt like the world was still spinning and she couldn’t see straight. Her eyes finally found something to focus on and she was able to get her bearings. When she realized who she was staring at, her breath hitched in her throat.   

_Oh, Cullen…_

He was alive. His face was full, and his eyes were bright and full of life. And he was livid. His sword was drawn, and he held an empty vial of lyrium in his hands.

 _Creators… He’s here. He’s okay…_ her feet moved on their own as she took a step toward him. _He’s alive, he’s breathing._ She looked back down to the empty vial in his hands and she was puzzled. _Why would he use lyrium? He isn’t a Templar anymore, right?_ Banreas’ head was still in a fog and she struggled to remember what happened. She followed Cullen’s gaze and found the source of his fury.

Alexius. Banreas saw red and she could only think of one thing. Revenge. She cried out as she grabbed one of her daggers and charged at the man.

“You son of a b-” she wailed. She stopped dead in her tracks when she caught sight of Felix. He stepped forward to stand by his father and he held his hands out, pleading with her. She couldn’t hear him, she couldn’t hear anything.

She looked around her and saw all of her friends; all the people she just watched die. Cullen, Solas, Cassandra, and Leliana _. I can’t let them see me like this,_ she thought as she struggled to contain her rage. She flared her nostrils as her mouth twisted in disgust.

“Surrender to the Inquisition. Now,” she ordered. If it weren’t for Felix, Banreas would have killed the man without hesitation. _He’s everything that I fear. Everything that I hate,_ she fumed.

The man dropped to his knees and surrendered. Dorian came up from behind her and grasped her hand still raised above her head, ready to strike. He slowly brought her hand down as he whispered in her ear.

“We beat him. It’s over. Let him live with his guilt,” Dorian rubbed her hand as he gradually coaxed her to open her hand and release her dagger. As soon as he gained control of her weapon, he tossed it to the ground.

Cullen marched over to Alexius and pulled him up on his feet; several Inquisition soldiers came over, placed the man in shackles, and led him away. Banreas watched Cullen’s every step, the rise and fall of his chest, the way his lips moved… After Alexius was taken away, Cullen grabbed her by the arm and pulled her close.

“Maker’s breath, are you alright? Why didn’t you stay behind me? I was ready for anything; you would have been fine. You could have gotten yourself killed!” he chided.

Banreas could smell the sweet, heady scent of lyrium on his breath; it was potent. She mouthed wordlessly, unsure of what to say. He gripped the top of her arm tighter as he pulled her even closer.

“What were you thinking?” he asked, his eyes searched hers as he waited for an answer.

“What were _you_ thinking?” Cassandra demanded of him as she yanked the vial from his hands. Banreas stared at the two lovers with wide eyes. _Why is she angry with him?_ She wondered.

Before she could ask them what was wrong, Solas’ face came into view. He grabbed her by the chin and tilted her face in his direction.

“For a moment I thought…” he began as he shook his head. “I thought he killed you. What happened, lethal’lan?” he asked as he used his thumb to stroke her cheek.

She couldn’t bear to look him in the eye; she couldn’t look any of them in the eye. She still couldn’t believe that everyone was alive. Tears welled in her eyes as she turned to Dorian and placed her head on his shoulder.  

“I th-think I may f-f-faint,” she stuttered as the tears began to fall. Dorian wrapped his arms around her and backed away from the others.

“It’s alright. We don’t have to talk about it right now-” Dorian paused to glance at Solas, his voice full of caution. “Let’s look at the bright side, shall we? We accomplished what we set out to do; no more time magic, and I’m all dry now! We can go home!”

Banreas managed a shaky laugh as she squeezed the man tighter. Suddenly, the doors to the throne room burst open, causing Banreas to jump.

“Or not,” Dorian sighed in exasperation.

A contingent of soldiers that did not belong to the Inquisition began marching into the room in methodic, practiced movements. They stationed themselves along the walls and stood at attention; waiting. Fiona, who Banreas hadn’t noticed until now, came to stand by Cullen and Cassandra. She seemed nervous. Banreas chewed her bottom lip in anticipation when, finally, a man strode through the doors.

Banreas sensed him before he came into view. The air seemed to carry an electric current that pricked at her skin. As she eyed the man that walked into the room, she was struck by the sheer weight of his presence in the air. His posture demanded attention and Banreas couldn’t take her eyes off him. He wore all brown leathers with a beautiful fur lined mantle on his shoulders. His light, sun kissed skin was covered in scars. Banreas absorbed the prominent lines of his jaw and nose, and she fought a smile at the sight of his short, dirty blonde hair that seemed barely under control.

 _Beautiful._ Banreas was absolutely taken aback. Banreas caught several of her companions bowing in the corner of her eye, and she tensed. She reached up to whisper in Dorian’s ear.  

“Why are they bowing? Should we bow?” she whispered frantically.

“Bow? I’m not bowing, let them bow!” Dorian hissed back.

“But he seems important. A nobleman, maybe? I think I may vomit,” Banreas was entirely done with the day, all she wanted to do was escape.

“Vomit later. He’s rather handsome, I think I’ll stay and listen,” Dorian sounded slightly amused. Banreas deadpanned as she glanced up at Dorian and then back at the man walking toward Fiona. The man came to stop right in front of her, looming. Banreas could see the veins on the side of his head pulsing. _He’s furious. Why?_

“Grand Enchanter, I agree to help you and you give Redcliffe Castle away to a Tevinter Magister…” the man’s light voice was heavy with disappointment.

“King Alistair… I-” Fiona stammered.

“You are well aware that Redcliffe Castle belongs to Arl Teagan…” the man began to raise his voice.

“King? That’s the king, Dorian. We should bow,” Banreas was on the brink of a mental break down and the only thing holding her together was Dorian and his offhand comments.

“He’s not my king,” Dorian shrugged.

Banreas blanched. “But-but…”

“My dear, it’s too late to bow. Hush now, I’m enjoying the show,” he shushed her as his hand came up to stroke his chin. Banreas had no choice but to tune back into the exchange between Fiona and the King.

“I truly wanted to help you, but you’ve made that impossible. You and your followers are no longer welcome in Ferelden,” the King proclaimed. Although he used a stern voice with Fiona, his eyes were filled with regret.

Fiona held her hands out, gesticulating wildly at the King. “But your Majesty, we have _hundreds_ who need protection. We have nowhere to go!” Fiona pleaded.

The tension in the air was palpable. It seemed that everyone was enthralled by the heated words between Fiona and the King. Banreas became agitated and began shifting the weight on her feet as she glanced between the two. Suddenly, she remembered why the Inquisition was in the castle in the first place.

Banreas wiped her eyes, steeled herself, and walked over to Fiona and the King. _Here goes nothing…_ She stood in front of the King and the weight of his aura only magnified, it made her shiver.

“Your Majesty, I would like to remind everyone that the only reason that the Inquisition came here was to procure the help of the mages to close the Breach,” Banreas hoped that she sounded calm and confident. In reality, she did not feel that it was her place to even address the King. The King’s light brown eyes met hers and she froze. He scrutinized her for a moment before glancing down at the mark on her hand. Realization flitted across his face as their eyes met again.

“We have no choice but to leave our fate in your hands,” Fiona sounded tired. She looked at Banreas as if she was expecting the worst.

“I see. Well then, what are the terms of this arrangement?” the King asked, commanding Banreas’ attention once more. Her eyes snapped back over to his and she found it very hard to concentrate. _No one told me I would have to speak to the King! What do I say?_ Banreas pressed her tongue to her cheek as she agonized over what to say. She spotted Cullen approach her out of the corner of her eye.

“Herald, I would suggest conscripting them. Look at what they’ve done out of desperation…” he implored. His eyes almost begged her to agree with him.

“Lethal’lan… this is the mages’ only chance at freedom,” Solas called out to her. She glanced back at him with an overwhelming urge to run to him.

Banreas turned back to Cullen, then to the King, then back at Cullen… she felt trapped, corned. Again, they were leaving everything up to her. _If this so important to them, why are they asking me!_ She looked up at Cullen, reveling in the fact that he was alive and well. She clenched her jaw as she made up her mind. She searched his eyes for forgiveness, knowing full well he would be angry with her.

_He can be angry with me all he wants, it doesn’t matter. He’s alive._

“I would welcome the mages into the Inquisition to fight at our side,” Banreas declared as she gave Fiona what she hoped was a reassuring smile. She could hear Cullen’s sigh of disappointment; she reminded herself that it didn’t matter. She could take it.

Banreas looked at the King and she caught him exchange a look with Cullen; the King raised his eyebrows at Cullen, who in return only shook his head. _Do they know each other?_ She wondered. The King captured Banreas’ gaze once more and he gave her the slightest of smiles. She found it oddly alluring.

“You’d be a fool not to accept, Grand Enchanter. The Inquisition is offering a lot more than I would,” the King said. Banreas knew he was addressing Fiona, but he never took his eyes off of Banreas as he spoke. She tried her hardest to keep her facial expressions under control and she wondered if most people felt this way around the man.

“I accept. Thank you, Herald. We will do our best to help the Inquisition,” Fiona clasped Banreas’ marked hand and smiled warmly. The King flared his nostrils at Fiona’s gesture and turned away, motioning Cullen over to him.

When Fiona released Banreas’ hand, Banreas immediately headed for the doors. As soon as the doors to the throne room closed, she stormed out of the castle. The moment the crisp night air hit her face, she picked up her pace and ran down the stairs and into the courtyard. She began to cry, and she had no real direction. She found a large fountain and she sat down at the base of it. She hugged her knees up to her chest and continued to weep.

 _What is wrong with me?_ She felt like she asked herself this question constantly. Controlling her emotions never used to be so hard. When she told herself to purge her emotions, she did so effortlessly. It used to be so easy, but that was before she had any sort of control over herself. That was back when the only thing she had control over were her thoughts…

As she rocked herself back and forth, she wondered if everyone had such a hard time controlling their emotions, or if it was just her. _Clearly, it’s just me. I’m not normal, am I? But none of this is normal… Everything I just saw… I have every right to be upset, don’t I? s_ he asked herself. She clutched her hair and shook her head, trying to rid herself of her pain. It wasn’t working. She cried so hard; she never heard the sound of footsteps approaching.

“Herald?” a man asked.

Of course, it was Cullen. She peaked up at him, feeling a mixture of relief and anxiety. She watched him kneel down and reach for her. The moment his hands touched her shoulders she flung herself at him.

She placed the side of her face against the breastplate of his armor, and the cold steel cooled down her skin. She wrapped her arms around his pauldrons and lost herself in his scent. At first, she could feel Cullen hesitate; he stiffened in shock. He finally brought his arms down to embrace her and she sighed in relief. She just wanted to be held, to feel safe. Cullen always seemed to make her feel that way. One of his hands came up to stroke her hair as he tried to calm her down.

“Herald, I…  I just want you to listen for a moment,” Cullen began as he tried to pull her face up to look at him. Banreas shook her head. He sighed. “Herald, please. I’m-”

“ _Please_ , Cullen. I just need this,” she begged. He hugged her tighter and she could feel him shake his head.

“Maker, I swear I’m not angry. Well, not _that_ angry. Were you scared of what I would say? I just want to talk about this for a second,” he laughed lightly in an attempt to console her, and the sound brought Banreas joy.

She tried to commit the sound to memory, to erase the sounds of him taking his last breaths. She finally looked up at him and brought her face up to his. She placed her hands on his cheeks, relishing the feel of his smooth skin, trying to forget the sight of his withered body.  

“I want you to listen to me, Cullen,” she demanded. She finally stopped crying and her expression hardened. She lost herself in his amber eyes.

“That rift moved us forward in time. There were things I saw… things I learned…” Her resolve wavered as Cullen placed his hands on top of hers, squeezing lightly.

“I promise Dorian and I will tell you all what happened, but I just need you to know… the future I saw… It will _never_ come to pass. I will _never_ let anything happen to you, or anyone else. Do you understand?” She shook his face gently. For a brief moment, Cullen looked scared. He opened his mouth to say something but Banreas cut him off.

“Do you understand?” Banreas asked again.

Cullen pressed his forehead to hers and nodded. “I understand,”

“Good. I know you don’t agree with what I did, and we can argue all you want, but can it wait until later? Like, much later?” she asked. Cullen laughed against her skin, sending a thrill through her body.

“This is entirely unfair. If this is what you’re going to do every time we disagree, we’re going to have some problems. I think I prefer sparring,” he said as he stood up, bringing her with him.

“Oh well,” she shrugged. She smiled at him and he smiled back. She remembered the revelation she had when she went through the rift. _I love him, he is my friend. Should I tell him that?_ She hesitated, and Cullen spoke before she could get the words out.  

“You win. I’ve decided I don’t want to argue about any of this. So, you can forget about it,” he wiped the tears from her cheeks. “Let’s go back inside, the King wants me to formally introduce you to him,” he said as he stepped back and proffered up his arm for her to take. She snaked her hands around his arm, and they began walking back to the castle.

“Do I have to?” she pouted. Cullen chuckled and turned away from her.

“Maker’s breath, you don’t play fair. Yes, you do. If we aren’t going to argue, you at least have to speak to the King. We entered into this castle without permission. We should make amends with the man while he’s here,”

“ _Fine_ ,” she sighed in resignation as she let him lead the way. She pulled out her necklace and ran her fingers along the beads. She tugged on it a little, toying with the sensation of feeling the beads straining against her neck.

She thought of the possibility of destroying it, just like the voice told her to. When she said she would do anything to protect he friends, she meant it.

* * *

Cullen led her back into the throne room and there was a flurry of activity. The Venatori were still being rounded up and apprehended. The King’s soldiers seemed to be securing the castle room by room. Banreas spotted the King walking around the room, tossing things to the ground that she assumed didn’t belong there.

Again, she felt that electric current in the air; the weight of his presence. She wasn’t entirely sure she wanted to be introduced to the man. She slowed down and looked up at Cullen, shaking her head.

“I’m nervous,” she admitted. He gave her a lopsided grin as he continued to walk toward the King.

“Nervous of him? Trust me, there’s no need to be nervous. He’s a good man, but I think he has the right to be angry right now, don’t you?” Cullen muttered under his breath as they neared the man in question. Banreas exhaled sharply as she nodded her assent. Of course the man was angry, how many people had infiltrated this castle right under his nose?

They stood before the King who was looking through a pile of papers on a table. He briefly glanced over them before tossing it back down. 

“Maker! They thought they could make this castle their stronghold! Stupid, wretched-” the King spun around and his rant came to a halt when he spotted them. “Oh! Well, a little warning next time Cullen, please and thank you!” The King shook his head with chagrin as he patted Cullen’s shoulder.

 _He addressed him as Cullen. They definitely know each other._ The King’s eyes came to rest on Banreas and she could see the wonder in his gaze. He smiled at her and bowed his head. Banreas stopped breathing.

“And to whom do I owe the pleasure of relieving me of one of my many headaches?” he asked as he stared at Banreas.

“This is the Herald of Andraste, Banreas Lavellan,” Cullen announced as he withdrew his arm, leaving her feeling lost. The King extended his hand out to her.

“Herald of Andraste,” his voice was warm and sweet, it suited the king. “I am Alistair Theirin,” his smile broadened as she surrendered her left hand into his. He grasped it tightly, brushing his thumb over the glowing mark on the back of her hand. It made her pulse quicken and it sent shivers down her spine. She squeezed back.

“Your Majesty,” she murmured as she placed one foot behind the other and gave a slight curtsey. She hoped that was the correct way to address a monarch; she had never been trained on how to address a king…

“ _Your Majesty_ … ugh. You’d think after all this time I’d get use to that… Please, call me anything but that. Well, not _anything_ ; you wouldn’t believe some of the things I’ve heard…” He laughed nervously. “Just call me Alistair,” he said with a wink.

Banreas grew rigid. _Me? Call the King by his first name? I think not._ All she could do was dip her head in acknowledgement. Alistair finally released her hand and clasped his hands together in the front. He looked over at Cullen and dismissed him with a short nod. Cullen placed his fist across his chest and bowed before walking away, leaving Banreas alone with the man.

“Will you take a walk with me? There are some things I’d like to discuss,” Alistair asked as he offered his arm up to her. She didn’t know this man, nor did she have any reason to trust him, but he was the King of Ferelden, she couldn’t refuse.

She agreed and wrapped her hands around the man’s arm. He led her to one of the side doors, away from the throne room. Before she walked through the door, she caught Leliana’s eye. The woman tilted her head and arched an eyebrow at her, a smile playing on the edge of her lips. _What was that look for? I am so lost…_ Banreas hoped her walk with the King would be brief, she wasn’t sure she could take much more.

Alistair led her through a narrow, dimly lit hallway and she couldn’t help but think that this was an odd place to take a walk. Alistair strolled the halls at a leisurely pace, completely at ease. Banreas brought her left hand out before her, using it as a light. Alistair chuckled at the sight and Banreas was enraptured by the sound of his laugh; it was buttery and smooth.

“So, Herald of Andraste, eh? How do you like that title?” he asked as he glanced down at her.

“I hate it,” she admitted.

Alistair snorted. “Of course you do! We don’t get to choose the names that people call us, but _Herald of Andraste_ brings the people hope. I’ve seen it,” he began to slow down as he turned to the wall. He reached out to touch the stone and his forehead creased in concentration. A mischievous smirk lit up his face as he turned to look at her.

“Can I use your glowing hand for a moment?” he asked as he reached for the hand in question. Banreas floundered under the strange request, but Alistair didn’t wait for response. He grabbed her hand and slowly waved it over the stone. Banreas could feel a peculiar energy pulsing through his veins and she was beginning to wonder if he was a mage. He must have found what he was looking for because he paused their hands over a stone that wasn’t the same shape as the others.

“Ah, here we are. This is quite useful!” he squeezed her hand gently before releasing it. He turned and placed the entire right side of his body on the wall and shoved. It was a door, and it seemed ancient. Banreas marveled at it and realized that it must be the secret passageway that Leliana used.

Alistair walked through first and grabbed a brazier off the wall that was already lit and motioned for her to follow. He offered her his arm once more and this time she took it without hesitating. Alistair cleared his throat and then sighed. She looked up at him and she could see him mulling over something in his head.

“Yes, your Majesty?” Banreas prompted. Alistair frowned and cocked an eyebrow at her.

“Just _Alistair_. Remember?” he asked.

“I… no,” Banreas paled as she realized she was speaking to the King and she just told him _no._

“ _No_?” he repeated.

“Mmm-mmm,” She shook her head at him. _I’ve already stuck my foot in my mouth, might as well stick with it._

Alistair threw his head back and laughed. “Well, alright then! The rumors I’ve heard didn’t mention you were stubborn. Anyway, _Herald_ , I wanted to know what the Inquisition’s next steps are,” she could hear the sarcasm in his voice, and she narrowed her eyes at him.

“I’m not sure I am the person to speak to about that. I think Leliana or Cullen could be of more help,” she said with a sigh.

“I distinctly remember everyone just asking you what to do. So, no. I think you are the person I need to speak to. I just wanted to hear your honest opinion,” he winked at her and the light from the brazier made his eyes twinkle.

“I-I… okay. What _specifically_ did you want to know?” she acquiesced.

“Well, there are a number of rifts still open here in the Hinterlands, and people continue to flee from their homes,” he paused to bring the brazier down, illuminating the ground and revealing a flight of stairs; he guided her down.

“And it isn’t just the rifts people are fleeing from. The fighting between the rogue Templars and the mages got so bad, I was desperate to try and put an end to it, so people could live in peace,” He sighed as they reached the bottom of the stairs and he pushed open another door. They stepped out into a lush forest. The King’s soldiers bustled to and fro, patrolling the secret entrance. He inhaled deeply and closed his eyes for a moment.

“That’s why I let the mages take refuge in the castle. I thought maybe the fighting would stop. The Venatori had been spotted as far as Denerim, and I had my army rooting out the Venatori near my home. I didn’t think they’d entrench themselves here. I didn’t think that the Grand Enchanter would allow that…” he opened his eyes and looked down at her. “Anyway, the people here at Redcliffe needed help and that’s when the Inquisition stepped in. Where _you_ stepped in. The refugees have been running off to the Inquisition, not the King, for help…”

Banreas removed her hands from his arm and crossed her arms behind her back. She knew what he was trying to get at, but she couldn’t tell how he felt about it. She turned to face him, and he did the same.

“Now, that’s fine and all, Maker knows I can use the help. But, it’s not a good look for the King now is it?” he asked. She wondered why he used the title _King_ as if he was referring to someone else. She chewed on her lower lip and softened her eyes, hoping to appeal to him.

“Your Majesty, I-” she began.

“Alistair,” he corrected her with a grin. Her mouth twitched as she fought a smile. She shook her head defiantly at him.

“ _Your Majesty,_ the Inquisition only wants to help bring peace. I am trying my best to close these rifts. We encountered this time magic and I knew we had to do something!” she implored. Alistair held his hand up to halt her.

“I know, and I welcome your help. I just… well… I’d like it better if we coordinated our relief efforts. I have not forgotten my people, this is my Kingdom and I intend to defend it,” his voice burned with determination. “I just want us to work together so that the people know I have not forgotten them,”

“You mean you want to work with the Inquisition?” Banreas was adamant on making that distinction.

“No, no, no. I meant you and me. Like I said, seems like you’re the one in charge,” he shook his finger at her and Banreas giggled. Any nervousness she first had around the man was long gone.

“No, I’m not! But I’d be a fool not to accept your help,” she said as she bobbed her head side to side and rolled her eyes. She flashed a huge smile at him, all teeth. He smiled in return.

“Good, it’s settled then. Now what _isn’t_ settled is this,” he turned back around to the door they just walked through. “What should I do about this entrance?”

“You mean, now that half of the Inquisition has used it?” she asked, her voice heavy with sarcasm. She sucked in her lips trying not to laugh again.

“Point taken. Tell your illustrious spy master I’m sealing this damn thing up,” and with that he led them back inside the castle.

Upon arriving back at the throne room, Banreas realized that the Inquisition soldiers appeared ready to depart. Cullen, Leliana, and Cassandra stood near the throne talking amongst themselves. Before climbing the stairs leading to the throne, Alistair stopped and turned to her and he wore a coy smile.

“ _Herald of Andraste,_ it was a pleasure to meet you. I will secure Redcliffe, but after that I will write you. I look forward to hearing from you,” he murmured as he grabbed the fingers of her left hand up to his lips. He pressed his lips gently on her knuckles and Banreas wanted to faint. His lips were soft, supple, and moist. She blushed from head to toe.

“I-I, yes. We will speak soon,” she managed to stammer back, blessedly remembering her manners. He released her hand and bowed deeply. He winked at her again before turning and walking away.

Stupefied, Banreas climbed the steps up to the throne to speak to her companions. She froze when she saw Cullen. The man’s entire face was beet red and it looked like he was recovering from a coughing spell. Cassandra held a hand over her mouth, but her eyes twinkled in delight and Leliana pursed her lips at Banreas. Leliana stepped forward and raised a brow at her.

“So, what did the King want with you?” she asked lightly. Banreas frowned as she looked back at Cullen who’s lips quivered as he waited for her to respond.

“Well, the King wants to help the Inquisition with some of the relief efforts that we started in the Hinterlands. Why?” Banreas asked as she turned back to Leliana. Leliana stuck her chin out.

“Oh, he does? How very interesting,” Leliana’s tone indicated she was hinting at something but Banreas couldn’t tell what it was. Cullen suddenly burst out laughing and Cassandra punched his arm. Cullen quickly covered his mouth and tried to disguise the laugh with a cough. Banreas’ jaw dropped at the display.

“Well then, the next time I want something from the King, I’ll just send you off to Denerim instead,” Leliana flashed her a wicked grin before walking away. Cullen began laughing again and Cassandra shoved at him trying to push him away down the stairs.

Banreas stood there watching them walk away, at a loss for words, when Dorian appeared at her side. He leaned in close to whisper in her ear.

“If she sends you to Denerim, make sure you come see me first. I’ll put a bow on you, too,” he teased. He waggled his eyebrows at her as he looped his arm around hers. “Come along now, you charming little duck. Time to get you home,”

 _Home. Yes, Haven is my home_ , she thought with longing. Feeling exhausted, both physically and emotionally, and now very confused, Banreas leaned on Dorian and let him lead her away.

She smiled to herself and said “Yes, it’s time to go home,”


	19. Ready to Listen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grand Enchanter Fiona and the rebel mages have arrived at Haven. Something about their arrival made Banreas re-live a memory... the day she chose her name. 
> 
> She finally sees Carlisle in her dreams and she is more than ready to listen to him. What he tells her and what she comes to accept changes her irreparably.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has been so long since I updated this. I recently started a new job and boy has that been an adjustment period! 
> 
> Perhaps I'm compensating for the long gap in posting here, but this chapter feels long. *It certainly took a long time to write* but I had soooooo much fun writing it! I hope you enjoy! 
> 
> *BTW, there is a smidgen of smut. If you're not here for smut then you are unfortunately missing out on some very important details about Banreas!*

_“Oh, bother!” she grumbled._

_She sat crisscross on her bed with a book in her lap. She slammed it shut and tossed it across the room. The book was too complicated; there were a number of words she had never seen before and it infuriated her._

_She chewed on lower lip, trying her best not to cry. She did not want to accept that she didn’t understand the text, so she stood up to grab the book and try again._

_“My lady?” a voice called out; it was a man’s voice._

_It was the Templar, Carlisle, and he had peeked his head into her room. The elf jumped at the sound of his voice, pressing her back up against the wall. Carlisle shook his head apologetically and raised his hands up._

_“It’s alright, I am just here to deliver a message. Can I come in?” he inquired. The elf eyed him nervously before pointing at a chair in the room. Carlisle dipped his head at her before moving into the room and taking a seat at the chair she pointed at._

_Carlisle was not in armor. He wore a light Chantry tunic, but he still carried his broadsword. He wore his long blonde hair in a braid, and he ran a hand over his already smooth hair. His honey eyes were so warm and inviting that they seemed to be melting._

_She did not know what to make of him yet. She had been at Orzammar for nearly a fortnight, and he had yet to leave. She was under the impression that he would surrender her to the care of the Circle, but it seemed like he had not made any plans to leave._

_He was scanning the room and his eyes fell on the book on the ground; he frowned at it. He rose from the chair and picked up the book. She tensed, fearing that he would become angry with her. Instead, he simply thumbed through the book, scoffed, and held it out to her. She hesitated for a few moments before quickly snatching it back without meeting his gaze._

_“How can you read that?” he asked in disbelief. His light voice sounded amused. She didn’t answer him, she simply shook her head at the ground._

_“Maker’s breath, that book is so old! Scholarly drivel…,” he chuckled._

_Her lips parted in astonishment. “Scholarly drivel?” she repeated. Carlisle’s apparent amusement turned into shock; she hardly ever spoke._

_“I-I… I mean… well, yes. Its not like they write that stuff for common folk to understand. If you can make sense of it, please let me know,” he took a step toward her and his lips turned up just slightly at the corners._

_Although he had saved her from certain death, she was terrified of him. She tried to make herself smaller, willing herself to melt into the wall as she turned her head away._

_He immediately took a step back. “I am sorry, please forgive my intrusion,” he whispered._

_She turned back to look at him and his face was filled with caution and remorse. He had a curious scar over his right eye, and she was beginning to wonder how he got it. She had a strong urge to reach out and touch it._

_“You have a message, serah?” she mumbled as she shuffled nervously on her feet. He nodded and his posture stiffened, and his face became impossible to read._

_“Yes, First Enchanter Elaine would like to see you. If you would come with me please,” he said as he walked to the door. He paused and waited for her to follow. She sighed and let him lead the way._

_She was still adjusting to being in Orzammar. It was as if her body knew she was underground, and her eyes seemed unwilling to adjust to the constant darkness. Despite the darkness, the Circle was colorful and bright in its own way. There were vibrant red and orange banners that hung low from the ceiling, and hundreds of candles were lit to make the dark and cold stone more inviting._

_Carlisle took her into one of the large lecture rooms where the First Enchanter sat at her desk. The First Enchanter was tall and deceptively delicate. She was a Rivaini woman and she looked the part. She favored gold and brown shawls that complimented her bronze skin. She had piercing blue eyes and sported a buzz cut to hide her graying hair. The First Enchanter stood up and walked around her desk, her arms out wide._

_“My dear, my lady, my child, young one, the new girl!” The First Enchanter’s sultry voice was captivating despite her playfulness._

_The elf clenched her teeth and bowed._

_“Now, now… what did we say about the bowing? Please, stand,” The First Enchanter said with a frown. Her frown was replaced with a grin when the elf complied._

_“Good! Now my child, I grow weary of calling you ‘my child’ or ‘my dear’. Have you decided on a name yet?” The First Enchanter seemed eager; she stood a foot away from the elf as she examined her._

_The elf hesitated as her eyes flitted between the First Enchanter and Carlisle. When the Circle took her in, she couldn’t give them a name and a few of the Templars and apprentices grew frustrated with her. But, the First Enchanter was wise; she seemed to understand the reason why. First Enchanter Elaine gave the elf the task of picking a name for herself, but it took the elf longer than expected to decide._

_The elf took a deep, steadying breath and nodded, and Carlisle unexpectedly beamed at her. The First Enchanter gave Carlisle an odd look before turning to the elf._

_“Splendid. Tell me, my dear; what is your name?” The First Enchanter urged._

_The elf noticed that the air suddenly become hot and dry, and there was a ringing in her ears. She crossed her arms behind her back as she steeled herself. She could do this…_

_“My name will be Banreas… my name IS Banreas,” she said confidently. Banreas’ palms became sweaty as she waited for the First Enchanter to respond._

_“Banreas… what a beautiful name, is it not?” The First Enchanter asked as she turned to Carlisle. Carlisle stared open-mouthed at Banreas. His honey eyes bored into Banreas’ soul as he nodded slowly._

_“Banreas, yes… beautiful,” he murmured. Banreas felt the heat flooding her cheeks under his gaze. She tore her eyes away from him and looked to the First Enchanter._

_“Banreas, I called you here because I want to offer you a solution. I have a way to keep you and everyone else safe. It will be a process, but I can assure you I will not hurt you. Do you accept?” The First Enchanter asked._

_“Yes, yes! I accept!” Banreas blurted out. She would do anything to stay at the Circle._

_“Excellent, we should begin immedi-” The First Enchanter began but Carlisle cut in._

_“First Enchanter, if I may? I would like to formally join the Circle here, if you will allow it. I will stay and watch over her… if that is alright?” Carlisle looked over at Banreas with a hopeful expression._

_Banreas stared at him in astonishment. Carlisle would be her personal guard? She searched his eyes for any hint of deceit but found none. She could not hold his gaze for long. She looked away but nodded in his general direction._

_“Thank you, my lady… Banreas,” Carlisle bowed and Banreas caught the movement in the corner of her eye. She was certain that her skin turned a deep crimson._

_The First Enchanter smirked at Carlisle. “Yes, of course you can stay. All are welcome here,” Elaine turned to Banreas and smiled kindly. The First Enchanter held her hand out to Banreas._

_“Are you ready?”_

* * *

Banreas rubbed her tired eyes and exhaled loudly. She and Sera worked through the night and into the morning helping Cullen, Blackwall, and the soldiers put together the last of the huts for Grand Enchanter Fiona and her people. Sera had fallen asleep on a bench by the smithy, and Banreas stood watching the rebel mages walking through Haven’s gates with Dorian and Vivienne at her side. Grand Enchanter Fiona stood close by directing people and giving orders.

Something about Fiona reminded Banreas of Elaine. Watching Fiona made her think back to the day that she chose a name and she did not know what caused her to re-live that memory.

“There are far more mages than I expected,” Dorian commented to no one in particular.

“My dear, this can’t possibly come as a surprise. Do you know how many mages a single Circle tower could house?” Vivienne asked, her hands on her hips.

“No, I can’t imagine, and I don’t care to. Terribly dreadful these Circles of yours” Dorian countered.

“Mmm,” was Vivienne’s only icy response.

She turned to address Banreas. “So many mages with no rules to govern them… tell me, my dear. What did you hope to accomplish by welcoming the rebel mages into the Inquisition without any oversight?”

Banreas shrugged her shoulders and crossed her arms behind her back. “Vivienne, you and I were the lucky ones. None of these mages had the freedoms we had, and we should be mindful of that. And I… I don’t know. I am not sure why they left it up to me in the first place,”

“And why wouldn’t they leave it to you?” Vivienne challenged. Banreas took some time to answer her. Vivienne challenged her quite often, although she wasn’t malicious about it. She seemed to enjoy a civilized debate.  

“I am not qualified,” that was all that Banreas could come up with.

“Not qualified? My dear, I’ve heard you talk. You have a way with words. That alone will get you quite far. That, and that charm of yours,” Vivienne flashed her a knowing look as she pursed her lips.

“Oh, yes. That charm works quite well,” Dorian chimed in as he winked at Banreas, looking her up and down. Dorian’s wink caused her heart to flutter.

Unable to take their unexpected attention, Banreas excused herself and went off to try and see if she could help in some way. She navigated through the crowd in search of Fiona. It took some time, but she finally found the petite elf talking to Cullen at the command station beyond the gate.

Banreas’ attention immediately turned to Cullen. He looked exhausted. He ran a hand through his hair, closed his eyes, and dismissed Fiona with a wave of his hand. Banreas hated seeing him look so tired. She walked up to him as Fiona walked away.

“Commander, you look like you just agreed to something you didn’t want to agree to,” she said with a smile. Cullen opened his eyes and gave her a tired grin.

“The Grand Enchanter wants to use the Chantry as a meeting space. There a number of reasons why that is not a good idea, as you can imagine. But then, I remembered it would likely upset Chancellor Roderick, so I allowed it,” his eyes brightened with amusement and his grin became lopsided.

Banreas giggled at the idea of Chancellor Roderick throwing a fit over rebel mages in the Chantry. She collected herself as she remembered why she walked over in the first place.

“Commander, I came to see if I can help you. What would you have me do?” She asked.

“What would I have you do? Maker’s breath, you’ve been up just as long as I have. You can help me by getting some sleep,” Cullen shook his head incredulously. Banreas pouted.

“But, its only midday! I can-” she began to protest but stopped as Cullen came to stand behind her, grasped her shoulders, and steered her away from the command station.

“Herald, you’re no good to us dead on your feet,” he said.

“Neither are you,” she countered. Cullen clicked his tongue at her.

“Banreas…”

He rarely called her by her name, but the way he said it… she looked up at him and a wave of emotion crashed over her. For a brief moment, she wished that the face she was looking at was Carlisle’s. In that moment, she wished to hear Carlisle say her name. Just one more time…

She let Cullen guide her all the way back to the Singing Maiden. They stopped at the door, and before he let her go, he squeezed her shoulders.

“ _Sleep,_ ” he commanded her. She nodded wordlessly at him, her mind in a haze.

She let herself into the inn and walked up the stairs to her room. She began dragging her feet, her exhaustion building with each step. She walked into her room and stumbled over Sera’s maze of clothing on the floor and threw herself onto her bed.

She managed to turn over onto her back and shimmy her way under the blanket. Her eyelids shut and she was unable to open them again.

Right before she fell asleep, she thought back to the day she picked her name. The day she heard Carlisle first say it…

“ _My lady… Banreas,”_

And then she dozed off.

* * *

Banreas rolled over and she could feel that she was laying on a different bed. She opened her eyes and noticed that the pillow her head rested on wasn’t hers. She sat up and she instantly recognized her surroundings.

She was at the Circle, her Circle. And this was Carlisle’s room. This was _his_ bed.  _What happened? I went to bed and I..._ and then it hit her. She was dreaming. 

She was overcome with a sense of fear and she jumped out of the bed. Her heart began pounding in her chest and she made for the door. Before she could open it, she saw the door handle moving. She backed away to let the door open. There was only one person it could be… 

Carlisle stepped through the door.

“Hey there, Bee,” he greeted her with a warm smile. He closed the door behind him.

Tears filled Banreas eyes. Tears of joy, of pain, of confusion, of longing… Carlisle didn’t hesitate as he walked up to her and scooped her up in his arms. The movement was smooth and fluid, as if they had done this a thousand times.

“You came to me, I didn’t have to come find you,” he nuzzled his lips against the base of her ear and began peppering kisses all the way to the tip. She leaned into his kisses as she wrapped her arms around his broad back.

“I don’t understand. What do you mean I came to you?” she breathed; her voice barely audible.

Carlisle ghosted his lips back down her ear and across her cheek, his lips left a trail of heat in their wake. He gently pressed his lips to hers as his hands came to cup the sides of her face. Banreas grasped tufts of his hair, parted her lips, and kissed him back.

Her desire had been building like a storm over the ocean. She struggled to understand why she was responding this way, and why Carlisle was being so forward. Carlisle ran his tongue along her lower lip and Banreas opened her mouth wider to grant him entrance. He let loose a low moan into her mouth, and their lips moved against one another.

There was a sense of desperation in his kiss, something deep… As he intertwined his fingers in her hair and he pushed her up against the wall, she suddenly realized she understood why. She reluctantly broke away from the kiss and took a moment to breathe, but Carlisle quickly reclaimed her mouth with his own.

A sound escaped her mouth that made her blush from head to toe. She placed her hands on the sides of his face and pulled back.

“Wait, please. I think I understand, Carlisle,” she moaned. She rested her forehead against his and listened to his heavy breathing. He didn’t respond right away. She watched as the fire in his honey eyes died down a little.

“It doesn’t really matter. You’re here now,” his voice had grown husky, and it drove Banreas wild. She shook her head at him.

“No, it does. You said you would show me how you felt… I’m ready, Carlisle. I want you to show me,” she purred. She ran her hands down his back and placed them on his hips. She pulled him up against her and she moaned as she felt his obvious excitement against her thigh.

Carlisle pulled back and collected her hands in his own. She groaned impatiently. _Did I not say that I am ready? What more does he need to hear?_

“You’re ready? You’re ready to listen to me now?” he asked as he kissed her fingers.

“I want you to _show_ me,” she clarified. She was surprised by the tone of her voice; it was demanding even without her trying.

Carlisle laughed against her fingers. “Can’t we do both?” he asked as he guided her back to his bed.

He sat her down and she looked up at him expectantly. He pulled on the leather band keeping her bun in place and ran his fingers through her hair. She was at eye level with his hips and her gaze was drawn to the growing bulge in his trousers. She chewed on her lower lip as she placed her hands on his hips, pulling him closer to her.

Carlisle grabbed her chin and pulled her face up toward him. He ran his thumb across her lips and Banreas thought she would lose her mind. He knelt down before her and placed his hands on her knees to part them. Her body was truly frenzied now. Desired pooled in between her legs as Carlisle leaned in to kiss her nose.

“Bee, I need you to focus. Just listen to me for a moment,” he said seriously. His forehead creased in concentration and Banreas ran a finger along the scar over his eye.

“I am listening, I promise,” she assured him after quickly pecking his cheek. She crinkled her nose at him; she liked the feel of his stubble on her lips.

Carlisle grinned at her, but he soon began to grind his teeth back and forth. He looked away from her, pressing his head on her collarbone.

“I always thought that this would be easy once I got you to sit and listen, but Maker’s breath this is hard,” he sounded frustrated. Banreas freed his hair from its usual ponytail and caressed the back of his head, hoping that he would relax. She heard him inhale sharply and he finally met her gaze.

“I have been stuck here in the in-between. It’s been a long time. At first, I didn’t realize what happened or what was going on. I’d see people… visions… the world would change; sometimes randomly and other times because… I guess my mind willed it,” Carlisle paused as he grabbed her marked hand and held it up between them. He kissed her palm along the edges of the mark before making his way to her wrist where he inhaled deeply.

“And then, this place showed me what happened. It showed me that I died, and I was so angry. Angry at the world, angry at myself!” he spat. His eyes became watery and she couldn’t bear to see him that way. She opened her mouth to speak but he silenced her with a kiss.

“You promised to listen, remember?” he whispered against her lips. When he was satisfied that she would listen he continued.

“Do you know why I was angry?” he asked her. She shook her head at him. “I was angry because I wasn’t there to protect you. I let you wander off and look what happened,” he said as he squeezed her left hand. Banreas stared at him in shock. The way he spoke; it was as if he knew exactly what happened at the Conclave. _Wander off? Why would I wander off? C_ _reators, why can’t I remember what happened!_

“And I knew… I knew I should have told you the truth before we arrived at the Temple. But I didn’t. I thought I had time,” he released her hand. He grabbed one of the strings that laced the front of her shirt and began to undo it. Banreas entire body trembled.

“Is this alright?” he paused to ask before he continued any further.

“Yes,” was all she could say. Carlisle continued unlacing her shirt, his hands moving achingly slow.

“I was a broken man when I met you. I was lost. The Order had abandoned me… it failed me… after all my service… after everything I endured. I was ready to leave. That night you arrived at the Chantry; I was already planning to leave the Order. But then, there you were,” he said as he looked up at her with adoration.

“At first, I couldn’t believe what you had done. In that moment, you seemed so frail, so fragile. Like any little word would break you. I saw the fear in your eyes, but I could feel your love for your friends. And then, it was like seeing the light for the first time,” he finally finished unlacing her shirt.

He brought his fingers back up and ran them along her collarbone before gently sliding her shirt off. He ran his fingers along the top of her breasts and her pulse quickened. She gasped when his lips replaced his fingers; his breath was hot, and his lips were soft. His hands set to work on her corset.

“You did what you needed to do to protect the ones you love. You were so brave. I knew then I couldn’t let anything happen to you. I had this urge to protect you and make sure you were safe. You gave me a purpose when I lost my direction. The Maker sent you to me right when I needed you,”

She felt her corset come undone and he hurriedly removed it. Her body responded to the air touching her bare skin and she felt goosebumps erupt all over. He dragged his tongue down in between her breasts and Banreas moaned in ecstasy. She leaned back on her elbows and Carlisle moved his tongue and pressed it against her nipple.

She squirmed as she felt his lips finally close down on her puckered skin. He let out a low rumble against her sensitive skin and her body bloomed underneath him. She spread her legs and leaned all the way back as he took more of her in his mouth.

“Carlisle… I can’t… focus…” she panted. He released her and he chuckled at her breathless state. _Creators this man is wonderful._ She couldn’t believe this was happening, that he could want someone like her. He got up and laid down on top of her. He stared down at her fondly.

“Even when you were safe at the Circle, you were so frightened, and you trusted no one. But I needed to be around you, I wanted to know you. You shut me out for so long, but you finally learned to trust me. Maker, I remember the first time you let me hold your hand,” he laughed, and their bodies were so close that the movement did funny things to her body.

“You held my hand, and I swear I wanted to run away with you. I made my mind up that day. I didn’t want to honor my vows. I wanted you. I wanted to be with you,”

Banreas froze. Her breath caught in her throat. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing.

_Stop, you promised to listen. You said you were ready…_

“I had made up mind. I wanted so much more than what we were. I decided I was going to ask you to leave the Circle with me,”

_No, this can’t be real…_

“But, the First Enchanter wanted to take you to the Conclave to speak about how the Circle helped you. And Maker’s breath, you were so excited. I wanted you to go. I wanted you to be happy. And I knew you loved her. So, I decided to tell her that I wanted to be with you, and I asked for her blessing,” He smiled and leaned down to kiss her quivering lips.

 _No, no, no. Is this really him? Or is this a spirit taking his shape? No, that can’t be!_ Her vision became blurred and she realized she was crying.

“Do you know what she said, Bee?” he asked as his hands trailed down over the plains of her stomach and he grasped the top of her pants. She shook her head at him.

“She said,  _Finally. Took you two long enough_ ,” they both laughed at that. Banreas stared up at the ceiling as she wiped her eyes. _Creators, please. Let him be telling the truth._

“I had it all planned out. After the Conclave, I was going to ask you to come back home with me, to Honnleath. I wanted to marry you and I wanted a house of our own. I knew I couldn’t ask you to marry me right away, I knew I’d have to give you time even after leaving the Circle… but that is what has kept me here. That is what has been keeping me from moving on,” he paused again and Banreas could see the tortured soul behind his eyes.

“I love you, and I need to know; would you have said yes? Would you have run away with me?” Carlisle swallowed hard and she felt him grow stiff.

In order to answer him, Banreas needed to believe that this was him. She needed to believe that he was telling the truth. She never believed that someone could love her. She didn’t think that she was worthy, but Carlisle had been trying to tell her how he felt for weeks. _Yes, this is him. I believe him…_

Her heart split open and the contents that spilled out filled her entire body, it warmed her from head to toe.

“Carlisle, I love you,” Banreas felt like the revelation would tear her apart. Carlisle beamed at her and smashed his lips to hers.

“You love me? You mean that, I can see it in your eyes. But I still need to know, would you have said yes?” he asked again.

 _There is no one I trusted more than him. He was my guardian, my savior…_ she nuzzled her nose against his.

“I would have followed you anywhere, Carlisle. Yes, I would have said yes!” she smiled up at him as she wrapped her arms around him and kissed him all over. She kissed his nose, his cheeks, his chin, the scar above his eye. “Yes, I would have said yes,” she said again.

She wished she would have listened to him sooner. To know that after everything that happened to her, after everything that she had done… even though she was a monster… he still loved her. And she loved him.

Something inside of her changed.

She could feel the difference as she reached up to kiss him, her tongue hungrily seeking entrance. She had never been able to choose who she laid down with.  She never got to choose who was allowed to touch her.

Even though this was just a dream and Carlisle was gone, he loved her, and she loved him. Even though this would be their only chance to indulge in one another; she embraced it. Banreas pulled off his shirt and marveled at the wondrous man that laid on top of her. _I get to choose, and I choose him. I don’t want to hold back anymore. I want to feel, I want to love._

“Carlisle, will you still show me how you feel? I would have said yes, I would have let you love me. I would have let you touch me. Will you show me now?” Banreas almost begged him. She fought the tears that threatened to spill over. The way he looked at her… she knew she would never see him again. He had his answer now, his spirit would be able to rest.

“Banreas,” his voice was husky and filled with desire.

“I’m going to give you all of me, and I want all of you. I am yours,” he murmured as he pulled off her pants. Banreas surrendered her body to him, she trusted him to take care of her. She was done talking; she was ready to give in to her desires.

Before she lost all sense, she took his face in her hands and said:

“I am ready. Make me yours,”


	20. Fulfilling a Promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two days have passed since Banreas' encounter with Carlisle and she still has questions that only one person can answer. Solas. She decides to use this as an excuse to spend time with him so she can begin fulfilling the promise she made him. But Banreas isn't used to telling secrets and how it makes her feel, and she hopes that Solas will be understanding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Elven Phrases:  
> On Dhea = Good morning

Banreas stood outside of the apothecary with her left hand hovering over the door handle while she clutched The Tale of the Champion in the other. She had intended on visiting Solas; she wanted to spend time with him. Her plan was to ask him if he would like to sit and read with her, but as she stood outside the building she thought that sounded foolish.

“ _On dhea, lethal’lin. Would you like to read with me?_ Oh, that doesn’t sound right,” she muttered to herself as she stepped away from the door and began to pace back and forth.

 _How is this supposed to work? I don’t know what I’m doing,_ she sighed as she leaned up against the wall of the building and closed her eyes. Two days had passed since she dreamt of Carlisle and something about the dream had bothered her.

She felt… different. She woke up feeling unfulfilled and she felt exhausted. Carlisle felt strange; he didn’t feel whole and she imagined that is what it would be like to hold onto a cloud. But that had not been the only thing. Her first thought upon waking up was to find Solas.

She had so many questions that she knew only he could answer. But the dream had been so personal she was scared to approach Solas about it. Banreas spent the last two days discussing how she would close the Breach with Solas and the Grand Enchanter, but she shied away from discussing her dream.

Banreas also noticed that she couldn’t tear her eyes off of Solas. Each time she looked into his eyes, she thought back to what she promised him when she went forward in time. She promised to spend more time with him.

Now here she was, standing outside the apothecary and she was stuck. She was overwhelmed with a myriad of emotions. She had been in mourning knowing she would never see Carlisle again, but at the same time there was a yearning and burning in her heart, and she had been walking around in a daze. There was only one thing she was certain about, she wanted to try to keep her promise to Solas.

_Maybe it can bring us closer. Do I want that? Yes, I think I do. Is that wrong? Why would that be wrong?_

“Oh, bother!” she grumbled. Banreas tucked the book under her arm, held her chin up high, and walked into the apothecary.

She nodded at Adan but headed straight for the stairs, taking them two at a time. As she reached the top, she felt like her feet were being weighed down by stones. She was nervous. Her palms became sweaty and she had to wipe them off on her pants. She fiddled with her tunic and ran a hand down the front to smooth it out. She willed her stomach to stop flipping about and knocked on his door.

She could hear Solas’ footsteps as he approached the door and Banreas had the wild urge to flee. _This is a mistake; I made a promise I cannot keep._ Banreas pressed her tongue to her cheek, crossed her arms behind her back, and decided she couldn’t do this. Just as she began to turn around, she heard Solas’ door swing open.

_Creators, save me._

Banreas turned back to face him, keenly aware that she had not controlled her facial expression in time. She knew that he caught her obvious signs of distress before she plastered a smile on her face; his eyes softened, and his mouth fell open.

Banreas spoke before he could comment on it. “On dhea, lethal’lin,” she forced her smile wider. His eyes lit up and he smiled in return.

“Lethal’lan,” he bowed his head at her. “It is still very early, we are not due to meet with the Grand Enchanter until noon,” he raised his brow at her but opened his door wider and gestured for her to step inside. Banreas took a deep breath and did as he asked.

“Oh, I know. I just… well, I…” Banreas floundered under his intense gaze as she held up her book suggestively. She shook her head and sighed in defeat. “I actually wanted to ask you about something. I think you’re the only one who can help me,” she chewed on the inside of her cheek as she felt her ears grow hot.

 “Of course, is it your hand?” Solas’ smooth baritone voice was filled with concern. He walked up to her and placed his hands on her shoulders. He enveloped her with his scent; it filled her lungs until she could register nothing else. He ran his fingers down her arm and over the mark on her hand.

Banreas let him place his hand over hers as he began soothing the area with light healing magic. _He always does this, even when I don’t ask._ She let herself enjoy the sensation before answering him.

“No, it isn’t my hand. But that is… nice,” she admitted.

“I see,” he murmured as he stared down at the mark. He squeezed her hand for a moment before releasing it. “You seem deeply troubled,” he commented as he met her gaze.

Banreas looked away from him as her stomach turned. Being so close to him made her feel exposed and vulnerable. _It’s okay, you can do this,_ she told herself. She peeked up at him through her lashes and found that he had bent his head down low as his eyes roamed her face.

“I wanted to talk about a dream I had,” she said as she averted her eyes once more.

“A dream?” he sounded surprised. Banreas nodded wordlessly. She clutched the book she held to her chest for comfort.

Solas walked over to his desk and pulled out a chair for her to sit in. She sat down and watched as he sat on top of the desk and crossed his legs. He smiled down at her warmly, his nose crinkling ever so slightly.

“So, tell me of this dream you had,” he prompted.

Banreas took a deep breath and placed her book on her lap. Her hands balled into fists as she rubbed them on her thighs. She opened and closed her mouth several times, uncertain of where to begin. She was not used to disclosing such personal things, and she was fearful he would not understand. Or even worse, that he would think her mad.

“This is hard for me,” the words burned her throat as they made their way out. She looked up at him as she finally stopped rubbing her thighs and tried to quiet her racing mind.

“It's alright, Banreas. You can tell me as much or as little as you like. Take your time,” he said sweetly.

She nodded as she reached up to touch her necklace. _Here goes nothing…_

“When I lived at the Circle, there was a Templar, Carlisle, we met…” Banreas started to explain but had to pause as she tried to find a way to frame things in a way that she could actually s _ay_ it.

“We met after I-” her words were cut off as the air left her lungs. It was like having the wind knocked out of her. She was going to say _ran away_ , but apparently that was too much information. She sighed.

“We met at a Chantry, before I joined the Circle,” she said finally. She searched Solas’ eyes, an endless sea of blue, and lost herself in the calm waves she saw there. Solas nodded sagely and waited for her to continue.

“Carlisle… he was very kind to me. I did not really have friends at the Circle, at least I do not think that I did, but he was different. He helped me,” she absentmindedly pulled her necklace back and forth along her neck.

“Helped you how?” Solas asked as one of his hands came up to worry his chin.

Banreas chewed on her lip for a moment before answering. “He helped me see the light in the darkness. He showed me that there are good people in this world. I knew him for three years. I never thought… I always assumed… He was a Templar and I was a mage…” she stopped to collect her thoughts. She was nervous and she wasn’t making much sense. Solas tilted his head but waited for her to continue.

“For the past few weeks, I’ve been having these dreams. And… I…” She paused again. She agonized over how to say the right words.

“You saw him as you slept?” he guessed. Banreas nodded, hopeful that Solas would actually understand her.

“Yes, but it wasn’t just one or two dreams. I would see him almost every night. The first time I saw him he was trying to tell me something. At first, I did not listen to what he said; I didn’t believe it was him. But the more I refused to listen to him, the more persistent he became!” As she spoke, the words began to feel a little easier to say. She became animated as she spoke, gesticulating with her hands.

“He kept telling me that he would not rest until I listened to him. He said his soul would not be at peace. I began to think; what if the man in my dreams was really Carlisle? What if he really couldn’t move on until I listened to him? He was such a good man; he deserves to find peace. I decided that I would finally listen to what he had to say,” Banreas stopped to catch her breath and waited for Solas’ reaction.

She caught a curious glint in his eye. Solas ran his thumb over the dimple in his chin. She liked the gesture.

“May I ask what it is that he needed to tell you?” he asked tentatively.

Banreas’ lips parted, and her heart constricted in her chest. Again, she felt very exposed; it was like all of her emotions were being laid bare.

“I saw him in my dreams two nights ago. I told him that I was ready to listen to what he had to say. And he told me… he told me he loved me,” her words felt raw and heavy. She stared at Solas, desperately hoping he would not judge her.

“He had been trying to tell me for so long, but I just could not believe him. But, this time I just… I had to listen, I had to believe. He told me things only he could know! He told me… he told me…” Banreas’ voice raised in distress and she had to stop her rant. _Should I tell him everything?_ She felt conflicted. Solas wore the most open and calm expression that she decided to tell him more. She would keep the more intimate parts to herself.  

“He told me that he had loved me for a long time, but he felt he couldn’t tell me. I never suspected anything. He said he was going to tell me how he felt after the Conclave. He was going to ask me to run away with him,” she said.

Banreas saw Solas’ eye twitch. It was barely noticeable, but she saw it. _What does that mean? Does he think I’m crazy?_

“And what was your answer to him? Would you have run away with him?” Solas asked. Solas bit down on his lower lip as he waited for her to respond. She searched his face for any more little changes. _Why is he so hard to read?_ She asked herself.  

“I told him yes. It was so hard to believe that he could love me, I could not understand why he would feel that way. But the way he looked at me… I had to believe him. And I cared so much for him. It was not until after he died that I grew to love him. Do you think I am mad?” she asked as her eyes became watery.

“Far from it, lethal’lan,” he whispered as he reached down to wipe away a tear that had escaped unnoticed. He suddenly looked pained; his lips turned down and his ears drooped. “I do wonder why it was so hard for you to accept that someone could love you. Why was it so hard for you to believe?” he asked as he stroked her cheek.

Banreas froze. Her heart stopped and a cold chill came over her. She had not expected him to ask something so personal, she thought he would just sit and listen. She swallowed hard before answering.

“Well, I am just different, I guess. I don’t know…” now she was lying. She couldn’t tell him the reason why she felt that way. A sour taste filled her mouth; she hated lying to him when she was trying to open herself up to him.

Solas clenched his teeth and shook his head at her, his eyes filled with sorrow. His fingers trailed down her cheek and came under her chin. He lifted her face up to him as he continued to shake his head incredulously.

“Different? No. You are unique, as I have said before. There is so much in you that one could…” Solas stopped himself and he mouthed wordlessly for a moment. Banreas’ eyes widened in shock. _What was he going to say? Please…_ Banreas’ mouth dropped open and she reached up to grab his fingers under her chin.

She could hear him grind his teeth as he straightened up and withdrew his hand. Banreas felt so lost and dejected; she quickly tried to hide her disappointment. Solas collected himself and wore an unfathomable expression.

“It is good that you listened to him. Those are strong emotions for one to bear as they slip into the beyond. It would appear that you brought him peace and comfort. It was a kind thing to do,” Solas’ voice was once again filled with warmth. He smiled at her and she wanted to reach up and touch his lips, like Carlisle had done to her.

“But that’s just it. I know it was him, but how is that possible? How was he able to visit me in my dreams?” Banreas became animated once more; this is what she had been trying to ask.

Solas’ eyes widened in surprise before he slipped into a frown. “Dreams? Remember lethal’lan, when you sleep you walk the Fade. It is a malleable and reactive place, you have the ability to bend it to your will,” he corrected her. She thought back to the night Solas taught her to consciously enter the Fade; it made her shiver. She had vowed to never do it again.

“But I mean I just went to sleep. Are you saying that I made that happen?” Banreas asked. She was very confused.

“Possibly. You are very strong willed. It would appear that his spirit was drawn to you. Or, perhaps his feelings for you were so strong that they prevented him from moving on. Either is possible. What were your thoughts before you went to sleep that night?” he asked.

Banreas frowned. “I… I went to take a nap and I remember… I was thinking of Carlisle. I wanted to see him,”

“You see? You willed it and it happened. You knew what you wanted to see, and the Fade showed it to you,” his eyes twinkled, and he beamed at her encouragingly.

“So, I made that up? It wasn’t him? The Fade only showed me what I wanted to see?” now she was truly lost.

“No, lethal’lan,” Solas was very patient as he grabbed her marked hand. “He was drawn to you because that was what you wanted. Perhaps he sensed the change in you, your willingness to listen. A spirit that is meant to slip into the beyond can only hold on for so long. I am sure that his persistence was due to the fact that he knew he did not have much time left,” Solas squeezed her hand gently. Banreas stared down at their hands and quickly laid her right hand over his. She didn’t want him to withdraw his hand this time.

“He did say that I came to him this time, and he didn’t have to find me… Was that truly his spirit then?” Banreas needed all the assurances she could get. She wanted the truth to be infallible and somehow, she knew Solas could guarantee that for her.  

“It is one of two things. It could truly be his spirit and he projected his image as you remembered it. Or, another spirit could have heard and felt Carlisle’s conscience, took pity on him, and took his shape. No matter how you choose to look at it, his hopes, dreams, and feelings were all very real,” Solas used his thumb to caress her palm as he waited for her to respond.

Banreas said nothing for a long time. She believed Solas and now she had her truth. And it filled her with remorse. Now, she had to live with the fact that she had been so close to a very different kind of life. _And now this,_ she flexed her marked hand as she forced down the tears that threatened to make an appearance again.

“Solas, how do you know all of this? Has this happened to you as well?” she asked quietly. She continued to stare down at their hands and she felt Solas stiffen. She tightened her grip around his hand, unwilling to let go.

They sat like that for what seemed like forever. She refused to look up until he answered, but she could feel his struggle. It was as if she could feel how he was carefully choosing his words, deciding what he could tell her. _Just like I do…_  She finally felt him nod and she looked up at him. She had never seen him look so sad.

“I suppose that you could say that it has,” he said. Solas’ gaze burned a hole in her soul. “Thank you, Banreas,” his smile had returned.

“For what?” she asked.

“For sharing that with me. I do not think I have ever heard you share so much. I am honored,” he bowed his head and Banreas beamed, crinkling her nose at him. He chuckled at that.

“Now, I have a question for you,” Solas said, his voice lightened up and he sounded amused. Banreas raised a brow at him. “Why did you bring that book? Varric would be pleased to see he has gained another fan,” Solas laughed and the motion shook his whole body. Banreas couldn’t help but let a giggle or two escape.

“Actually, Varric gave it to me. He told me to read it and I have yet to do so. I thought that maybe we could read together this morning, just in case I couldn’t bring myself to tell you about my dreams,” Banreas found that admitting this truth was easy. She wondered what that meant.

“Ah, I see. Well, as I said before, it is still early. You are welcome to stay here and get started on that frivolous tale,” he said impishly. He moved his legs and made to stand up, forcing Banreas to let go of his hands.

“You’ve read it?” she asked in disbelief.

“Yes, of course. It is actually one of his better works. Let me know when you have finished the first act,” he winked at her and Banreas grinned from ear to ear.

She bounded to his bed and sat down crisscross as she opened her book to the first page. She glanced up at Solas and found that he had sat down in the chair at his desk. He shuffled through some papers and settled on one and began reading. He wore a tiny smile on his lips and Banreas sucked in her lips to stop herself from giggling. She felt happy.

She was not sure if this counted as _spending time_ with him. _I monopolized the entire conversation, and I even cried… I suppose this counts,_ she thought. She looked over at him again and found that he was still smiling. Even though she had made up her mind that she wouldn’t divulge what he had told her when she went forward in time, she was now more determined than ever to fulfill her promise to him.


	21. Will You Stay?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Banreas and her companions finally set out to close the Breach and she is faced with a very important question:
> 
> Will she stay with the Inquisition? 
> 
> Several of her companions have implied that she should but no one has out right asked her and it makes her feel uncertain about her future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always thought it was odd that no one asked the Inquisitor to stay with the Inquisition after they closed the Breach! So, this chapter was born out of my curiosity :)

“This is friggin’ shite! I don’t care what mister Elfy-Pants says; I don’t like it!” Sera fumed as she followed Banreas out of their room. Sera made quite a show of grabbing her quiver and bow before slamming the door shut behind her. Banreas hastily made her way down the stairs to try and put some distance between herself and the angry woman, but Sera was hot on her heels.

“Sera, I will try my best-” Banreas attempted to pacify Sera once more, but she wasn’t having any of it.

“Try? You’ll try, but you can’t promise me shite! All that magic pumpin’ into your body? It ain’t natural innit? Oh, demons? Don’t mind them, eyes on the Breach; WE GOT IT!” Sera seethed.

Banreas heard Sera pull on the string of her bow so forcefully she wondered if she broke it. As they reached the bottom of the stairs, Banreas couldn’t help but turn back to look at Sera and she was shocked by how angry she really was. Sera stormed past her and shoved the tavern door open and walked out into the crisp early morning air. Sera scowled at her as she waited for Banreas to step out of the tavern. When Banreas walked out, Sera kicked the door shut and continued her tirade.

“What happens if your body can’t take it? Only so much magic you can take! All mister Smarty-Pants says is _we’re ready for anything_ … Oh yeah? Anything? What if your hand don’t like it? What if things go wrong and you get hurt? Or you die? _Oops, sorry. The Herald did her best_. It’s shit!” Sera spat into the snow as she marched forward.

“Beardy says the same thing; Bull too. It ain’t right,” Sera added as she trudged right past Banreas.

Despite her protest, Sera was still headed toward the gates where they were all going to meet. The day had finally come; Banreas, her companions and all of the rebel mages were going to march to the Temple of Sacred Ashes and close the Breach.

Solas and Fiona came to the conclusion that Banreas was not strong enough to close the Breach on her own; there is only so much magic running through one’s veins. Fiona suggested that several, if not all, the mages would have to channel their magic into her to charge the mark. Dorian and Vivienne proposed that they could absorb and redirect excess magic off of her while Solas would keep her stable. _In theory_ , all Banreas had to do was focus on the Breach. _In theory_ , her companions would handle any and all demons that poured through the Breach.

 _In theory_ , Banreas would be fine.  

But, as Sera continued to doubt the plan, Banreas was feeling nervous. Either way, Banreas couldn't bear to see Sera so upset.

"Sera, this is what I am here to do! This is why I agreed to stay. I don't understand why you're so angry with me," Banreas called out to Sera who stopped dead in her tracks just a few feet ahead of her. Sera's shoulders tensed before she swiveled around.

"Angry? I'm not angry! Well, I mean I am but..." Sera paused as she threw her hands up in exasperation. She grimaced as she tapped the ground a few times with the tips of her boots.

"I ain't angry at you, you're too... Nice. And that's it, innit? It’s always: _Herald do this, Herald do that_. You do whatever they tell you. You're always helping people. I like that... Helping. I want to help  _you_ help others. But not everything they tell you to do is good for you," Sera stopped for a moment as she clenched her bow so tight her knuckles turned white.

"What's the big rush with this shit? The giant hole in the sky ain't movin'. It's like they're rushing through things and you're playing along. They're making these big decisions about you, and that's easy cus it ain't them. They won't get hurt. But not the good people; the good people always get hurt," Sera stared at her and Banreas watched as her soft grey eyes became watery. 

Banreas was stunned into silence. She shook her head as she reached for Sera, but Sera skipped back and walked away toward the gates. 

Banreas stood rooted to the ground as snow began to fall. She watched Sera walk away until she was out of sight. Sera's words caused her physical pain and Banreas found it hard to breathe. She rolled her tongue along her teeth as she focused on controlling whatever it was she was feeling. She was stuck somewhere in between guilt and tremendous sadness. 

"Hey, Firecracker. What was that with Buttercup?" Varric’s voice caused Banreas to jump. She finally recognized where she was standing and realized she was standing where she used to place her tent. Then she realized Varric probably heard their entire conversation...

"You already heard it all Varric," Banreas mumbled as she turned to him. Varric was dressed for battle and his crossbow, Bianca, sported several new additions and was freshly polished. Varric shrugged unapologetically.

"Eh, most of it. I mean, did she say anything else?" Varric was clearly hinting at something and Banreas wished he would just tell her whatever it was. Varric began walking toward the gates and Banreas followed. 

"No, Varric. She's just angry with me... Not at me, but about what I'm doing I guess," Banreas was still confused about her conversation with Sera.

Varric frowned at her. "That's all she told you? Maker's balls, she's an odd one," 

Before Banreas lost her temper with Varric, Blackwall walked over from the stables and fell in step beside them. He smiled at her and it put a damper on her anger. 

"This about Sera? Heard her grumbling to herself,” Blackwall asked. Banreas nodded.

“She’s been in a mood for the past few days. The poor girl thinks you'll be leaving after you close the Breach," Blackwall clarified. 

"Thanks a lot, Hero. I just wanted to make Firecracker think for a minute," Varric rolled his eyes at the warrior and Blackwall only shook his head. 

"Sera says you haven't mentioned if you're going to stay or not and it's driving her up a wall. Truth be told my lady, we've all been wondering what your plans are," Blackwall's piercing eyes seemed genuinely concerned.

"I... I haven't given it much thought. I've just been focused on closing the Breach," Banreas admitted. Blackwall's lips turned down and he looked away. 

"Pity. I was hoping you'd say you'll stay. It's been an honor seeing the Inquisition grow; seeing you grow. Maker knows you could shake this world if you willed it. I'm hoping you decide to stay. Hell, you’re the reason I joined in the first place! Who else will help me investigate the old Grey Warden camps I told ya’ about?" Blackwall chuckled as he looked back up at her. There was a playful twinkle in his eyes that warmed her heart. 

"Alright, alright. Don't overwhelm her, let's focus on one thing at a time. The Breach, remember?" Varric interjected as he pointed at the sky. Banreas shot him an appreciative smile; he always knew when to step in. Varric winked back.

Blackwall nodded at her as he clapped her on the back and gave her shoulder a firm squeeze. “Don’t you worry about today. We’ve all got your back, mark my words,”

As Blackwall made to walk ahead of them, Banreas grabbed his hand.

“Thank you, Blackwall. I mean it,” she thanked him with as much gratitude and warmth as possible. Blackwall squeezed her hand back for a moment and bowed his head. Banreas released his hand to let him go. Banreas turned her attention back to Varric as she could sense he still had more to say.

“Really though, you’d make people a lot less antsy if they knew you weren’t going to disappear after today. Something to chew on while you’re staring up at the sky with everyone watching you,” Varric teased as he poked her with the butt end of Bianca. Banreas resisted cutting her eyes at him.

“No one has really asked me to stay,” she said sheepishly. Banreas slowed down as they began weaving through the crowd of people at the gates.

“Well, seeing as we were kinda sorta conscripted, I guess it was just implied,” Varric said quietly.

“What about you Varric? What will you do?” Banreas was curious as to what his plans were. They both stopped walking when they spotted Cullen and Solas at the front of the crowd. Cullen seemed to be in some sort of argument with Solas.

“I don’t know Firecracker. It doesn’t really feel like our adventures are over yet. You haven’t finished the book I gave you, and I don’t have enough material to write my next book! We can’t part ways like that,” Varric looked up at her as if that settled the matter. Banreas flashed a wide, toothy grin.

“Besides, I think I’d miss that smile,” Varric said as he poked her again. Banreas couldn’t help but laugh as she tried to dodge Bianca’s butt. Suddenly, she felt the air around her buzz and the hair on her arms stood up. Banreas turned to find Solas walking toward her.

“I am happy to see that at least some of us are in good spirits,” Solas sounded relieved. Banreas’ heart thumped erratically in her chest as the man’s eyes roamed her face.

“Some of us have to look on the bright side,” Varric chimed in.

“ _Some of us_ are just trying to keep people safe,” Cullen interjected as he caught up to Solas and gave him a menacing glare. Solas frowned but didn’t bother to look at Cullen. “Herald, a word in private?” Cullen asked.

Banreas widened her eyes at Solas who only shook his head and turned his head to the sky.

“Of course, Commander,” Banreas replied. She waved to Varric and gave Solas a tiny smile, hoping he would return the gesture. His answering smirk did not disappoint.

Cullen placed one hand on the small of her back as he gestured her forward. He ushered her away from those at the head of their large convoy. They came to stand a few feet away from Fiona, Dorian, Vivienne and a few other mages who stood waiting for the signal to march out. Cassandra stood among them, and she exchanged a look and a confident nod with Cullen.

Cullen came to stand in front of her, his hands at her forearms. “Herald, are you absolutely sure about this?” he asked. Banreas tilted her head at him as she read his expression.

“Commander, please don’t be worried. Nothing will happen with the mages. No one will lose control. We’ll be safe,” She assured him. She assumed that he was worried about abominations… Cullen sighed.

“Herald, I’m not worried about the other mages. I’m worried about you,” Cullen moved in closer as he eyed the people around them. He turned his amber gaze back on her as he leaned in close.

“You fainted the last time you rehearsed with the other mages,” Cullen’s voice trembled as he tried to keep his voice down. Before they decided to march to the Temple, Banreas had spent some time testing out how much magic she could handle being channeled into her body. She had indeed fainted on more than one occasion.

 Banreas mouthed wordlessly in shock as she tried to find a way to make him feel better about things.

“I know what I did wrong the last time we practiced. I won’t faint again. Well, I really can’t faint this time,” Banreas laughed humorlessly. Cullen gave her a pained look.

“Cullen, it’s going to be okay. I’m ready. You’ll be there anyway, everything will be fine,” she smiled as she struggled to believe her own words.

“You _will_ be okay, I swear it,” Cullen vowed. “Are we ready then?” he asked.

Banreas sucked in a deep breath and nodded her assent. Cullen raised his fist in the air and ordered the crowd to march. Banreas stood still for a moment as Cullen began leading the way. As she watched her companions walk by, she felt Solas’ familiar presence beside her.

“What did he say?” Solas asked nonchalantly. Banreas didn’t miss the small twitch at the corner of his mouth and the way he continuously worried his chin.

“He’s worried about my safety,” Banreas replied.

“We all are. But I assured him that you are strong, and you know your limits. I also told him that I will shield you and keep you safe, but he remains unconvinced. Do you believe I will keep you safe?” he asked. His eyes were conveying something to her, and she let the message sink in. Her lips parted under his gaze and she crossed her arms behind her back.

“Yes, lethal’lin. I do,” As she said it, she knew that it was true. Nothing bad was going to happen to her.

Solas’ eyes lit up. He smiled at her and began to walk ahead.

“It’s time to go then,”

* * *

Banreas sighed in relief as she pushed her way out of the Singing Maiden, walking around the building to lean up against the wall. The Iron Bull thought it would be a wonderful idea to throw a _small_ celebration for closing the Breach. And _small_ meant the entire town was invited. It was well past midnight and how anyone could still have enough energy to drink, sing and dance was beyond her.

She was utterly spent. Closing the Breach completely drained her. Although all her companions swore it only took a few minutes, it felt like hours for her. It was one of the most terrifying experiences she had ever been through. Just as she had anticipated, demons poured out of the Breach as soon as she began trying to close it.

She shivered as she remembered how powerless she felt. Watching all of her friends fight around her while she had to stand still was not something she wanted to experience again. _And Creators, all that raw energy…_ she thought. Hours later and her body was still buzzing from all the magic used to charge the mark in her hand.

Banreas looked up at the now sealed Breach. It was as if she scarred the sky. Dorian had even joked that she needed to learn to sew. Sealing the Breach left a long, ragged seam in the sky. She glanced down at her left hand and flipped it over a few times. She could swear that the mark grew after closing the Breach. She lightly touched the tear in her palm, wincing at the pain it caused.

She sank to the ground, pulling her knees to her chest and tried to clear her head. Now that the Breach was closed, she couldn’t help but feel lost.

 _I did what they asked me to do, now what? No one has asked me to stay with the Inquisition; does that mean they don’t need me?_ Banreas began ripping out the weeds from the ground, fighting the urge to cry. The Inquisition had temporarily given her a purpose, a home, and people to be around. Without it, what did she have?

While inside the tavern, Banreas asked several of her companions what their plans were now that the Breach was sealed. All of them said they were staying. Dorian gently reminded her of the promise they made each other back at Redcliffe and the enormity of what she had pledged herself to do scared her.

 _I promised to stop the future I saw, but no one has asked me to stay…_ she felt hollow. She grabbed another fistful of weeds from the ground and angrily tossed them onto the main road. 

And onto a pair of boots. Banreas gasped in chagrin as her eyes shot up.

"Cassandra!" Banreas exclaimed as she stood up. The warrior raised one perfectly arched brow at her.

"Herald? I did not mean to intrude. If you prefer..." Cassandra hesitated as she glanced down at the numerous uprooted weeds around Banreas' feet.

“No, no, no. It’s okay. I am fine!” Banreas hastily wiped the tears on her cheeks and stood at attention. “Is something wrong?”

Cassandra broke out into a lopsided grin and Banreas couldn’t help but smirk at the woman. _What else has she picked up from our Commander?_

“There is nothing wrong my friend. You left the tavern in a hurry and I… I wanted to speak with you. We do not speak as often as I would like, and I wanted to take this moment to thank you,” Cassandra swung her arms by her sides nervously. “So… Thank you…”

Banreas snickered. “You don’t have to thank me, Cassandra. I made a promise, remember?”

“I do. Maker knows you are not one to break a promise. But you have done extraordinary things! The death of the Most Holy made me doubt my faith and my purpose, but you made me see I was being foolish,” Cassandra’s Nevarran accent intensified with emotion. She grasped Banreas’ hands in her own as she stepped closer.

“The Inquisition is what it is today because of you. Closing the Breach today could not have been easy but… there is still so much work to be done. The plot to kill Empress Celene and this Elder One… Our work isn’t over yet. Cullen and I heard rumors that you may be leaving us. Tonight, when you left the tavern, I thought maybe you slipped out and left us,” the normally reserved warrior completely let her guard down. Cassandra’s usually stoic face showed signs of worry. Banreas’ eyes widened in shock.

“You do not have to leave, my friend. The people look to you for hope… _I_ look to you for hope… we need you. Will you stay with the Inquisition?” Cassandra begged as she squeezed Banreas’ hands tighter.

Banreas’ heart stopped. She wanted to scream _“Yes!”_ at the top of her lungs. This is what she had been waiting for. She needed to hear the question come straight from someone’s mouth: _Will you stay?_ To hear it in this way made it real.

 _I am wanted. They want me to stay,_ she thought as her heart began to soar. Banreas did something she had never done with Cassandra. She broke free of Cassandra’s grasp and flung her arms around the warrior’s neck and embraced her. Cassandra let out a surprised huff as she slowly wrapped her arms around Banreas’ back.

“Is… is this a yes then?” Cassandra breathed into Banreas’ ear. Banreas chuckled as she pulled back to look at Cassandra’s face. Banreas shook her head.

“Thank you, Cassandra. I truly appreciate it. I want to stay. Really, I do. But I need some time to decide,” Banreas said softly. Cassandra looked a little shocked but nodded at her.

“Of course, Herald. There is no rush to decide. But I hope you won’t take long,” Cassandra laughed nervously.

“No, it won’t take long. I promise,” Banreas assured her.

“Good. I will leave you to your gardening then. Try and get some rest my friend,” Cassandra gestured to the weeds on the ground before grasping Banreas’ shoulders. She stared long and hard into Banreas’ eyes before dipping her head and walking away and back into the tavern.

Tears of joy began to flow down Banreas’ cheeks as she sprinted up the road and away from the tavern. She wanted nothing more than to stay with the Inquisition; she wanted to be with her friends. But there was one person who had not been in the tavern all night. There was one person that she had not been able to ask if they would stay…

And that was Solas.

As she ran up the road, she made up her mind. _If he says he will not stay, then neither will I,_ she vowed. She skidded to a halt outside the apothecary’s work space, remembering it was still very late. She silently opened the door and tiptoed up the stairs toward Solas’ room.

It wasn’t until she was standing outside his door that she realized he might actually be asleep. Banreas suddenly felt self-conscious as she reached inside her tunic to clutch her necklace. _Please be awake_.

She lifted her left hand up as she said a silent prayer and knocked on his door. Within moments she heard Solas’ footsteps as he walked toward the door. Banreas broke out into a cold sweat as she waited for him.

Solas opened his door and the beautiful elf already wore a worried expression. It was clear he had been busy with something at his desk. Banreas flashed a wide, toothy grin at him; the feelings of joy still ran through her veins.

“Lethal’lin!” she exclaimed as she bounced into the room without invitation. She looked about the dark room and found a few unlit candles. She cast fire from her dominant hand to light the candles as Solas closed the door behind her.

“Lethal’lan. This is a surprise. You seem… very excited,” Solas said. Banreas spun to face him and found him staring at her with wonder. Her grin grew wider and her pulse quickened.

“I am excited,” she exclaimed as her hands balled into fists and she skipped toward him, crinkling her nose at the man; her face mere inches from his. He didn’t flinch. Instead he scrunched his nose back at her; shaking it back and forth.

It was a sign of affection. A sign of affection that Banreas had been displaying with him long before she knew what she was doing. As far as she knew, it was a gesture displayed only among the Dalish. Banreas found it curious that Solas mirrored the gesture, given that he did not identify as Dalish.

“They asked me to stay with the Inquisition, Solas. They want me to stay!” She said excitedly. Solas’ eyes danced with amusement.

“Oh, they did? This seems important to you,” he said.

“It _is_ important to me.  But I have not said yes yet,” she answered.

Solas tilted his head as he regarded her. “You haven’t? Why not?”

“Well, you have not told me what you will do now that we closed the Breach. Will you be staying with the Inquisition?” her question seemed to hang in the air long after she asked it.

Banreas waited for Solas’ answer with bated breath. She watched as the candlelight flickered across the freckles on his cheeks. She could see in his eyes that he was forming a response; a careful one. He took a step closer to her and Banreas shivered.

“Would my answer change yours?” he asked.

“Yes, it would,” she admitted.

“And why is that?”

“Because… well… I want more time… with you. I’d like more time to get to know you. After all, that is what you asked me to do,” she mumbled as she stared down at the ground. It may have become easier to speak some truths but looking him in the eye as she said it was still difficult for her.

Solas grabbed her by the chin as he tilted her head back up. _He always does this. He always makes me look into his eyes,_ she thought. She held her breath.

“If I were to say I’m leaving-” he began to say, but Banreas was too eager.

“Then I would follow you,” she blurted out. Solas laughed and Banreas joined in. He was still holding her chin…

“I see,” he chuckled for a moment longer before shaking his head indulgently. “Well, I had no intentions of leaving unless you were to leave. I enjoy your company. I have yet to meet someone like you,”

“Likewise,” she replied as she batted her eyes at him.

“So, what would make you happier? Staying with the Inquisition? We have to remove that mark from you hand one way or another,” he said as he finally released her chin and grabbed her left hand.

 _“We”. He said “we”. I like “we”_ she thought.

“Let’s stay,” her voice sang with glee.

“It’s settled then. I would strongly advise you get some sleep. Today was a long one for all of us,” his voice lowered into a whisper as he stepped back.

Banreas didn’t know what came over her; her body moved on its own. She closed in on him, placed her hands on his shoulders, and kissed him on the cheek just as she had done at the lake a few weeks ago. She enjoyed feeling him shiver beneath her lips and she took a moment to let him press his cheek to hers.

She pulled back as she began to feel nervous and unsure of herself. She winked at him before she made her escape.

She wouldn’t sleep tonight, she knew it. She left the apothecary and skipped back to the tavern. She couldn’t wait until morning to give her answer. Now she could tell Sera not to worry. She could tell _everyone._ She smiled to herself as she reached the tavern door and began to chant to herself.

_I get to stay._


	22. If They Pulled Back All Your Layers, What Would They Find?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "If they pulled back all the layers, behind all the spells, at your core… What would they find?"

_“How many times do I have to tell you? He doesn’t like it when we go too far…” a low gravelly voice echoed in her ears as Banreas opened her eyes._

_It was Terror._

_He pulled Banreas by her feet and off her bed as he began dragging her out of her room at the Singing Maiden. Banreas grasped at anything she could while she attempted to scream._

_No sound escaped her lips._

_A force inside her head prevented her from fighting, and she watched in horror as she was pulled down the stairs. Each ‘thump, thump, thump’ her body made as Terror made his way down the stairs caused her heart to beat faster and faster._

_“No more games. It’s time to go back now,” he cackled at her as he kicked open the tavern door and stepped outside._

_It was pitch black and not a single soul walked the streets. Terror hauled her through the thick snow and into a clearing by Haven’s gates. He unceremoniously tossed her feet to the ground as he began circling around her._

_“It seems you have forgotten what happens to those you love. It’s time I reminded you,” he crowed as he waved his hand at a nearby lamppost, casting some light on the scene before her._

_She could finally see him. Terror wore his usual dark black leather armor with his hood up. Her eyes were immediately drawn to the ghastly daggers holstered at his sides. The force in her head told her to sit up and she complied. Terror pointed at a spot in the snow a few feet ahead of her and Banreas’ heart seized up._

_It was a pile of bodies and Banreas recognized every single face. Her mother lay on the bottom, then her father, then her sister, then Marel…_

_Banreas began to sob as she looked at the next set of faces: Florian, Giles, Elaine… and then Carlisle._

**_No. Don’t look._ **

_Banreas was finally able to turn around and she covered her eyes._

_“No, look at what you let happen…” Terror bellowed as she heard him advance upon her. He suddenly came to a halt and Banreas heard a loud THWACK. It was the sound of an arrow being let loose from a bow. Banreas glanced up in front of her and gasped in awe._

_Her sister stood in front of her. Banreas looked back at the pile of her loved ones and both her sister and Marel were missing. She looked back at her sister who held a wide stance as she reached back into her quiver to grab another arrow. She took aim at Terror._

_“Don’t watch, lethal’lan,” Marel said as she appeared in front of her, blocking her view of the battle in front of her. Banreas heard Terror grab his daggers._

_As Banreas stared back into Marel’s eyes, she was overcome with guilt and she tried to bury her face in her hands. Marel stopped her as she grabbed Banreas by the shoulders and shook her. Marel’s vivid red hair stood in stark contrast to the white snow that fell around them and it made Banreas shiver. Marel leaned in towards Banreas until all she could register was Marel’s warm blue eyes._

_Marel cupped Banreas’ face as she pressed her forehead to Banreas’. “Don’t look,” Marel repeated as she moved her head to block Banreas from looking over her._

_Banreas simply closed her eyes. She was not sure what was worse to look at: Marel, or watching her sister fight…_

_“Look at me, lethal’lan,” Marel commanded and Banreas’ eyes flung upon. “Don’t listen…” Marel pleaded as Banreas registered the wet sound of blades piercing flesh._

_“After everything we have been through, I cannot believe you don’t remember,” Marel lamented as she began caressing the base of Banreas’ ears. Banreas shook her head. What is it that she could be forgetting?_

_“I worry for you lethal’lan. What will happen if you cannot remember the promise you made?” Marel asked as she kissed the tip of Banreas’ nose._

_Banreas tried to ask Marel what she meant, but she heard the sound of a body dropping to the ground and something told her it was her sister, not Terror. Marel’s face was suddenly filled with panic. She hugged Banreas before pulling back._

_“Please, remember!” Marel cried out as Terror came up from behind her and shoved her to the side._

_Terror grabbed Banreas by the front of her collar and yanked her up onto her feet. Banreas searched the elf’s eyes for any remnants of humanity and found none._

_“You fool. You think this place is your home? Haven isn’t your home…” Terror’s voice was devoid of emotion as he grabbed her by the throat._

_“It could never be your home because they don’t know you. HE knows you. I know you. We are one in the same,” he sneered as his face filled her vision._

_“If they pulled back all your layers, what do you think they’d find?” he asked as he pulled back his hood and tapped his temple._

_Banreas couldn’t form a response. Terror tapped her temple with his index finger and laughed humorlessly._

_“You know the answer. Now, tell me,” Terror commanded as his fingers tightened around her throat._

_Banreas knew this wouldn’t end well. She knew this was a dream, but she had grown accustomed to Carlisle saving her. She didn't have Carlisle anymore. There was no one to rescue her._

_So, Banreas did what she used to do. She began to scream. She screamed louder and louder until she couldn't hear Terror; she couldn't hear anything but her own voice._

_"PLEASE, LET ME WAKE UP!" she roared._

* * *

Banreas woke to the sound of her screams bouncing off the walls. She shot up and covered her mouth to muffle the sound, fearing that she would wake up Sera, but it was too late. 

Sera jumped up in her bed, her legs and arms flailing about.

"What's goin' on? What happened?" Sera tossed her blanket off and hobbled out of her bed. 

The light from the mark on Banreas' hand lit up the room somewhat, and Banreas became temporarily distracted by Sera. Sera wore nothing but her smalls tonight. Sera was always in various states of undress when she went to bed; it usually depended on how tired she was. 

"Nightmares again?" Sera asked, her eyes filled with sympathy. Sera groggily made her way over to Banreas' bed. 

"I am so sorry Sera, I didn't mean to wake you," Banreas rubbed her face in frustration. This wasn't the first time she had woken Sera up with her nightmares. Sera said she didn't mind, but Banreas certainly did.

Sera let out a long, dragged out yawn as she bent down and lifted Banreas' blanket. 

"Scoot, scoot," Sera ordered as she began climbing in. Banreas froze and her mouth dropped.

“I… Sera… but… you aren’t wearing clothes,” Banreas pointed out. Sera wriggled her way inside and she shot her a playful smile.

“Yeah? And?” Sera replied flippantly. Sera hooked her arm around Banreas’ neck. “Don’t like nightmares. Used to get em’ when I was little. It’s always better when someone’s laying with ya’,” Sera leaned her head up against Banreas’.

The moment Banreas came into contact with Sera’s warm body, her muscles relaxed. Sera’s heat and her steady breaths helped her focus. Banreas sighed in relief as she leaned back into Sera.

“See? Everything’s better already,” Sera stated triumphantly as she reclined back onto the headboard, bringing Banreas with her.

“I don’t think I’ll be able to go back to sleep,” Banreas admitted. She envied Sera, she already looked like she was drifting off.

“S’okay. You can… I dunno… finish your book or somethin’. Read t’me,” Sera suggested as she began to slur her words.

Sera reached back behind her; her hand searching for the bookcase nearby. Her hand waved aimlessly and Banreas snickered as she swatted her hand away. Banreas turned her body around and grabbed the Tale of the Champion. Sera’s hand had been way off.

Banreas settled back in beside Sera. She took one look at Sera’s naked form, rolled her eyes, and lifted the blanket up to cover Sera’s breasts. Sera scoffed but laid her head on Banreas’ shoulder.

“You think any of this shite is true? Varric is always telling stories, don’t believe half of them,” Sera mumbled.

“I think so. There are some parts I have questions about. I’ll ask him tomorrow, I can finish this tonight,” Banreas said as she opened the book up. She really only had about thirty or so pages left.

“Okay…” Sera sighed in content.

Banreas only managed to read aloud one sentence before Sera began snoring. Banreas paused to look down at Sera. She smiled to herself as she rested her cheek atop Sera’s hair. She tried to focus on the present.

 _I am safe. I am not alone. Nothing will happen to me,_ Banreas told herself. Her stomach turned a little as she thought back to how disturbing her nightmare had been.

She tried to drive the haunting images from her mind as she nuzzled closer to Sera and continued to read.

* * *

Banreas finished the Tale of the Champion before dawn broke, but she waited for Sera to wake up before getting dressed for the day.

She wasn’t sure what it was, but she still felt anxious. Perhaps it was the nightmare, or perhaps it was the ending of the book that bothered her. She couldn’t remedy her feelings about her nightmare, but she could at least get her questions answered about the book.

Before leaving their room, Banreas paused in front of the mirror. She glanced back, ensuring that Sera wasn’t looking, and looked back at her reflection. Her face had already settled into a scowl and she tried relaxing her face. She leaned in close to the mirror and opened one eye wide.

Her heart stopped.

For a split second, she could have sworn that her pupil had been as wide as a saucer. Banreas jumped back and away from the mirror.

“Why’d ya do that? Somethin’ in your eye?” Sera asked.

Banreas inhaled sharply as she looked back at the mirror. Her eyes were normal. She steeled herself, donned a confident smile, and turned to Sera.

“No, I’m fine. I’m going to find Varric. See you later,” Banreas waved at Sera cheerily before leaving.

 _Stop it, stop it. Everything is fine,_ she told herself as she left the tavern in search for Varric. _It’s just the dream that bothered me. I’m fine._

Since it was still early morning, she figured Varric would be by his tent. Sure enough, as Banreas walked down the road, she spotted Varric by one of the firepits. Seeing him lifted her spirits and she picked up her pace.

Banreas approached the dwarf quietly. He was sitting on a log writing a letter, seemingly unaware of her presence. Banreas grinned deviously as she crossed her arms behind her back and issued a polite cough.

“SHIT!” Varric hopped up a little and his face turned red. Banreas giggled.

“Dammit Sparky, how do you do that?” he asked in disbelief, and she simply shrugged her shoulders. “Well, you look happy. What brings you here so early in the morning?”

“Well, I finished the Tale of the Champion, and I have a few questions,” she said as she swayed side to side. Varric grinned at her as he stood up.

“Of course you do. Go ahead,” he said as he crossed his arms in front of his chest and raised a brow.

“The mage, the one that destroyed the Kirkwall Chantry… what happened to him? The book doesn’t say,” she asked.

“Ah, Blondie? Yeah… he fled Kirkwall with some of the mages from the Circle. Stayed with them for a bit. But he eventually moved on. I don’t know where he is now, and I don’t want to know,” Varric sounded disgruntled.

Banreas tilted her head at him as she chose her next question carefully.

“It sounds like you did not like the mage… Anders,” she guessed and Varric rolled his eyes and nodded. “Is it the spirit that bothered you? Justice?” she asked. She felt her palms grow sweaty. She realized this is what had been bothering her about the story.

“In the end, Anders and Justice were the same person. Couldn’t really separate the two. I’m not sure who influenced who more. Doesn’t really matter now though. What Anders did… I’m not really over it,” Varric’s voice was tinged with disdain.  

“Oh, I see,” Banreas clamped down on her lower lip so hard she drew blood. She looked down and away, her heart filled with sorrow. Varric was always so cheerful and easy going, she never believed he could harbor such ill feelings toward someone.

_If he feels that way about Anders…_

Banreas finally looked back up and caught Varric’s puzzled expression. She opened her mouth to speak but turned around when she heard someone calling her name.

“Lady Lavellan? Oh, there you are! I’ve been looking all over for you!” it was Josephine and she was actually jogging toward her; Leliana was not far behind.

She appeared breathless and she had the biggest smile on her face. She had a letter in her hand that she was waving above her head. She stopped in front of them, smoothed down her ruffles and hastily curtsied.

She turned to nod at Varric who looked taken aback by Josephine’s obvious excitement. Leliana caught up to them and she too was smiling, although her smile was much more calculating.

“Herald, we received an urgent letter this morning. It is from the King! And, it is addressed to you,” Josephine squeaked in excitement as she handed the letter over to Banreas. Banreas slowly took the letter from her hands.

“Yes, we thought it was best we delivered it to you straight away,” Leliana added. She stepped closer to Banreas as she kept looking down at the letter.

“Both of you? You both needed to deliver the letter?” Varric asked incredulously.

“Oh shush, it’s very important!” Josephine chastised him. She looked at Banreas expectantly.

Banreas glanced between Josephine and Leliana. It was clear that they expected her to read the letter in front of them. She sighed as she turned the letter over and inspected the wax seal. She searched for any sign that the letter had already been opened. After all, their spymaster had her ways. Satisfied that the letter hadn’t been opened yet, Banreas broke the royal seal and unfurled the letter. Banreas caught both Josephine and Leliana leaning over the letter trying to get a look. Banreas laughed and began reading.

_Dear Herald,_

_First things first; an apology. Although you indulged me in a walk on the castle grounds, I was not in the best of moods when we met. Please forgive my actions._

_As it turns out, I’ve been told that these Venatori have been spotted not just in Denerim, but in the Royal Palace as well. Isn’t that peachy? After we cleared them out of Redcliffe and everything…_

_I think now is a good time to meet and discuss what we should do next. Since it seems the Inquisition has had more dealings with these cultists, I was hoping you could help me._

_And would you know I happened to look up at the sky and the Breach has been sealed. No one from the Inquisition thought notify me. I certainly think this is something worth celebrating, but I haven’t found an invitation to a party lying around._

_I look forward to meeting with you again, this time under much better circumstances._

_Perhaps we can send her wine? Some cheese maybe? Oh, I know! We will send both. Wait… did you just write that down? Maker preserve me…_

_King Alistair Theirin_

Banreas threw her head back and laughed so hard she cried.

“What? What is it? What does it say?” Leliana asked desperately.

Banreas finally controlled herself. “Do scribes usually write royal letters?” she wiped away the tears on her cheeks and she could tell that wasn’t the answer Leliana had been expecting.

“Well, yes. It is standard protocol. But never mind that! What did the King say?” Josephine urged. Before Banreas answered her, she became a little distracted by something out of the corner of her eye. She saw an Inquisition soldier sprinting up the road toward the Chantry. She shrugged it off.

“He wants help with dealing with the Venatori. And he says he thinks there should be a celebration because we closed the Breach. Is that something we can do here at Haven?” Banreas asked.

The hair on the back of her neck raised up and Banreas looked around her. The town seemed to be getting busier. _I guess people are starting to wake up,_ she mused.

“Yes! That is a splendid idea, we can start planning right away. Isn’t that right, Leliana?” Josephine turned to Leliana and nudged her. Leliana had stopped paying attention and was staring up the road intently. Leliana nodded at her dismissively.

“Oh, dear. You will need a dress, Lady Lavellan. Can you wear heels? Oh, I’m sure it won’t be a problem. You would look delightful in a dress!” Josephine said as she brushed Banreas’ shoulder off. Banreas prepared to protest as there was no way Josephine was going to get her to wear a dress, but she noticed something alarming.

Banreas saw Cullen running at full speed toward the gates. And his sword was drawn. Banreas felt the blood drain from her face as her heart was filled with dread. She caught sight of Cassandra running right behind him and she knew something was _very_ wrong.

“Oh, shit. Sparky…” Varric gritted his teeth and he began to run.

Banreas shoved the letter down her shirt and sprinted after Cullen. She knew she should have listened to what her body was telling her. The town wasn’t busy. It was in a frenzy. People were all running toward the gates. Inquisition soldiers sealed the gates shut and Cullen was shouting at people.

“TO ARMS! EVERYONE!” He bellowed.

Banreas walked up to him and grabbed him by the arm, forcing him to look at her.

“A watch guard reported in. There is a massive force descending upon us. Most are approaching over the mountain,” Cullen's voice was surprisingly steady. Josephine approached them and she was clearly frightened.

“A force? Under what banner?” she asked in disbelief. Cullen gritted his teeth and flared his nostrils.

“None,” he said flatly.

“None?” Banreas repeated as she gripped Cullen tighter, her eyes widened with fear. His eyes softened as he shook his head at her.

Banreas froze. _No, this can’t be happening. This can’t be real. Not here, not Haven!_ From the moment she woke up that morning, she knew something was wrong. _This… it was this…_

Suddenly, something or someone began pounding at the gates and people began screaming.

Banreas was filled with despair as she pulled out her necklace and began to pray.

_Not here, not Haven…_


	23. ... A Monster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Herald's fall from grace.

_Bang, bang, bang._

Each time the gates strained under the pressure of the constant pounding, Banreas flinched. She retreated deep within her mind. Somewhere quiet… somewhere dark.

_Bang, bang, bang._

Her mind began to swim, and her world became a blur. The people around her seemed distant, and not entirely present. She felt so empty it was as if she was floating above the ground.

She covered her ears to try and stop the noise and closed her eyes. 

_Haven was too good to be true. I always knew that, didn’t I? Even in my dreams. I could feel it. A life here was never meant to be._

The rush of air as someone ran by her made her look up. She watched as more and more people began to swarm the gates. She looked for faces she recognized but found none; the people had become indiscernible shapes.

Her knees ached to drop to the ground, but by sheer force of will she kept herself standing.

_No, maybe I am dreaming. Maybe this isn’t real._

_Bang, bang, bang._

She pressed her hands over her ears even harder to try and drown out the noise. The sounds only became louder.

“Please, make it stop,” the miserable voice sounded like it came from someone else. It couldn’t possibly be her speaking out loud.

She could feel her body rejecting reality. Her limbs grew numb while her mind told her to run.

 _Stop, don’t do this now. Focus. Please,_ she told herself.

She began to shake, and she closed her eyes once more. Just as her legs decided to give up, someone grabbed her. She inhaled deeply and the sweet scent of morning dew filled her nostrils. Her eyes shot open and Solas’ face filled her view.

He hugged her to him, but he felt so far away. His lips moved frantically, and it took a moment before she realized he was actually speaking. She couldn’t make out his words. There was a ringing in her ears that blocked them out.

Silent tears sneaked their way down her face as he shook her gently to rouse her from her stupor. _Is that desperation in his eyes? Are those his lips on my cheek? On my forehead?_ Her hands finally let go of her ears and she placed them on the sides of his face. She felt his sigh of relief on her skin. His full lips continued to move, and she tried to read what he was saying.

 _Focus._ She opened her mouth to try and speak, but only a tiny whimper escaped.

“Banreas, please!” his sweet baritone voice finally broke through.

“Yes?” she finally managed to form a word.

“Lethal’lan…” he kissed her tenderly on her forehead and it woke her up a bit; the thrill warmed her limbs.

“Cullen told me what is going on. Where is your staff?” Solas’ forehead creased with worry.

Banreas’ eyes glazed over. “My staff?” she echoed.

Solas clenched his jaw as he pulled her even closer to him. “Yes, lethal’lan. Where is it?”

“I… I do not need it,” she breathed. Solas’ bewildered expression alarmed her. He brushed the back of his hand across her cheek.

“Yes, you do. There is an army beyond those gates, and you must be ready. I need you to focus. I need you to be safe,” the emotion in his voice… she should be focusing on it, but she couldn’t. He shook her a little to stir her and nodded up the road. “Go, quickly grab-”

 _Bang, bang, bang._ She cringed and brought her arms to her chest, curling into Solas.

She heard a muffled voice from beyond the gates. “Let me in! How can I help if you don’t let me in?” it sounded like a young boy.

The voice brought back a memory. It was like listening to Reed; the boy she had practically grown up with and had not seen since that fateful day at the Chantry. The voice tugged on her heart strings and she moved away from Solas and toward the gates. She heard Solas call out to her, but she ignored it. She marched right past Cullen who was barking orders at the soldiers, and began unlocking the gate.

“ _Herald! Stop!”_ Cullen bellowed, but it was too late.

Banreas shoved the gates open. A handful of demons lay in the snow, having met their demise at the end of a blade. Banreas looked up and found the source of the voice. She discovered it was no boy; it was a man, but only just. He had a gaunt face and his blonde hair was dull and lifeless. He wore a large tattered hat, the one that farmers wore while working in the sun. His disheveled appearance almost made him seem unassuming. He stood straight and he held his head up high. The daggers he held in both hands were covered in blood. He was no farmer.

The man holstered his daggers and there was a determined glint in his eye. He marched right at her, and Banreas instinctively stepped back. She paused when she took a good look into his eyes. They were soft and sweet, and she couldn’t look away.

“I am Cole. I came to warn you. To help. People are coming to hurt you. You probably already know,” the young man said. Cullen, Solas and Cassandra came to hover by her. She could feel their apprehension.

“What is going on?” she whispered to him.

“The Templars come to kill you,” Cole said.

“Templars? You must be mistaken. Is this the Order’s response to us siding with the mages?” Cullen asked incredulously.

“Yes, the Red Templars. They went to the Elder One. You know him… He knows you… you took his mages,” Cole sounded remorseful, as if it was his fault. He turned around and pointed at the mountains. “There, do you see him?”

There, not all that far away, stood a figure Banreas felt she had seen so many times, but hardly recognized. It was the eyes. It was a tall, bony, and disfigured man.

A pit opened up in Banreas’ stomach, and her heart fell through it. A cold chill swept through her as she met the Elder One’s gaze.

There was a flurry of movement then. Cullen was shouting something about a man named Samson. The Grand Enchanter and her people were sent off in one direction, while Inquisition soldiers were sent in another. Cullen donned his lion helm and moved in front of her. He tugged on her. He told her something, but Banreas didn’t hear it. He tugged at her again. He shouted. He must have ordered the Iron Bull to come guard her because he and the Chargers came to stand in front of her.

 _Guarding me? Why?_ She looked down at her useless hands. _It’s because I’m not moving._ Several of her companions tried to get her to move. Solas, Dorian, Vivienne, Sera, Blackwall, Varric… She couldn’t move. She wouldn’t. She was frozen. Her fear had finally paralyzed her. All she could see was the army descending on the town.

 _Dead. The Elder One wants me dead. Am I to die here? No, I CANNOT die! I have to defend Haven!_ As if woken from a dream, Banreas snapped out of it and reached for her staff, but it wasn’t there. _No, there is no time to grab it…_ Her fingers itched, and she flexed her hands. She brushed her fingertips across the hilt of her daggers, and her body reacted in a strange way. She felt a sick thrill rush through her body as her muscles tensed, and she was repulsed by it.

 _I said I would do anything to protect my friends. But this can’t be it,_ she agonized over what to do as she heard people screaming.

“Dark, quiet. Locked away. He screams and shouts, but you don’t hear. You can’t, you won’t. He _can_ help you,” Cole whispered as he lifted her chin up.

She looked into his hazy eyes and she tried to decipher what he meant. Realization slowly crept through her body and her mouth dropped open. She took her necklace out from under her tunic and pulled it back and forth along her neck.

“How… who are you, really?” Banreas continued to tug on her necklace. _He can’t possibly know._

“Someone who can help. She was right you know. There is light in your heart. There is another way. He can help you. He’s always helped you. He is kind. Let him see,” Cole urged.

Tears brimmed in Banreas’ eyes. _“There is light in your heart. There is nothing but goodness in you,” that is what the First Enchanter told me. How does he know?_

“But I can’t. You don’t understand. H-” the air left her lungs as she tried to speak the truth. “Damn it!” she cried.

“Let him see. He can help. He won’t hurt you, he won’t hurt anyone,” Cole sounded so sure of himself, she almost believed him. He shook his head as his lips turned down. “We are out of time. You promised you’d protect your friends,” Cole stepped back and unsheathed his daggers.

Banreas reached for the young man, but something changed in the air. Her ears drooped and flattened to her head. The eerie sound of flames licking the air reached her ears and she looked toward the heavens. A giant fireball had been catapulted into the sky, whizzing through the air until it found its mark.

The smithy.

The resulting explosion was like a scene from her worst nightmare. The flames quickly consumed everything they touched and Banreas saw people screaming. Some were on fire. Others managed to barely escape, like Harritt.

Banreas could see it all, but she couldn’t hear it. She watched as Blackwall and several soldiers ran toward the smithy to try and save who they could. She stood still as fear once again took over. Her eyes tracked another fireball through the sky as it landed no more than a hundred yards away from her, and she dropped to the ground.

She cupped her ears and screamed silently. _NO, NO, NO! This isn’t real!_

She felt the Iron Bull’s firm grasp as he tried to pull her up off the ground, but she resisted.

 _No… No… I can’t do this! I can’t!_ Suddenly, her heart stopped. A memory came to the forefront of her mind. No, more like an image. A mere shadow of the woman she once was.

 _I said that was behind me, didn’t? The Circle made me safe… but what if…_ Banreas happened to look up and saw the Iron Bull fighting off a Red Templar. The grotesque creature seemed fixated on Banreas. And there were more coming her way.

Banreas inhaled deeply, and slowly exhaled. She held her necklace tight, her hands trembling. _I said I would do anything to protect my friends… is this what I must do?_ She asked herself. She slowly took her necklace off and held it up, lovingly running her fingers along the beads.

_I can’t do this. I vowed I’d never be that person again. But I can’t let anything happen to my friends._

Cole’s hands appeared out of nowhere as he held her hands in his. “ _Let him help. You are strong, you are kind. It is how you have always been. Let him help. It will be alright,”_

Banreas looked up and found that Cole was not in front of her at all; he was fighting along side the Iron Bull and the Chargers. _How did he do that? How can he know if things will be alright? He doesn’t know me; he doesn’t know what I’ve done…_

Banreas clutched her necklace so tight that her fingernails drew blood from her palms. _But I promised to protect my friends. I must…_

The sad realization of what she had to do took hold of her heart. She repeated Terror’s words to her from her nightmare: _“If they pulled back all your layers, what would they find?”_

“A monster,” she answered aloud. _I am a monster…_

She took one last look at her necklace before kissing it. She held it to her lips for a moment, remembering the day First Enchanter Elaine put it around her neck: _“You are no monster, child. There is light in your heart. There is nothing but goodness in you,” she said._ Banreas remembered Elaine’s loving hands and Carlisle’s warm smile. Banreas held onto the memory for a moment longer before balling her necklace up in her left hand.

She didn’t allow herself to cry. She was filled with an odd sense of peace; an acceptance that she didn’t expect. It didn’t matter that everyone would disown her later; they most likely would hate her. She didn't care. She was going to protect them all.

Banreas began to channel raw energy into the necklace and the mark on her hand flared up in protest. The necklace began to vibrate as it resisted the magic being funneled into it. It was doing its job; resisting magic. Banreas’ entire arm began to shake as she willed the necklace to break. The necklace was strong; First Enchanter Elaine had been clever in her crafting.

In truth, it was no necklace. It was an amulet… a ward of some sort. It was the only thing keeping _him_ at bay. Banreas began panting with the effort as she covered her left hand with her right. Fear wracked through her body as she finally felt the amulet cracking. With one final surge of energy, Banreas shattered her beloved necklace.

And then nothing. Banreas looked around her and saw the complete chaos. Fire. People screaming; people dying. She saw that some of her companions had been staring at her in shock. She locked eyes with Solas first before she caught sight of Cullen. Cullen looked so innocent in that moment, so confused… He trusted her and she allowed it; encouraged it even. _I could only disappoint him, I knew that since the very beginning._ She knew this would hurt him.

“I’m sorry,” she mouthed to him.

And then she felt _him_. It was a slow-moving heat that started at her toes and made its way up. _Creators, forgive me._

“ ** _It’s been a long time_ …**”

Compassion… the spirit that she had shared her body with for years.

Banreas screamed at the sound of his voice in her head. _I’VE MADE A MISTAKE! NO!_ She shouted internally as she could feel Compassion taking control of her body.

“ _ **You locked me away. You shut me out… after everything we have done… after everything we have been through** ,_” He lamented. His deep, rumbly voice made her teeth chatter.

 _Shut up! You made me into a monster!_ she retorted as she rocked back and forth.

“ ** _All I ever wanted was to help you, to protect you… we aren’t like Terror_ …**” Compassion’s sad voice vibrated in her head. _We? There is no we!_ She told Compassion.

“ _ **This is us. It will always be this way. Let me help you. You don’t need to see this. Let me take control**_ ,”

Banreas realized she suddenly couldn’t see anymore. _No, no, no! Don’t shut me out! I need to help my friends!_ She pleaded with Compassion, but he didn’t respond.

Memories played in her head then. Memories of her fiery escape from the chateau… that day she let Compassion take complete control… all the blood they spilled.

And then more memories; recent ones. Like Sera crawling into her bed to comfort her, a dinner with Blackwall and Rosala, Varric giving her a gift, her lips on Solas’ cheek…

 _Please, I have to see. Don’t shut me out. I need to protect them. I promised to protect my friends. Will you help me?_ She begged Compassion.

“ ** _As you wish_ ,” **

Compassion finally let her see, but it was like seeing everything through a filter of flames. Compassion’s power surged through her body. She was encompassed by a red aura; Compassion’s aura. Raw anger flowed through her veins. It simmered at the surface, only barely contained.

Compassion glanced at her companions, taking stock of their horrified expressions.  _What must they think of me now? Do they hate me?_

A single tear trickled down her face as she let go of the life she had worked so hard for. All of the people she had grown to love...  _It was built on lies and deceit. It is all my fault. All I can do is make amends; I must protect them._

She let loose a battle cry as she unsheathed her daggers; flipping them in her hands to test their weight.

And then she Fade stepped and charged into battle.


End file.
